What does the hot pink nail polish and a fancy tea cup actually bring with it anyway? At times I think it means I'm taking care of myself, and letting my mind drift to a younger place, safely, and sweetly, as it was meant to be... not how it actually was. Other times, I wonder if I digress to leave the solitude that can still follow me where ever I go, no matter how many people are around, or who they are.
Slipping into an alter reality, a fantasy or a daydream, was a common pass time long ago - before alcohol could take me away. Yet a healthy imagination is sought after for children in this day of video games and controlled stimulation and guided fantasy. Back in the game I return from lala land, and must encourage my own children to do what I was told I did too much of. But wouldn't you if your life was too scary, unsafe and unacceptable to stay in very long?
I am back today. Back with me, and okay with it. 4 hours on a 12th step that I believed would take 10 or so minutes of my time... exchanging a phone number, asking a few of the more important questions, and maybe offering a ride. I should have had someone with me maybe. This person led me to believe that they have killed someone. But of course, those words couldn't be said - just the implication of an initiation to a group that was 'home'.
Drugs I know nothing about - rotten teeth and feet - I don't know what it's like to sober up and look at the damage every day... physically so profound.
It's a day where I can strengthen a faith or be angry, and fortunately, I was given strength today. The fate of some very sad souls is not in my hands, thank goodness - and I do have the power to carry the message to those who still suffer... no matter how far down the scale they have gone, without judging. It's just me - expressed and manifested differently, but we are the same. I could have killed my own children.
Same thinking, same root of shame. Being unaccepted - finally leads to unacceptable. Different ways - same story.
How do you begin to accept yourself when you are so unacceptable? You don't. Someone else does. God? I saw my HP in others... working through others... I didn't see any sort of HP other than my fellows who had found a better path, and were doing the unthinkable - living a sober life. To see that they now believed they were not created to be a monster - that just because a monster was born inside of them, doesn't mean it has to rule. That you can tame the beast with the help of a higher power that you do not even have to understand or accept back... just see that love, and life are possible after the hell of addiction.
My friends name? I don't know. They introduced themselves as Monster.
Do I love a killer? Well yes... I love myself today... and as many times as I've driven drunk, I could have killed thousands... and my own kids. So who am I to judge Monster? Who am I to say that Monster doesn't need and deserve love like the rest of us? Who am I to chose who I will give love to, and who I will shame? I can't shame anymore - not anyone. Somehow though it still feels wrong... deep down in my heart, I know that bad behaviour is different from bad person.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I did not feel afraid to be with myself today.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 23rd of April 2013 07:08:28 AM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
That is called 'forgiveness' ... ... ... until we're capable of forgiving others, we cannot forgive ourselves ... one of the first lessons I learned was that God had, in place, a way for me to be forgiven for all my ugly deeds of the past ... ... ... this led to me becoming able to forgive myself, for the guilt i had for a while was nearly unbearable ...
With the 'monster' inside being let off the hook so to speak, I was able to see life itself through very different eyes ... the change had begun ... the monster no longer had a place to stay, I threw him out with the garbage he belonged with ... as sure as I was he was gone, I still have the feeling he found his way back and is in there somewhere hiding out, waiting for the opportunity to make his presence known again ... ... ...
For me, prayer seems to be the energy for my 'shield', like the energy field protecting the 'Enterprise' from attack ... ... ... the more I pray, the stronger my energy field becomes ... and vice-versa, ... if I become aware of my prayers dwindling, then the weaker my shield, and I can feel the presence of the monster nearby ... ... ...
Agreed, with my drinking and driving, I could have killed a lot of people ... ... ... on the same thought, I should not harshly judge someone who has ... ... ... Alcohol was calling the shots then, so who am I to judge another ... pray for them, of course, judge them inferior and inhuman?, I think not ... ... ...
Great post Tasha, ... ... ... thanks
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes, Tasha! Great post. I have also realized that when I was looking at somebody who was either still an active alcoholic (or addict), or somebody in recovery who at first frightens or disgusts me I'm really looking at a part of myself I felt the same way about. All those dark corners I tried to run from or hide from. I never went to jail, either ... But that's only because I didn't get caught. Homeless? Not as an adult, but that's only because of the kindness of others. Drugs? Not really... But only because I loved booze more than any I dabbled with. Thanks for reminding me of how not so different we are from every alcoholic or addict.
Drugs? Yeah, I did 'em. Pot (way more than I ever did alcohol) tried meth & coke, (Fortunately, I never got hooked on the speed type stuff. Didn't like it.) The small city I lived in prior to Houston was a meth-mecca, it was everywhere. I've seen so many hooked on that shit I can spot a meth-head a mile away. But the 5? 6? reasons I went to jail? Alcohol. Cheap, legal alcohol. Because of that, I can't point fingers. I won't judge. That's a good thing. So if you're an alcoholic who's never tried the illegal stuff, you didn't miss out on anything, trust me. That, too, is a good thing.
When I was working in Juvenile Justice I had a client who was so high on 4 different drugs (1 of them being alcohol) that he didn't even remember shooting a police officer. He was only 17. Of course he seemed pretty harmless when locked up and sober. Most of the folks you meet in jail/prisons while doing 12 step work will be nothing but grateful because they are so bored in there and anyone reaching out to them from the outside is welcome typically. Also, they feel judged and they are judged. Anyone that talks to and treats them as an equal is generally well received. Drugs and alcohol are sadly contributing factors to so many in that setting. I have applied for addictions counselors positions at the sheriff's office but the bulk of my experience is with children so I guess they want someone who has more experience working with adults in rehab and such. The bioparents of the foster kids I treat are largely alcoholic or drug addicts (if not mom then dad is/was and is in jail and/or mom has some paramour who is bad news). It's strange working with kids that think parents and family members going to jail, using drugs, and having sex right in front of them is normal. Often times I wind up being the one to be assigned to do family counseling for the sake of reunification. I have these parents built up to be really evil but they typically are not. They are just people and they are products of their environment also. They are struggling.
More often than not, people are not nearly as big a problem as other forces such as poverty and of course, drugs and alcohol.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
How do you begin to accept yourself when you are so unacceptable? You don't. Someone else does. God? I saw my HP in others... working through others... I didn't see any sort of HP other than my fellows who had found a better path, and were doing the unthinkable - living a sober life.
I love the statement above, so profound but I've never seen it written so well. Like the book says nothing will so much insure our sobriety as.... We can help when no one else can.
The solution is always the same everything else is just part of the symptom. Tell them our story and speak freely of the spiritual aspect and explain why we stay around to help others.
I was mainly a alcoholic, but did my share of drugs. I got sober before crack was invented, before wine coolers and Zima, before meth and heroin hit the suburbs. I work with men my age, I can't tell them I know what a adult life of alcohol filled chaos, wrecked careers and relationships is about...just more syptoms.
We keep offering the gift and hopefully they accept, but it always keeps us sober.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
This really hit home with me today. I have a dear friend and I often have to remind myself that she is my friend because I am so angry at her disease. She has been off of meth for a little over 70 days which is miraculous but is showing clear signs of an opiate addiction that rather nullifies all previous effort in my mind.
I've been there. I was as hopelessly addicted to drugs as I was to alcohol. Alcohol was merely my first drug of choice. I've been that mom that let the wrong priorities go, that allowed my children to suffer the backlash of my choices. I've been the daughter who was completely blind to the struggles of my parents. I've been the cheating spouse, the abused and scorned partner, the liar, the thief, the dealer...bottom line, I've been completely and incomprehensibly demoralized; physically, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt.
And what I know today is that but for the grace of God, there go I. My recovery today does not guarantee tomorrow. And if I sit on my laurels counting up yesterdays success, I probably won't do much about today. Today is all I have. And so for today, I am very grateful for a program which helps me to let go of a little more ego and obtain a little more humility (sometimes very little). I am grateful for the service opportunities which remind me of where I have been or where I have yet to go if, if, if. And I am thankful for a God who saw fit to save me from the horrors of alcoholic and drug addiction. I still don't know why I was chosen. I only know this gift is profoundly....profound.
I'm going to keep coming back.
__________________
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
