Dear MIP,

90 days ago I woke up feeling deep regret and sickness. I'm not sure what made this particular day any more miserable than every other day I had woken up feeling the same (read: the past 10 years), but I finally came to terms with the fact that I was totally powerless over alcohol and I was a prisoner because of my addiction. I also realized that my addiction made me do things that I would never have done prior to my first drink. I snuck booze constantly when no one was looking, I became irritable in situations where I couldn't get drunk, I fought with my partner while drinking, I lied constantly, and I carried deep resentments. On the surface I actually had the audacity to consider myself an "enlightened" and spiritual, compassionate and healthy person. I took herbal supplements, I ate exclusively vegan food, and I thought I embodied the sort of anti-establishment, individualistic personality of the noble wanderer. But, like an orange that is black and rotten on the inside, the surface was nothing more than aesthetics. Deep inside, I was miserable and hateful. 

I don't know what specifically made me choose MIP over other AA message boards. I actually remember thinking to myself that I really liked the color scheme - haha. I also remember seeing Roger's posts and thinking that there is clearly a lot of love and wisdom on these boards. Other people's words stood out too, of course, and this seemed like a safe place to process and be supported. I started posting on MIP in little bursts of sobriety. You know, back then you think that three days sober is full recovery and you can start drinking again. Since then, MIP has been absolutely crucial to my program. Every morning I wake up and check the boards. I am also consistently very grateful for the support and encouragement I have received in my more difficult moments. Telling my wife I am an alcoholic, for example, was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in our relationship. The whole time, however, I was thinking about how relieved I was going to feel sharing that experience on this board. I know there is wisdom in face to face meetings, but for me sometimes I make better (or at least equal) sense of my life in writing about it. 

Anyway, today I am 90 days sober. Holy crap. 90 days ago I couldn't fathom being sober for more than a week. 90s ago I felt like 30 days sober seemed like an insurmountable goal. 90 days ago I had no idea that I could be blessed with the strength (thanks, HP) to be sober and happy while doing it. I'm facing a lot of hard facts on this journey, like having to sit with anxiety and fear that I used to drink away. I am so thankful, however, that not-drinking has become a core reality to those around me: my wife, my family, and my in-laws. Just 90 days ago I don't think any of them could comprehend me being sober. I was the person in the room who loved booze the most and I was "unashamed." Now, here I am, sober and letting go of the bad stuff. And all of them know it. 

So, thank you all. I aspire to become a more active member of this community but in the meantime please do know that your support and wisdom have, literally, meant the world to me and helped save my life.

-Adam