Thought and prayed a bit to decide if I would post this. Decided it was worth getting spanked for if that is what happens.
Recently I decided that one weekly meeting I have been attending for a few months was not a good use of my time. It is rare that I get nothing positive from a meeting. That said, sometimes I wonder if I might have been better off spending that hour reading the big book. I have to travel for work, and hit meetings wherever I go...so I see a lot of different meeting styles, formats, local traditions, etc.
Kevbo's signs of a good meeting:
-Diverse crowd is a good sign. Old timers/newcomers, Ethnically, Age, Gender, Religions, etc. Mixing it up is good. 25 white men all wearing ties is probably not a good sign. Similarly 25 tattooed men wearing motorcycle jackets. I have no idea what women-only meetings are like, but men-only meetings cuts the diversity in half right there. It also allows some men more freedom to display character defects. Save your bragging about sexual conquests for the locker room please. Just because I am not black doesn't mean I want to hear your favorite ethnic joke.
-Everyone is encouraged to share. People that ramble on and on get gently cut off, even if they are popular old-timers. Fine if the chairman calls on people to keep the meeting moving, or to coax a newcomer past the early shyness, but when only their good buddies get to share it is a problem.
-People that give examples from today or this week about how the program has helped them. It is nice for you that you "love the program of alcoholics anonymous." It would be great if you now give some examples of how it is working for you in your life.
-Starting on time. Ending on time. Everyone pays attention to the person sharing. People who arrive late settle in quickly and quietly.
Kevbo's signs that this may not be such a great meeting:
-Many of the regulars comment about what a great meeting this is. Kind of like the guy who keeps telling you how cool he is. If it were really so good, it would be obvious, so why would you need to say so? Fine for a newcomer to complement the group that way, but when the regulars do this, it just seems like they must have a need to convince themselves.
-People regularly working their sobriety date or time sober into their sharing, especially if done as a "status symbol". Fine if you are very near a birthday, or it somehow relates to the topic...otherwise you have today, just like all the rest of us.Tell us how you are staying sober today and will do so tomorrow.
-Badmouthing other meetings or groups. If you are that insecure, you probably have good reason to be. frequently takes the form of "We do AA the RIGHT way!"
-Potty-mouths. Sometimes strong language is appropriate, or helps make a point. If you are dropping 2-3 F-bombs into every sentence, you are not making a point, you are making an ass of yourself. (See how using "ass" there helped make a point?) About the second or third time the chair needs to shut you down.
-Dramatic, rehearsed "sharing". Every group seems to have at least one of these, the man or woman who has worked and worked to get their stories just so... just the right words, just the right dramatic pause here, and lifting of the voice there. These folks can actually be a fun and interesting listen at speaker meetings. Open discussion though? Notsomuch. Get more than two of these in a meeting and I am ready for the intermission, and wishing the coffee were better.
-Lots and lots of detailed rules. Nobody is allowed to mention they also had drug problems. No visible tatoos (yeah, I actually have seen this one). "Don't be a Jerk, and if you don't know what that means, don't come here." would cover most of the petty, detailed rules I have seen.
Aloha Kevbo and thanks your post gave me opportunity to inventory myself, thoughts, feelings, behaviors with the question "where would I be if this was my share". Hey wait!! it has been my share many times over this journey of recovery. I revisited past lessons on attitudes, "where are mine". I revisited past lessons on "what do I bring to the program" not what is everyone else doing to my program. I almost always go into Dr. Paul's dissertation on Acceptance from page 449 in the 3rd edition of my Big Book. One of my earlist sponsors still attends meetings with me and whispers his definition on humility. "Humility is being teachable" he told me...listen...listen with an open mind and you will find help. What makes a good meeting...for me...the attitude I take into the meeting and the gratitude with my HP when I leave it. "Take what you like...leave the rest". Just for me. Thanks for your share.
I hear ya. A good meeting for me is one where I feel like I can honestly take something from the meeting 4 out of 5 times of going to to it- with the 5th time being when I am in some snippy mood to begin with and not in the mood for a meeting. I started knitting in meetings in order to get myself out of my head, knitting helped me focus less on who the speaker was and listen to what they had to say. Have to say I found it very helpful.
I'll just say- any meeting where there are "rules" is for the birds. The one noteable exception being a Big Book Step Study Meeting. Not talking about those rules. Rules like you don't have enough sobriety to help if you want to. OK maybe the group conscience doesn't want people with less than 2 years sobriety handling the money, but if you want to volunteer to set up chairs or clean up coffee cups, and someone tells you no..? Meetings that are "owned" by one person, and yet take place in a public place like a church. For example: I used to go to this one meeting near my house that was marked as a "Closed" meeting. It was started by a woman who had been lord, god, indian chief, of the meeting since it started. Secretary, chair, etc etc. Finally she gave up a teensy bit of control over the meeting. AND YET... when we would go around and introduce ourselves, if you didn't say "...and I am an alcoholic" after your name, you were asked to leave the meeting by this woman. Fair enough not wanting visitors but the general understanding of closed meetings is that anyone who has a desire (i.e., the only requirement for membership) to stop drinking is welcome at those meetings.
Basically if I feel that the meeting where I am is veering away from AA's primary purpose, I move on.
Sometimes rehearsed or retold stories can be great! It's hard for some people to get up and share, so if they add jokes on purpose it usually doesn't bother me. The only thing I've truly ever heard someone say from the podium that bothered me was, "I hit someone with my car while drunk and unfortunately didn't kill them because they lived to sue me." I really didn't feel that matched AA's message, or was the best thing to share with any newcomers.
I like it. I agree with you... and I could have almost written it myself I agree so completely. Yet... Jerry makes a good point. I've been going to meetings with an attitude of "I don't want to be here and listen to your predicable same ol same ol that I've heard a billion times over" attitude - so - my meetings have pretty much all sucked lately. I'm guessing I have some sort of bottom to hit again emotionally - and when I do - meetings will get more interesting again. But I don't really know.
What I do know is, there is a cycle to life, and I am part of it... so I'm probably exactly where I'm suppose to be. YES!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have been to meetings in many states where I wonder what the heck is being talked about. But there is usually one person I can understand, that I can connect with.
What do you enjoy? What do you take away that is valuable to you? Sometimes we don't want do be 'open' we just need to listen. That is a good thing. I do not go to meetings here to share all the time. Sometimes I just need to sit back and listen. When I sit and listen I am not preparing what I am going to say. That is not wrong.
Yeah, as I said there are good meetings and not-as-good meetings mostly.
I prayed a lot for guidance. Talked it over several times with my sponsor and once with my shrink. I was doing some service (preparing a meal) for the meeting every week prior to the meetings. It got to the point that the hour and a half of service work was the only part I looked forward to. Then I had to endure the meeting. It was not one person or one thing, but 100 little things that added up to a feeling of negative energy in the room for me. Usually I feel better after a meeting even if I was in a bad place at the start. That one I always ended up feeling down afterward.
Then, over time some people started showing up early to "help" with the cooking. Actually they stood around gossiping while myself and a couple of others did the work same as before, except with a constant stream of interruption and distraction from the gossip crew, which seemed to grow by one more every 2-3 weeks. I finally called it quits when stuff was getting knocked on the floor and things burned due to too many non-cooks in the kitchen. They managed to create the same negative atmosphere from the meeting into the prep time.
My OP is what I came up with trying to figure out exactly why I didn't care to continue going to that meeting. There are a few things on the "bad" list that happen at meetings I still consider "good". I am more than willing to take the good with the bad, as long as there is more good than bad, and as long as the bad isn't too awful.
However, did you feel happy what you did even those who said they would 'help' did not? I went to 'Court Ordered Meetings' as a volunteer...One guy listened and talked the others did not. Where is he now 20 years ago ? I don't know. I pray he is alive and happy. Make sense????
Hmm.. This is a question I struggle with, more so when I first began going to meetings. I think all meetings can be 'good' if I'm in a good mindset. I listen to everyone that shares and usually get something out of every meeting. I am definetly a believer in mixing up my meetings. There are many I go to regularly, and others I go to depending on my work schedule. There are 2 daily meetings in the area that I bounce between. One I feel more comfortable at than the other, but the one that I feel least comfortable at I learn much from listening. I used to be very critical of certain meetings, but I think you can make the best of any meeting. If I don't like the tone, or vibe, of a meeting I simply leave and seek out another. I have encountered some meetings that I personally do not find a good fit, so I do know what you mean, but any meeting is better than no meeting.
