I still lose it with my kids periodically. And I don't just yell, I use my highly trained operatic voice that can nearly break glass and it's actually painful for me and others... when I'm yelling and not singing.
Like you, it's few and far between, where as before - for me - it was almost daily. : (
Does that mean it's okay to EVER do it? No - my goal is to never yell at them again... never. It is possible for me to use the tools of the program to remain calm while others are yelling - and I get LOTS of practice. Probably a lot more than you, I mean, how often do you really even encounter much yelling in the adult world? So where I get to practice almost weekly and some times more often... you may get to practice... what like 2x per year?
People are people - big or small, and if I breathe deep, know that this is just one moment in time, remove myself from the moment so to speak, and get my soul into the bigger picture and the grand scheme of life - sometimes, I have to get myself as a small speck in the universe - taking up one tiny moment in time that is not really worth all the emotion... it helps me.
I can smile at my kids - and know that they are just being kids... and the same for my husband and other adults. I had an incident with an adult yelling at me - using f bombs and everything IN FRONT of a GROUP of my music kids - and because I had so much practice at staying calm, I was able to just let it go - and be a non reactor and a good example for HIM, for me...and for those kids. It felt great - it was a first in sobriety, I can't remember really ever getting yelled at by adults much as an adult... so I'm glad I was a sober person with a program for this incident - because I knew I had to allow that person to be where they were, but also not give in to taking on their emotions. That was something I did my whole life. Anger for me, was a way of controlling things when I was feeling out of control. A last resort that I resorted to constantly, because I had no idea what else to do. Was stepping back and staying out of it even an option? NO! I was THERE wasn't I??? LOL But it is now possible for me to 'not be there' even when I'm there. My mind is somewhere else... drifting into space and time... and I find that I can smile... and be gentle... the total opposite of what I would normally be!
These days, my immediate family is yelling less and less - I suppose because I am no longer setting that example, and also able to talk it through with them when it happens - using the steps.
There is always that moment when you can restart in the midst of things, and be the person who acts completely different. I do that more often than not... we have a restart button on each person as corny as that is - our nose. But I still yell at times unfortunately. Things build up because I let them and don't see that I've done it until it's too late. How do you back off from life? Take it easy? Be gentle with yourself? Sometimes it takes drastic unthinkable measures... like quitting a job. I had to quit caring for those peoples kids who yelled at me with fbombs - even though they apologized and what not... I set there things on the porch and wished them well. That was 1/2 my income at the time.
Scary to have faith in a HP when it's gotta be a quick decision monetarily like that... but I had to take care of me. I prayed about it - and within the day - I had a replacement job equivalent to the money... and at that time... I had no idea that because of that, I would have an entirely knew line of clients who were all recommended to me by this person... doing work I enjoy a lot more come to find out. Never know what HP has in store when we believe and keep the faith.
You've been through a lot - and the emotional hangover is real. I will pray you find a long gentle hug somewhere... you deserve it. xxxx
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 26th of May 2013 09:32:54 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks Tasha, ... I did get pushed to my 'wits' end ... and in the end? ... the only thing that really saved my ass was the 'serenity prayer' ... what a great tool this is!!!
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 26th of May 2013 06:16:29 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I totally lost it at my boss yesterday. Granted, she screamed at me inappropriately first....but...
It came on the hinges of my saying "yes" and bending bending sacrificing sacrificing and going the extra mile already during a week which was pretty jacked up and intense already. I do believe it's mostly resolved but:
I can't unsay what I said. I dragged other people into it. It doesn't really matter that she started it or that she was so in the wrong to begin with cuz I got ugly and I went there and, in the end - she's the boss and I lost it. When she was screaming at me that "I do what she tells me" in an incident where I was doing what the law and my license require I screamed "Okay so what are you F##king Hitler!?" Yah...not good. Of course now I have big remorse but I'm not convinced I was wrong to stick up for myself and also in this situation. Apologies have been made over and over again by both me and my boss so it should be buried but you know how alcoholics obsess on crap. Yah....that's me..still ruminating. When I have emotional spikes like that, it takes me longer than most to let it go and settle back down. I think it's probably a pretty common alcoholic thing which is why we work so hard at keeping our serenity.
There was a lot brewing...I guess this is not too different than what other folks go through and I see the reasons. Ordinary boss on maternity leave. Everyone else works double to handle the work for 3 months thereby creating not teamwork but tension in a field that is already draining, difficult, and HIGHLY emotionally volatile (working with disturbed children in foster care). The worst of it is not even the kids...It's that people take in therapeutic foster kids and then refuse to do things that normal parents would do for their kids when they are getting paid a lot to do them...so who winds up driving 435345345 billion miles to take some kid to their middle school dance cuz the foster parent says "it's too far to drive?" What!? WTF. How is it that we (the professionals) can see how wrong it is for a foster kid to have to miss out on dances and friendships when they are already in care but their own foster parent can't!? I can deal with kids breaking window, screaming...I know that is to be expected. If I was abandoned by my parents, I'd get that way too probably. It infuriates me that people sign up to be foster parents and then don't want to parent and throw in the towel and put kids out when they act up (duh...you signed on to be a therapeutic foster parent). And when it gets crazy like that - less meetings for me...plus my sponsor is out of town for the last month...plus my partner got bit by one of our parrots in the face and needed stitches the day before. So...I only stated that to add context to crap brewing up leading to getting screamed at inappropriately. It was like the perfect storm of crap and then BOOM! Oh and by the way the incident involved kids touching each other so I had to call in an abuse report. It started early in the AM on the morning after my whole Friday was ruined by having to drive this girl to and from her middle school dance from 45 minutes away. I understand this is wearing on my boss too....and she was ready to pop and basically did the same thing I did at once...we discussed that in retrospect. It's not all her fault. She's not totally evil.
I tried to hang up on her. I did actually hang up...not sure who called back and started screaming again... I was about to throw my phone. I did think "I want to get messed up" briefly. I guess the good news is that I have not lost it like that in a long time. I am not sure how much of this is my issues but when I am working that hard, I need support. I can't tolerate a boss that's going to get all nasty and abusive. I almost liken it to as if I was a nurse and having to wipe asses and then get screamed at for not wiping asses the right way by someone who is 1. Not wiping the asses. 2. Hasn't had to wipe them in a long time. and 3. Who you already agreed to do 10x the amount of wiping you are already supposed to do so you could be a "team player." What would you do? Like I said, she's not ordinarily like this to me and I can see she was also under her own stress. I pray it doesn't happen again.
Part of me want to go "oh well I am human." (and so is she). Part of me want to say "Hrm. This has happened before and it's when I don't use boundaries and dont say no and then get fed up." I guess what I'm saying is I would like to stop myself from ever exploding like that again cuz anger is something I truly can't afford. Not sure how to do it though cuz the fact that I do often do whatever I am told and that I do go the extra mile and such usually wins me points at work... Like a defect and asset at once: hardworking team player/pushover. Would be nice to keep the good and get rid of the bad but what I've learned thus far in sobriety is that I can change my most glaring defects but ones that are subtle or also have assets directly tied to them are tougher.
ESH is welcome.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow Mark, ... is there a 'full moon' or something ??? ... LOL
Ya know, I came close to an explosion like you described, just last week, with my son ... ... ... the story is somewhat different, but amazingly identical ... your post has just made me realize that when we accumulate some sobriety and come to know the 'peace and serenity' offered in our program, then we, or at least me, starts to expect certain results of our 'good' behavior ...
It seems I have come to practice the program and principles in all my daily activities and in my association with others ... this has brought about the desired results I expected in sobriety ... and as time passes and I see the AA way, working in my life, I tend to expect to get brownies when I mix the required ingredients ... but if the power goes out while they're in the oven, then I get a mess, and not what I expected, and it ruins my anticipated rewards ... poor me ...
My situation with my son was about his BM program after returning from the hospital ... home health care was his responsibility to set up ... I kept riding him about when they were to send a nurse out to accomplish this task ... he kept pushing it off as 'no big deal' ... he'd call, but he wouldn't follow-up ... ergo nothing got done ... as we approached day six without a BM (which has to be done manually since he's paralyzed), I said I was going to do the procedure if he kept putting this off ... it's very unhealthy to let that go ... and I had done this procedure for a year when he first had his accident (my wife and were taught the procedure at Shepherd Center in Atlanta) ... I do NOT need to go into detail here ... But I had no control over him and I could not force him to do the logical thing to do ... Because of my strong AA program, I was able to back-off right at the brink of the explosion ... thank God ... but I do admit, I did have thoughts of just calling it quits with him ... I did in fact think that a case of beer would solve my dilemma ... then I snapped out of it ... went to a meeting ... I collected myself and reigned in my 'run-away' mind ...
The 'promises' do indeed come after we're here for a while and work the steps, but after a fair length of sobriety, when we've become accustomed to receiving the benefits of sobriety, if they don't come, we can get knocked off track ... how dare this other person not know I deserve peace and serenity at all times ... how dare them 'rock my boat' to see if I'm living my AA program ... I must be very careful of demanding the respect of others ... whether I deserve it or not ... today, just being sober is enough ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The boundary that I set for myself was that I was not going to lower my level of integrity/conduct/honest/decency/manners due to someone else's poor behavior, no matter what. I wrote this down as a goal and it stuck. I started with the x-wife immediately after we separated. It was tough and she continued to spew obscenities, insults... for the next year. Finally she got tired of hearing her own vulgarity and nothing else. It was usually on the phone and I would just say, "we'll have to continue this another time, when you feeling better". Now other people that I have to deal with, I will stop them in mid sentence and say "we're not going there", and perhaps, "I'm not going to tolerate this kind of language, raised voices, or abuse". If that doesn't stop them, I turn around and walk away. Then they are left screaming at themselves basically. When I allow myself to get goaded into an argument it makes me feel shitty. Adrenyline starts pumping and it feels like I'm drugged out. I hate it. I realized that these folks may initially mistake civility and maturity for weakness but not for long. When one person acts badly and the other person doesn't, guess what? That person knows that they were all alone in there childish immature behavior and all the hear for the next few days is their BS playing over in their head.
Pappy's right about the full moon. I have a digital clock with the moon phases on it, and I pay close attention to it. The last few days before and on the full moon an issue going on with me can amplify. So I try and not address stuff that requires a verbal response if I feel some emotions over it, till a few days have passed.
Thanks for your post Dean, ... I have had to use the "we're not going there" line a few times myself ... when the voices are raised in an emotional tone, then it's time to stop 'adding fuel' to the fire so to speak ...
My wife, concerning our son's lack of responsibility regarding his health, told me I can't just walk away ... I said, why not ? ... when the kid will not listen to reason, nor take responsibility for himself, then what do I accomplish by forcing his hand ??? ... I told my wife that when he got sick enough from his own irresponsibility, then he'll ask for help ... and probably not before ... I was through making idle threats ... those led to arguments that went nowhere ...
(My new calender does not show the Moon phases ... but I knew something was 'off' ... ... ... thanks Dean)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for the honest Mark and the reminder that empathy isn't something I can leave home without. I like to think hat I'm always on the empathetic mark and then NOT!!...If I am practicing empathy and remember to put 3 seconds in between when I'm triggered and when I "respond" (rather than react) I'm good to go and good to be of help for my potential punching bag. Empathy reminds me that I am not so much different than the attacker and if I can remember being in their shoes before I might be of help and certainly not any more harm or an accelerant. I've had and take opportunities in the past where a higher up, a boss and such came unglued around me and I offer some counceling and then gave them a free session. My VA alcoholism counselor got a couple of "free" sessions as did my psychiatrist who "caught" me therapizing him as he started to disappear from within one of my sessions. LOL had to bring him back to see if he had someting I could use for the day or just waste the 45 minute "hour". He told me that he didn't really do consultation as I knew it and then after a few minutes of announced demonstration looked at me and asked "You're doing it now aren't you"? I said yes and he said, "That's very good and it's not what I do". I ended up talking with my sponsor. Emotional sobriety slip ups suck is one way of looking at them. Another way is that it is a growth opportunity. You did the 10th on it...and that takes care of her and part of you...I'd suggest deeper inventory work maybe looking at fear and self defense. Good run at it...betcha it got scarey. (((hugs)))
This brought to mind an incident of daughter being brought home for underage drinking. After the cop left, she started her speil about being sorry ect. ect. I sat at the kitchen table not saying a word. Inside I was seething. I really wanted to troddle her! It did not set either that the cop, was a friend, and not once, not twice but 3 times remarked, "Don't be mad at her. Remember we were once young too." The third time I stared him down and said, "Yes we were, but some of us grew up!" (I DID NOT SHOUT THIS AT HIM!!) I thought it was a very inappropriate thing to say in front of her!!!! Anyway...after he left, I sat there while my daughter rambled on and on and on, and I said nothing! She ended up shouting at me saying, "Say something! I know you can't be happy about this!" (Silence) And again, "Why aren't you yelling at me? For Godsakes say something!" Little did she know that the entire time she'd talked I was reciting little prayers asking for right words/actions. The prayers were answered. Somewhere along the line anger was replaced with calm and wisdom. I realized that she was doing a pretty decent job of beating herself up and I didn't have to add to it. I simply said, "Go to bed and we'll talk in the morning." She was dumbfounded yet listened. Yep, those little prayers, do help! And I'm very grateful to AA!!! However, we ARE human!!! We all have moments where the weight we feel can be very heavy. Having a 'slip' of this nature happens. What is important is that you realized it immediately took measures to apologize and talked it out with your boss. Dwelling on it won't help, however, dwelling on ways to alleviate the stress will and take those to the boss. Full moon......I've never understood why people anticipate negativity during a full moon. That is one of those times I'm usually awestruck by the beauty of it and the wonder of God! I consider it a blessing rather than (an implied) curse. I find myself usually thinking of all the blessings in my life. It might be worth it the next time one is approaching to think of it as just that....a blessing!
I've had the same experience but I've often unloaded a bunch of stuff on my sponsor. For the most part it's like this, this, this, and this, are screwing with my serenity and piece of mind. THen I proceed to tell him all the crap that's been eating my lunch for the last few days. ANYTHING that's "disturbed" my serenity or peace of mind. When we've discussed this it ultimatly reverts back to "when did I start to lose my serenity and what else could I have done, so that those original first or second things I did, didn't continue to turn in to 3rd, 4th or 5th things." For me, that's why it's important to stay in the moment and live in the now.
So, for me, some items that related to how I can keep from "unloading" on my sponsor.
-I need to realize what started my spiral down, thinking when did I start not feeling right? This helps me to be aware of my tendendcies and learn from my experience. -"It's a daily repreive contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition." Was I spiritually fit each day? Did I turn it over? Do I need to be praying more throughout the day? Do I need a couple more 5 min breaks instead of one 15 min break. (Just some things that work for me). -Page 86 "When we retire at night, we constructively review our day...." Am I taking inventory at night and am I able to let go of each individual circumstance? Am I falling into selfpity, dishonesty, resentment and fear? -Am I in need of a 4th step inventory? Do I need to be working through the steps specifically with someone?
These are just somethings that help me when I have a situation that you've described. Hopefully these suggestions/experiences help.
-- Edited by stayhumble on Wednesday 29th of May 2013 07:32:13 AM
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
OK Mark. First off, no beating yourself up. Second, look for the positives (which may only be an absence of negatives) Third, step 4 the whole show and identify your part. Four, make appropriate amends for your part. Then, learn and grow.
A similar occurence for me earlier this month. A colleague was sniping away at all and sundry. He'd presented me with a 'gift' in very bad taste, which upset me - but I didn't address that right away. He'd then got critical about my competence at climbing - but I didn't address that straight away - then he was publicly critical of choices I have made, both professional and personal. The following day he again criticised my competence at climbing, leading to his 'advice' that if I wasn't comfortable, then I should leave the tower - for my and everyone elses safety.
Well the lid came off and I advised hium that there are quicker ways to get off the tower than using the f...ing ladder - a clear threat on my part. He looked blank, hurt, upset and said 'I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that properly'
So I said,'well I'll say it slower - there are quicker ways to get off the tower than using the F&&&ING LADDER!'
THe other guy turned to my boss and said 'did you hear that? I feel threatened...' to which my boss said, 'Bill, that was inappropriate, you better apologise'
So I did. I apologised for shouting F&&&KING.
Everyone happy????
Some days later, after step 4 on it - it realised where I'd gone wrong. I'd got worried about what others thought of me (fear of loss of status), so I'd reacted badly. But it all stemmed from NOT sorting out the original issue - the offensive gift.
So had I apologised and made amends - I believe I had as far as I was willing - I apologised for my behaviour, not the underlying sentiment.
But then I went a little further and addressed the primary issue. I wrote to the colleague, in confidence and explained my objections to his offensive gift, how I didn't know what an appropriate reaction could be, how I felt belittled and humiliated, how I felt embarrased, how I felt that the giver had a skewed opinion of me and more importantly, we keep this resolution between us and don't let it sour our working relationship. (that last through gritted teeth). Then we had a full and fank discussion (after he'd forwarded my e mail to our boss and 'asked for guidance' - not wise as the 'gift' could've been taken as a disciplinary offence if I chose to go formal.
Basically though, I try to remember how important others are - if i live with them, they're important, if I sleep with them they're more important (even if I don't live with them), if I just work with them, they're less important.
So I've learnt some stuff. I'm a work in progress. I make mistakes. Nobody dies through my words. and if I don't have a close, emotional relationship with them, then (insert your choice of word here) 'em. (Serenity prayer - short form - we all know the eight word version)
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
