Today I am a child again. A horrible weekend with my immediate family - and it was my father who brought comfort to me... even with the beer cans in the fridge - he did not crack one. I was amazed at how fast and straight down my family could go. Like slippery noodles falling through my fingers... everything went to the ground...
I thought about giving myself a break - but I was trapped at the lake house, and the only place to retreat was into my own thoughts and prayers and meditations. I began to tell myself that millions have been through worse, and have made it to the other side. I just needed to make it through - then I would be okay.
Finally after a full day of screaming children - over tired - rained on - wet and muddy - molars coming in for the little one - a busted ear drum - a husband without a meeting in a long while - a horrible horrible mood and noise levels to prove it by all... it hit me: I must change NOW!
I can not sit back and wait to get through it. I can not project the day or the morn it will all be over and peace will return. It must be NOW! I must work harder. I must change my attitude. I must think outside the box. I must think inside the box. I must pull all the strength I can from the God I do not understand this very moment to live THIS moment to fullest. I realized thanks to lots of pain - I was willing to get out of my PITY POT and do something different! It hit me that I wasn't sitting there praying for my children to find peace and happiness - or my husband - or our family as a whole. I wasn't trying to sing a song - do a game or pitch a ball. I was FEELING SORRY FOR ME! Yup - I still do it. I sure do. I had a case of the "if only THIS - Then - THAt's" and it didn't feel good at'll. Not at all - but there was such a valuable lesson for me:
When there is no escape - no where to turn - no where to run and no where to hide... there... in that deep dark abyss... there is always God if I open my eyes, open my ears, become willing to listen, and look for His teachings. The HP I do not understand is with me... can I feel the love? Yes!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Beautiful Tasha, I can picture the scenario and coming from a large (Italian)family backround I can remember when I just wanted to scream at top of my lungs cause everything and everyone was "bugging me" . I also find solace in seeking my Higher Power when I get into that ancy state from time to time. Great spiritual movement, thanks for share, continue to be blessed!!! (reminds me of some of the family camping trips we had //YIKES!!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thank you Tasha for walking us through some pain and working the solution to poke out the other side. I need to be reminded that I'm not alone in this journey.
Good work Tasha! I often tell myself something I picked up on in meetings in my first year: "I can restart my day at any time." This was not a coping skill I had before AA. I used to believe in "crap days" and "bad luck" and so forth. Now I believe in difficult moments and that it can all change on a dime with the right attitude. I cannot afford to look at a series of perceived negative events and then interpret that I'm a victim. Even if I was, I can't afford to think that way. I just can't. Doing that makes me sick.
I have even rephrased the "restart your day at any time thing" for child therapy clients" with ADHD and aggression issues. I tell them that it's like a video game where they went the wrong way or made a mistake. They can press the "restart button" and do it differently at any time.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
