Hey Dodsworth we're not getting the whole picture here (meeting frequency, sponsor, steps, working with others...) If you are doing all of this necessary stuff, you'd likely not have time to be thinking about all that you wrote in your post. It takes time for all that crap to stop swimming around up in your head. If you view these thoughts as your disease trying to get you to drink and drug (which is insanity) you would not be listening or giving it any credence. <--- look up the definition to that word. You must stay the course and stay busy and buy more time. Just put your head down, keep moving forward and make it to a year. You can do it. Here's a Suggestion. Take your 12 & 12 book and read the 2nd and 3rd step every day for 30 days. Hang in there, it gets better.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 16th of May 2013 11:05:28 AM
Lately, I've been in a precarious place. Somehow, I am still not giving myself completely. That's putting it mildly actually. Anger and fear are what i feel most of the time, like a cornered animal. Feel trapped. With my history, i know what's likely to happen. Not sure how to get my head to comply with my heart.
Not drinking or usin dope is, in the beginning, a good and noble idea, but as time passes it becomes clear that my body is against sobriety on a cellular level, and sometimes it is impossible to quiet my head enough to meditate and pray about it. Why praying or meditating seems to work sometimes but doesn't other times, that one gets me. Why should I believe it when it seems to help but disregard the times when it doesn't? Faith is difficult for me.
I'm coming up on 8 months without a drink or h, and im being defiant and angry, having profound cravings, physical discomfort and honestly think at times i could lose my mind.
Shout out to StPete, pinkchip, and the others who I've crossed paths with here over the last few years. Hope you are well.
Great to hear from you Dods! Nice to see your still sober. Early sobriety is difficult. It's not our nature to be sober. If it were easy, the success rate would be much greater. Tell us a little about your Program of action? The Promises do materialize upon completion/maintenance of The Steps. Take a look at the Grapevine post for today. It suggest WE need to ACT our way into right thinking. The Steps/Process is the Action. You also mention fear and faith. They are opposites. Can't have them both at the same time. It easier to have faith when things are going the way we think they should. When they're not, WE must turn it over even more and trust the process. Courage= fear + action. What worked for me was keeping it simple. My Sponsor told me, stay sober and work The Program to the best of your ability and your life will change for the better. That I couldn't screw this up. He was right! In spite of myself. Keep post my friend and help us all stay sober.
Check out the Grapevine post, Mike posted it earlier today ... Today may have some rough spots, but if you want your entire world to come crashing down on you, just go back to drinkin' or usin' ... ... ... you ain't got a problem nor a situation that a drink or a drug won't make worse ... want to know how I know? ... I kept trying it for years ... situations always got worse when I drank ... To drink or use is nothing more than to dig my hole deeper ... and my group buried a friend last week that went back to drinkin' ... it didn't take long this time either, and he was gone ...
One of our members stopped to check on this guy last week ... front door unlocked, he went in, and the guy was in his recliner, bottle in hand, dead ... it hits home a lot more when you know the victims of this disease up close and personal ... and then it dawns on you, but for the grace of God, that was ME in that recliner ...
You've got to WANT sobriety with all that is in you, with all your heart and soul ... if you don't, well, I've seen up close what the result is ... ... ... Hope and pray you make the right choices here ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'