i feel pretty fked right this second. I havent had a drink and I dont want a drink.
But I am feeling really anxious, bordering on anxiety attack and I am just so
exhausted
emotionally sad, distraught,
and i feel very alone.
my husband has recently gone abroad for work, and it will be for a very long time.
I thought I was ok with it all but since he went a few days ago I have been crumbling.
I am so tired, geeting no sleep. Last night kept waking up cuse it felt like someone was in the room and I kept waking up scared.
I have not told my sponsor about him going, thought I could handle it by myself really. So I rang her today shes out, I will ring back.
I got to a meeting last night. I will try again today at lunch, but really I am so tired I feel like I can't move, I feel scared to go outside and really anxious.
I am so tired, it really messes me up. I just want to sleep and sleep now, but I cant sleep!
being tired makes me feel overwhelmed very badly.
I dont want to drink on this. I dont want to throw away my soberity over anyhing.
I won't have a drink today ( I mean anything can happen but *hopefully* I wont)
But I wasn't prepared for feeling this shit. I feel so low I didn't expect this. and HALT, tired and lonely bit is horrible.
Anyways I am feeling wierd and scared but I dont want to drink, I dont know if I am capable of getting out to the meeting, last night I went to a meeting and I could hardly string a sentence together,
I feel that spaced out and anxious and tired.
But I will try get to a meeting now and see what happens.
EDIT: Thanks if anyone reads this, I feel better just putting this out there, and hoping the meeting will be good.
-- Edited by slugcat on Wednesday 1st of May 2013 06:07:21 AM
Amanda, Not minimizing your concerns. I don't know them all. For some of your difficulties, one thing that my Sponsor taught me is: we don't have to react to all the feelings we're having. If you're like me, I always need to know "why" I feel a certain way and then quickly try to fix it. Sometimes, by not reacting, the feelings will come in and leave. No need to make big mountains out of ant hills. My mind wants to devise a plan to pole vault over fly sh*t, when all I need to do is walk over it. Some feelings are just feelings- not usually fact. Most of my worries are unfounded and ungrounded fears. Self-centered fears. Knowing that if I stay sober and work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability, I can't screw this up. God has a plan for me and you. Stay well!
-- Edited by Mike B. on Wednesday 1st of May 2013 10:12:29 AM
Slugcat, I've been there. Recently as a matter of fact. The symptoms of Alcoholism- real, scary and desparing. For me, it's the fear that separates me from my HP(God). Just where my diesase wants me to be. The opposite of fear is faith! I needed to ask God to remove the fear and replace it with faith and trust. Then stop believing the lies my diesase was telling me- hard, but can be done. I then worked with my Sponsor who provided me with clarity and perspective. Meeting attendace also got me out of my own head and listening made my problems seem pretty small in comparison. I then would phone other Alcoholics and work with Sponsee's- once again to be of service and get out of my head.
What I found was I went to a new level of fear I hadn't been to before or for quite some time. I learned that I still had a great deal of dependence on others for my happiness(kids). It was a learning experience and a new level of surrender to the God of my understanding. I need to take care of myself and depend only on me, God and AA for happiness. It's an inside job.
When the focus shifted back inward the sunlight of the Spirit shined once more.
I know you are missing your husband right at this moment, but look at it like this, you are not only surrounded by friends and loved ones here, but in your group as well ... ... ...
RIGHT NOW is the time for you to get active ... active by going to several meetings a day if necessary and especially talking to us here about anything that's on your mind ... it will be comforting to know that we are here and listening ... DO NOT invite the 'poor me' thinking into your head ... you do not have to rent space in your head for him ... give your mind a break, bake some cookies or a cake for an old friend, visit someone in a 'Rest Home', sit and talk to an elderly person for a while ... they don't even have to know you ... but it will do them a world of good AND it will make you feel better about yourself and your situation ...
And by all means let your prayers express what you're feeling and going through ...
Don't forget, by helping someone else, will get you out of you ... you can be a bright spot today in someone else's life ... so ... ... ... WHY NOT ???
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think I would probably feel that way if my partner just left for an extended period. It's going to take some getting used to in order to cope witht he long distance relationship, but like all challenges in sobriety, it will make you stronger. It's just forcing you to walk through fears...fears of being on your own, alone, having to reach out and make more of your own friends....that is legitimately scary and daunting. We are here for you while you walk through this and get to the other side stronger than ever!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for sharing this...it really helps me. My situation is somewhat different than yours, I suffer from terrible sleep difficulties and anxiety due to bipolar issues. I have recently decided if I really want AA to work properly in my life I need to stop taking my anxiety medication which is considered a narcotic and something I have always used as a crutch. Let me tell you...coming off of medication and trying to stay sober is the WORST! I already feel tired and anxious because I have having to face all of the emotions I have been surpressing, but now I feel UBER tired and anxious from coming off of medication. UGH! I think I have prayed more than I have in my entire life to just help me make it through these feelings. I have shared more of my "real" situation with others more than I have ever in my entire life! I feel so much better when I get out of my head like Mike was saying. If I had the ability I would be at meetings in the morning, noon and night...it makes me feel that much better. Sometimes it helps just to get myself out of the house into fresh air so that I can see that there is a whole world still going on around me despite my problems. I am still so new in recovery that it helps me to hear your story...thank you, really for sharing!
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"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
You are exactly right! They are mostly unfounded and ungrounded fears. Sounds like you have a smart sponsor! Thanks!
__________________
"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
Thank you for your replies. It was really nice to read them and I felt very welcomed and cared for. Thank you :) it was so nice to come here and know someone had read my thoughts and cared :) :)
I went to the meeting yesterday, also rang a friend in AA, and also spoke to my sponsor. I felt a lot better after the meeting. I am gonna do at least 1 a day for a long while. The meeting was good, but I felt like an outsider (its a different meeting from my usual) but I forced myself to hang around afterwards to be around people, even if I felt a bit excluded from the chit chat, I made myself stand there and try join in the conversation. My head was saying ' no one likes you, shut up' but I made myself try be socialable. (usually if there is service to do, like cleaning up I will do that so as to get to chat with people).
Today I have had some OK sleep which is good. I still feel messed up but it will get better I guess.
For today, screw everything else, my goals are getting to a meeting, trying to do my program and not picking up that first drink. I agree helping others is gonna help me also and get me out of my head.
I am in a foreign country myself, so no family around me, now SO has gone, so yes I need to get myself out there to have contact with people.
-- Edited by slugcat on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 05:23:20 AM
I really want to say, sleep or lack of it can totally mess me up. It is like going from 'im feeling bad but i think I can cope' to 'i want to die, I am falling apart' . If I don't get sleep I have to be extremely careful with myself and be extra kind to myself.
So....... ive been getting to lots of meetings, and not been working these past 2 weeks, so that makes a total of 5 weeks no work. (3 weeks before my husband left, and now 2 after) And well today I went to a meeting But i feel like CRAP I feel like 'WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE'
And the old one that I trot out:
I want to be able to do a certain line of work (im trained for, well paid , but historically I have found stressful) But I got a call from an agent today about a possible job, and well i have extreme panick and fear about it. Cause right now, i am anxious and not well just trying to cope being by myself, not sleeping at all and find it hard to cope. I dont think I can cope with the extra stress of a stressful job, then i feel bad because I want to be able to do this type of job, and not a less stressful lower paid one, and i have stupid thoughts 'i should be able to do this' 'there is no way i can even try this, its too much'
I dont handle stress well, and now i dont know if i can handle this stressful job hunting, or if i should just resign myself to doing an easier job that i find boring and sad.
oh my head is a mess right now. RIGHT NOW my head is a mess, I am feeling like crap because my thoughts are VERY low quality, the worse I feel means the lower my thoughts are, and feeling like crap is a warning light to me - to not trust my thoughts and to not make decisions etc on them.
Slug, sorry to hear you're struggling. Been there and still can go back there. Fear and panic are some of my malady as well. I think you answered your question in the last sentence of your post. " to not trust my thoughts and to not make decisions etc on them." That is key for me too! Right now you're head is lying to you and we need to tell it where to go- sometimes very strongly, and not beleive the lies. Reacting with fear instead of faith has never worked out well for me. My Sponsor tells me, "if you don't know what to do, do nothing". Pray for clarity, a thought or action on how to proceed, then let go and keep moving your feet. All decisions are temporary! If you're meant to be in a certain job- it will happen despite what your head is telling you. God runs the show. He/she will reveal more and we can change our coarse accordingly. Don't worry about making a mistake, God forgives and will put thoughts or events in front of you that you can't miss. This is faith over fear. I've lived through many examples of this. It's terrifying at times to let go off control, but the rewards are substantial. If don't don't drink and continue to work The Program, you can't screw this up.
Sometimes, by not reacting, the feelings will come in and leave. No need to make big mountains out of ant hills. My mind wants to devise a plan to pole vault over fly sh*t, when all I need to do is walk over it. 
Some feelings are just feelings- not usually fact. Most of my worries are unfounded and ungrounded fears. Self-centered fears. Knowing that if I stay sober and work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability, I can't screw this up. God has a plan for me and you. Stay well!