Admitting vulnerability

Col · Senior Member

Admitting vulnerability

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Col, ...

What I see is the feeling that you have to do this to maintain your sanity ... any alcoholic does not like to feel pressured to act in any certain way ... the AA program is a 'way of life' that should fill all our needs in life to the degree that a drink would be like a robber taking away our sanity ...

I think perhaps you have lost some of that desire, or that spark that drove you to try AA to begin with ... Time to play the 'tape' ... let's replay that tape of your past that got you here to start with, and see if this is where you belong ...

By now you should have a few little chicks under your wing (sponsees) ... to keep you from getting back into your self too much again ... this is not all about you, it's about those who you can help guide away from destroying themselves ... You've made it through the roughest part ... oh man, if you thought 'detox' was ruff the first time, just try doing it over again ...

Make up your mind to enjoy yourself at the meetings ... add things when you can ... and just sit there and smile when you hear someone unloading a bunch of B.S. ... ... ... If you lose the desire to be a part of AA, then it becomes a task, a job, a chore, something of displeasure ... ... don't let that happen, ...your choice!

Love ya like I did Alex(Ruhig) and I pray Blessings for you,
Pappy

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 29th of May 2013 11:07:21 PM

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Col,

Not sure what to say, but glad you came here to share. It's not unusual to slip into some dry drunk spells early on, but it's not good either. It sounds like you know what the problems are, I know you have a good sponsor, please call her and let her know what is going on with you.

Get the meeting early and stay after and make some service commitments. In the early days and sometimes even now, I go to a meeting and just relax and take in the vibe, and use it as a hour of meditaion/spiritual time. I don't worry about sharing or what anyone is saying. I just take comfort in knowing I am where God wants me to be with the people who have helped to save my life. A few kind words and encouragement to some of those feeling probably more pain than myself and I always seem to leave feeling better.

Hope this can help,

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Col - I thought about this all day and decided to erase my original post because I thought about how you said you feel more comfortable in the bar than in an AA meeting. I realized later, that I can't keep you sober with anything I say or do. It's up to you - and if you've not hit your bottom, than me trying to stop you from doing so is just prolonging your agony. This is the part where I get to attend an alanon meeting, and practice detaching with love.

-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 29th of May 2013 04:03:20 PM

stayhumble · Senior Member

You don't have to take a drink today, even if you want to. Keep trudgin'. This to shall pass.

Up your meetings and reach out, share your experience in a meeting. If you share this situation in a meeting you might help someone else save their life. Possibly someone who goes into the bar looking for something other than BBQ. Sharing in a meeting gives other alcoholics an opportunity to share their experience and work their program. Try this too... pg 86, "ask God to direct out thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives."

AdamMoz · Senior Member

Hi Col,

Thank you so much for posting this because I REALLY needed to read it. I have been sober for almost four months now and only within the past week have I experienced the "dry drunk" feeling. I hate it. Just yesterday a friend of mine posted an image of an old drive-through liquor store on Instagram and I stared at it for a good 2-3 minutes just imagining what was inside. It was like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel. I was totally transfixed. I have never in my life seen a building that looked so beautiful and tempting - and it was a goddamn drive-through liquor store covered in neon where probably lots of people have bought their last bottle of booze before ending up in jail or beating up their spouse. It's absurd. And then a couple days ago at Target I saw a home "flight" kit where you can create "your own beer tasting with friends!" I immediately thought of all the beers I would fill those sample cups with. I think my mouth literally watered, after which I had to quickly stomp away. I have even entertained the ridiculous idea that I could get away with having "one drink" - just "one drink" - and continue on the path to sobriety. I'm learning that this is chronic individualism speaking and that it would be like taking "one step" off a cliff back into everything horrific I endured while in the throes of my addiction. Anyway, I'm writing this because I want you to know that just hearing about what you're going through is giving me greater resolve to do everything I can to get right again spiritually and mentally. Thank you. You're doing great. Good luck and stay sober. It's helping me do the same.

-Adam

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Col,

Ass kicking coming your way! smile You've come to far to slip back into your old ways. I don't want to see that happen to you. There's been no problem to great that The Program hasn't alevated for me. Remember the 3 A's: Awareness- you've discovered/uncovered a problem/'s, Admitting/Acceptance- You admit it and know this is not good,

Good so far-

Action- ?, now what are you going to do about it? Remember, we have to ACT our way into right THINKING.....

I felt separate, different and alone in AA for awhile. When I wasn't working the entire Program. It was when I started to participate that changed. I joined a group, did service work, shared during discussion even if I didn't want too, talked with others about my struggles and helped others..............

One of the biggest gifts in The Program for me has been the ability to share my thoughts, feelings and problems with another Alcoholic- whether it's My Sponsor or another member. It's so freeing to be able to do that. It's scary as hell at first, humbling(which I need) but the rewards far exceed the fear now. I found out that I'm not that UNIQUE- I'm a typical Alcoholic, that's done typical things an Alcoholic does and my thinking and feeling is like everyone else. I found out I'm not separate, different or alone any longer. I no longer have to go through life alone. Help is available! All I have to do is ask.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Excellent share Mike ... thanks ... it's all about growth ... and where we get our guidance from ... but if we fail to take action, then the promises may never materialize ...

Col · Senior Member

Thank you all for the responses and support. I am, in fact, not looking for anybody to keep me sober, nor do I think that possible. I was simply reaching out for support during a vulnerable time and by admitting the vulnerability I feel it lessens the burden of it and hopefully somebody else reading this can see that you can remain sober during very challenging times. It's natural for an alcoholic to want to drink, and have moments of weakness where it seems I will find what I'm looking for in that drink. What I learned by this experience is just how much I do want to remain sober, and that I can say that all I'd like, but this is a program of action. If I'm unwilling to take the actions necessary to ensure that sobriety than I go to a very dark place rather quickly. It's not something I can slack off on or take for granted. It is a gift that I have to take action towards in order to keep. I do have friends and sponsees that I also have to provide an example for, and I hope by sharing my experiences- good or bad-they can learn... And I can learn.

-- Edited by Col on Wednesday 29th of May 2013 11:07:50 PM

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Hey Col, Thank you for sharing. When I feel like I need to re-immerse myself in my program one of the things I do is listen to speaker tapes on YouTube while I'm cooking or getting ready to go to work or whatever. It's just a small thing, but it helps me keep my head in the program. I find being vulnerable scary too. It's all tied up in fear of being judged. Fear of being rejected. But, the rewards of letting go of this fear when I have managed to have been amazing. Hugs.

tomsteve · Senior Member

when i dont call someone when im all buggered up, i am denying them the possibility of helping someone.
the amount of people that i open up and let in isnt an issue. i dont just let anyone in and theres only one person that i do that with. i have certain people i call depending on whats goin on. my sponsor suggested that and its been workin pretty good.