My sister just finished a 30 day program. Was able to get a 2 bedroom apartment as her husband served her with divorce papers and a restraining order for their children. This was the 5th time she was admitted for detox, and psych eval in 18 months. Recovering father now throwing around the acronym HALT and rest of family want to cook and buy her food until she receives her first pay check on the 15th? I feel this is yet again enabling her. Am I wrong? She was able to rent a two bdrm apartment on her own? Can she not buy herself food for two weeks?
Try not let jealousy and anger over this ruin your day ... ... ... What I see, and I may be seeing this wrongly, is that you see her getting the breaks and not staying sober ... she's getting by somehow and you ain't sure how except it seems you have some issues over her getting help from family ... I'm just saying it looks like you're passing judgement here and that is not healthy for you ...
You certainly wouldn't stand by and let her go hungry, I hope ... and everyone needs shelter ... You ask about enabling, okay, how do you think she should be treated ??? ... Let's hear just what it is YOU would like to see her go through in this case ... What is the proper way to treat her from your view point ??? ... ... ... Do you think she should be 'out-on-the streets' ??? ... sharing needles, perhaps prostituting herself for money ??? ... I'm really curious about your sister being enabled ... is the cost for her treatment and her shelter and food making you feel she's getting something that you're not getting, or getting something that you have to WORK for ??? ... and yet she gets a 'handout' ???
Are you an Alcoholic? ... an Addict? ... Do you still love your sister ...
HALT ... Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired ... ... ... The same acronym works for non-alcoholics when they start to sit in judgement of others!!!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It would be nice if there was just one Manuel to deal with all of this, and everyone got the same one at birth and knew exactly how to act and what to do... wouldn't it? It would have saved me about 33 yrs of misery between growing up with an alcoholic and then being one myself!
Guess we have to do the best we can with the information we have, and make the best possible educated choice we know how at the time. Each person is probably just doing what they think is best or isn't ready to REALLY see what's going on or a million other possibilities... maybe too 'sick' to do anything different themselves.
When I'm having a hard time with my dry drunk Dad - I read 'courage to change' and 'hope for today'. You wouldn't think that a 30 second meditation could help so much, but it really can get the mind straightened out in a hurry. Also - for you - this is a lot! And it is SOOOOOO hard to NOT try and control the whole situation - or at least obsess periodically about it.
You deserve to get some much needed TLC and help and encouragement too. The best possible thing I know to tell you is that it was worth it for me to address all of my feelings - ALL of them regarding all this addiction crap. Alanon covers it well - and you deserve and are worth the same 'fuss' at this point. Give yourself a healthy dose of recovery if you can - you matter too.
I'm going to differ with Pappy on this one. I do think it's enabling to pay her food and I believe if she resorts to prostituting or winds up homeless because of her addiction, that's on her too. Those are choices and consequences. Putting a pillow under someone's ass only makes their bottom softer and keeps them searching for yet another bottom.
I can also understand that all this focus on your sister is not fair. She is getting all kinds of pathological attention for acting like a baby. I get that. It sucks. I can see how it would make you angry. Unfortunately it is addiction and she didn't choose it 100 percent. Some compassion is due but not enabling. In any case, it's your parents making these decisions and not you. You can't control your sister and you can't control your parents either. Don't rip up your family any more than it already has been. Doesn't sound like you are enabling and that is what you do have control over here if anything. If your parents do...well that's on them. Stay in your own hoolah hoop as we say.
I agree that obsessing and getting angry over it is not healthy for you. Detachment is healthy and that is a tool described and practiced in alanon. It sounds like you have multiple qualifiers. Both sister and dad. I highly recommend alanon. Try the boards here also for alanon family groups.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
This is a tough one. I have read this many times. I can see both sides. What you describe reminds me of our Oldest Daughter. She is 27. My Husband and I have allowed her to come back numerous times. She is asking to come back again. What do we do? We love her but there is a time when you let someone go. I might get in trouble for what I am about to say. We have allowed her to move back many times. She does well but reverts to old behaviors. I am unwilling to allow that to happen again. If she goes on the streets and dies, is it our fault? No. We have done everything we can for her. Will we feel guilty? Yes. Is it my/our fault? No. There comes a time when you let someone go.
This thread is very close right now. What I have said is what I need to do.
For me one of the important things I learned about enabling was that no matter how much you thought you were helping it enabled the problem to get worse and so I had to open up my perspective and not just focus on one part of the picture. Helping others is always an HP's will choice I think however I (at the same time) need to look at what the consequences are. The consequences happen as a result of what everyone is doing. If the alcoholic is not doing her part she needs to feel the increased pain and then do her part to reduce that pain. If family, friends and associates accept the mind set that they are and will continue to take care of a dependant the spirit will not grow toward self dependency or mutual dependency...just my 2 cents.
