Do not know where to begin - the last two days started off great then as the day progressed it just started going bad (for lack of better words right at the moment). I just could not shake awful feelings about the past - I know your likely sitting there thinking, suck it up and deal with it. I usually cry about it but I am not going to cry at work. I work in the customer service business. I am really having a tough time with this lately and I do not know how to deal with this anymore. I pray, talk about it to whom ever will listen (not to many on those left). I feel that my hp is not even listening - I get a busy signal. I honestly feel that I can not do this anymore. I knew what I was getting into - I just can not handle it - I thought I could but obviously not.
Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Jeannie sais, "I know you're likely just sitting there thinking, suck it up and deal with it." Ok, where does that come from? You are projecting a thought into my head that is not there. "... awful feelings about the past" can be a real confusing bummer. "I feel that my hp is not even listening",,, now,, do you know if that is true? or a feeling that comes from inside you that may not be the reality?
Wow,,, I really know how that is, too. I have PTSD and get flashbacks, and hear 'old tapes' and stuff,, like I was programmed and all that kept running and really interfered with my present situations and relationships. I had to go into treatment to deal with a lot of that. It was too much for my friends.
One of the things that I had to do,,, that's me,,, is make a real effort to separate the memories and feelings from present reality and try to stay in the present.... really look objectively at the person next to me, without thinking "he's like my father", or my mother, or my sister. That was kindof scary, cuz if I didn't know this person then I had fear of the unknown. Steps 1 - 3 help me with that,,, but if you feel that you hp is not listening then that security is not there.
I'll keep you in prayer, and hope you find some qualified help,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
You are not alone Jeannie, don't know what happened to me yesterday, but my Attitude fell in the toilet.
As humans, we are made up of good and bad, part of the human condition. Today, I have the opportunity of Asking God to help me with my attitude, humble myself to His Will. That is all I can do. "Your Will, NOT mine be done", let in run like a recorded message that keeps repeating over and over in my head, clearing out the garbage that goes with a bad attitude.
That's my Plan for today, I have a busy day today, so I am go to listen to that recording, place it first in everything, dishes, laundry, driving, appts. etc.
I will be in touch later day, and God bless you with God's Speed today,
We are all God's little children, no exceptions!
Love you Jeannie,
Toni
P.S. I Ditto Amanda, with seeking some extra help. i am calling my therypist this a.m.
Have know her for 9 years now, and will always need to check in. We have become friends now sort of, ( I just want to keep her loving, no judgement attitude always available.) Last week we just talked about all the rain in Marin. She is my living Spiritual Guide. And is always there.
An angel in our lives, has to to be a good thing. There are out there and they are all over. I pray that you will find yours, and God will bring her into you life.
Sometimes we have to break down the One day at a time thing to One Heartbeat at a Time.
Keep it simple. Do something for someone else, that always gets me out of 'self'. Don't stop praying. Call your sponsor or other AAer, and get to a meeting ASAP.
I'm praying for you.
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 10:13, 2006-01-09
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
I relate. Where does this stuff come from? How can I string good days, then find myself in the TAR? These are the questions that I found haunting, and I do mean haunting me throughout my recovery. If this Program and a HP are so great, why do I have to feel this way? How can it be that others seem to have a wonderful attitude, while I stress over just getting through the day? Why does this have to be so hard? If this relates to you, read on...
The Program is designed to allow me to face the miriade of issues, real or imaginary, that I attach to. I am told that sobriety is a choice. I find that until the carryover of alcohol finally leaves my body, I should just take it easy. When events or thoughts out of the past come up to kick my butt, I use the Program to find peace. If the future causes anxiety, just live one day at a time. I learn that I must OWN the issue before I can release it...
It is true the promises come true. No matter how difficult, "This too shall pass." I have used the Serenity Prayer and the Promises for the montra neccessary to get my mind to rest. I call my sponsor. I go to meetings. I journal my thoughts. I Go to ANY Length...Then like Magik, I have a Reprieve. The Program works. It really really works.
Do you feel the love that we share? It is there for you. The tools are laid at your feet. They are free. But, one must do the work.
"Acceptance" From the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book Pp 449, 450,451. A. A. World Service, 1976, N. Y.
"And acceptance is the answer to *all* my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..."
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God..grant me the serenity..to accept the things..I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can..
And the wisdom..to know the difference..
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Bus... heading for another meeting at 710 pm Jeannie..your call..
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Ugh, I too have those moments where I think I cannot handle "this any more". Then I break it down and think "what is this any more that I cannot handle". Could be that I just want to drink? I tell you I was in a funk last week and I went to two meetings and felt so much better afterwords. I was hurting enough to listion to what other members had to say. One of the topics was on acceptance and a lot of good things where said. I felt peace that I had not had in a long while and I felt the fellowship that I craved. It did not make my problems go,it just made me more peaceful to handle my problems. Funny, i di not even feel like going to a meeting being my hair was a mess and I was tired. I'm glad i went though. O' today I'm still in a funk,but a more peaceful one. I cannot solve my problems right away,but am taking baby steps to help myself out.
Cry if you need to. I'v have been close to tears all week,even crying at movies I watch. Crying is better than drinking!
Remember when you were a kid and you tried to hold that beach ball under the water without letting it come up? It never really worked. Or at least not for long. My sponsor tells me these things come up when it's time to deal with them. We struggle against it for as long as we can until we can't fight it any longer. Your HP is listening, think of the "Footsteps". I'm praying just for you today.
Well do not know where to begin on the thank-you. I am working through these terrible, awful and disgusting feelings and yes Miami sober I have cried and cried and cried - when I honestly feel that there is not a tear left inside of me the water works start over again. I believe what you said - these feelings come up when it is time to deal with them. That is what I am trying to do. Yes I am into myself but is this not suppose to be a selfish program in one way or another. It is now time to take care of this once and for all.
Thank - you everyone for your help, caring and understanding.
Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 15:19, 2006-01-11
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
