I'm not sure what you all would think of this idea, but I wanted to bring it up because I'm sure you are able to offer a more informed opinion that I can.
Some context: my biological father was an abusive alcoholic. My mom left him when I was 2 years old and re-married my step-dad. I have no doubts whatsoever that any amount of alcoholism that is biological sank straight into my genes like a giant anchor. At the same time, as I am learning more about addiction and addictive thinking, I have begun to notice patterns in my mom's behavior that to me feels a lot like addiction. At the same time, I cannot identify any substance addiction in her or my step-dad. My mom never really drank while I was growing up, hates marijuana, and smoked socially from time to time. Yet her perspective on the world elicits a lot of personality traits that are extremely common among alcoholics. Before naming, I want to say that I love my mom very much and think she is amazing. At the same time, sometimes I feel like she "thinks" like an addict.
-She often feels apart and alone
-She often lies about things that don't necessitate lying
-She can be incredibly self-righteous and judgmental
-She self-identifies as a chameleon
-She will often become the life of the party
-She can be deeply resentful and full of anger
-She is restless and discontent
-Her insides often don't match what she projects
-She never feels adequate and leans towards perfectionism
Etc. Etc. Etc. My mom has even told me many times that she feels like something is wrong with her and she cannot figure out what it is. Last time we spent time together, she showed me a number of books that she had read in an effort to self-diagnose. I convinced her to go to counseling at one point this past year and she stopped after three meetings because she felt like the therapist didn't understand her. What's hard is that when I was drinking I acted JUST LIKE HER so I'm very familiar with the thought process that goes into thoughts and actions like these. Since committing to getting sober, however, my world has transformed and I feel like my disposition has changed immensely. I don't want to lie and people-please anymore. It's just a strange thing to think about, and I don't feel like I can suggest this idea to her because she hated my biological father because of his addiction so much that to this day she won't talk to me openly about it. It's too painful for her.
Just curious on peoples' thoughts!
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
It may be an idea to pop over to the acoa (adult children of alcoholics) site on this board Adam. In their big red book or the yellow work book they get you to fill out a family tree. With this tree we write under the names of the person what they were like eg. were they a gambler, alcoholic, thief, abusive . It's quite confronting but at the same time it helped me to get a broader perspective of why I ended up the way I did. Your Mum's parents may not have been good to her. At the same time living with an alcoholic or other dysfunctional person can make anyone sick. That's what actually started me on my journey with all this. Your Mum may find the Al-anon board here helpful too. There are heaps of people over there who feels like she does too.
Adam - your mom could go to a Coda meeting or an alanon meeting - since you and her late husband qualify her for alanon - and there is only the desire to have more loving/healthy relationships for codependents anonymous. Pick up some literature for her at the club - give it to her with no expectations or demands - just a simple "I think you deserve to look at this".
Just remember, this is a program of attraction not promotion. You being an example of living the principles is the best way to help her. All the 12 step programs deal with the same thinking disease - so she thinks like you because it's a family disease. She'll fit right in to alanon or Coda which are based off AA and the 12 steps.
The more I trip trap around from this to that program, the more I see that it's all the same really... so good observation : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Adam you do discribe someone who has been affected by the disease of alcoholism. Tracey and Tasha give great feedback. I would have suggest the same cause that is what I've done. By the way that was a perfect description of me before programs (Al-Anon and AA) Thanks for the post.
When I was in the Recovery Home in 1989 there were 25 guys in my group and 5 of them never drank/drugged but they had the same stinking thinking that I did.
I think that's why they call it alcohol"ISM" .... and it's ISM , not WAS'M.
The 12 Steps address my compulsion to drink and treats the stinking thinking too.
It's a family disease and everybody has to do their own work (or not).
we become out parents as they became their parents, all the good and difficult.
i can take it back generations and as I've been sober longer more truths come to me, like my mothers childhood wasn't as idealic as she thinks. It is not up to me to take another human being out of denial. I must let go and let them be on their own path and not tell them what to do.
once we go through the big Book it all comes together.
-- Edited by odat on Monday 20th of May 2013 08:17:41 AM
