Flying Solo

AlcoHater · Senior Member

Flying Solo

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

For me Alcohater there is no such possibility of "flying solo" maybe with some reflection you can answer the question "why does he say that"? and then let me say that one of the best qualities my sponsors had was my ability to practice humility..."being teachable" and absolute openmindedness. Listen and learn and practice practice practice was the method to my madness. There was no rule on my part or theirs that we had to agree on everything all the time. My recovery was about progress...never perfection and that is all my sponsors looked for...progress. There were times we argued and most other times grew together and laughed. There were times when I thought they were incredulously numb just before I realized again that I wanted what they had. Listen with an open mind...my sponsorship was grateful that I had learned that in the rooms and could do it with increasingly less reactions. My sponsorship journey is a huge part of my present recovery memory and I keep the memories because they are re-training tapes. My earliest sponsor is coming into town this month on a vacation trip and there will be a get together. I've already been smiling as if I'll get two Christmases this year. You can't fly solo...it's not possible in AA. Why do you think I say that? (((hugs))) smile

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

AlcoHater wrote:
My questions are 1) anyone else out there "flying solo"? and 2) if you think I DO need a sponsor, what qualities should I look for? Thanx!

-- Edited by AlcoHater on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 07:48:39 PM

Hi James, ... ... ... No, I am not flying solo ... even after 5 years ... When I ask for help from God, I have come to know that some of the answers to my prayers for guidance arrive through my sponsor, and others ... ... ... my sponsor is my 'go-to' guy when I get stumped on something, or if only for support any time of the day or night ... I wouldn't dream of not having him 'in place' for the times ahead where I need a quick solution to any situation that may occur ... and also for guidance when it comes to a 'problem' sponsee of mine ...

2) I won't say you must have a sponsor, but I highly recommend it ... and the qualities I looked for were to observe those I had come to know in the program for a while and zero in on a person that exhibited the most positive outlook on life that I could find ... someone that 'sobriety looked good on' so to speak ... someone that was living the AA program as a 'way of life' because they 'wanted' to, not because they think they 'have' to ... that's what I wanted for myself ... a true 'guide' in every sense of the word ...

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

James, I noticed that once you got comfortable here and built up some trust with this fellowship, you have been able to take what you want and need and leave the rest no problem. There has been some shift in you. You were really angry and perhaps you worked through some of that and are ready to do some work with another person again in the form of a sponsor..... It's easy to cruise along with status quo in the program when not a lot is changing. What I know is that we need to stay on our toes and keep changing all the time because complacency is our enemy. You need the sponsor not just to do dilligent stepwork, but so that when the crap hits the fan, you are armed with another defense against relapse.

You also benefit from a constant second opinion cuz you never know for sure when you are buying your own BS. I have learned that trusting my own initial thoughts and feelings about everything is not necessarily a good thing cuz many of my firsts thoughts and feelings are warped alcoholic ones. I can't recognize it but my sponsor can. Also James, you are learning and building up a pretty good AA program and it will eventually attract others. To be the best sponsor to someone else, you will benefit from having your own.

So my suggestion is just look for someone you trust. Someone that you can fully believe they have your best interests in mind and that they probably do know what's best for you in many ways when you might not know. If you can be humble enough to believe that someone else more experienced can guide you, that is the set up for eventually being humble enough and letting go to the point that you also believe your higher power can guide you.

**Again - this is my opinion based on my experience. I'm sure someone will come along and post the link to AA's pamphlet on sponsorship for the 234982304823049th time. That may be helpful also, but this is how it worked for me though.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Amen PC, ... ... ... Great share and I agree with your suggestions 100% ... ... ... Listen to the voices of experience James ... don't go it alone ... ... ...

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Good one PC

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

AlcoHater wrote:
Without going into too much detail, I fired my sponsor some months back. Cut from different cloths, I guess. Anyway, I find that not too much has changed (I still avoid the drink like the plague) and still go to at least 2 F2F meetings a week. In other words, I seem to be doing as "good", if not better with this sobriety. I know that this program is not a cookie-cutter affair, and folks do practice it in ways slightly to greatly different from others. My questions are 1) anyone else out there "flying solo"? and 2) ifï¿½you think I DO need a sponsor, what qualities should I look for? Thanx!

I'm glad you're doing "good" in your recovery. You bring up important issues: Whether to get a sponsor and how to select one.

I think it depends.

Me, I'm not flying solo. I have a sponsor and utilize his knowledge and judgment all the time. I have had periods in the past of flying solo, sometimes spanning a few years. Right now I prefer having an active relationship with a sponsor. I spoke to mine about problem today. Will speak to him tomorrow about it too.

I think sponsor decisions are up to the sponsee. You control it. AA doesn't force one on newcomers. According to AA surveys for the last 20 years, one in five AAs do not have a sponsor. So, people can get and stay sober without a sponsor. As far as what qualities to look for, definitely take a gander at the pamphlet "Questions and Answers On Sponsorship." You can find a link to the online version here:

http://aa.activeboard.com/t50146639/sponsorship-pamphlet/

In addition to qualities, you might consider sponsor approaches.

Generally, there are two major choices: descriptive vs. directive.

The descriptive approach involves answering questions of all kinds and making sure the sponsee becomes aware of all the literature, principles, Traditions, types of meetings, etc.

Directive approach is a more hierarchical or authoritative approach. A General/private way of doing things, with the sponsor giving orders.

Either one can work.

Pick what you like. Pick what you need. Ask around.

Best of luck to you.

-- Edited by Tanin on Wednesday 10th of April 2013 05:11:17 PM

vixen · MIP Old Timer

My first sponsor moved after we had been working together for awhile. I adored her and she really "had what I wanted". I didn't rush into finding a new sponsor right away but eventually chose a woman who, while being very different from my first sponsor, had all the same qualities I admire. We are working the steps together (my second time through them) and it is amazing. The first time I went through them we did it pretty quickly as if my very life was at stake, and it was. This time it is deeper and more thoughtful and done with a bit of time under my belt. It has truly proven to me I will never outgrow my need for sponsorship. There are always more and more lessons to be learned from a willing heart and an open mind. I want to grow through my AA life, not simply go through it, and having a wise guide to lead me down that path is an invaluable gift I am exceedingly grateful for.

leeu · MIP Old Timer

I've never had much interest in sponsors or sponsoring as a formal "committed" relationship, even as so wisely scripted in the A.A. pamphlet. I prefer drawing what I need, and giving what I can, among selected fellowship members, without the label. I used to get a lot of flack for my position in the early years (accrued time seems to make a difference, tho it probably shouldn't) . Those who were not so "robotic" in expressing how they thought everyone should work the program would eventually lay off, when they came to acknowledge (respect) my right to forgo sponsors & pigeons, and saw that to do so did not automatically detract from the quality of my sobriety. To me it's all about balance.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Leeu - you've possibly just saved my life by writing that. Thank you. I've been up all night crying about my current sponsor relationship - but felt like the only one in the world with a different viewpoint on sponsorship. Basically, that it should never feel like that person is you God. That ultimately, they do not keep you sober, are not responsible for your sobriety, there fore, should never tell you what you must or must not do - nor should they give you conditions under which they will only sponsor you. I just had that all happen to me last night. It hurt. I finally realized, that I answer to God, and my sobriety is my responsibility, mistakes, good times, all of it.

I sat down here now not able to sleep through the tears that just kept coming (because I loved my sponsor, and I'm going to miss her so much) and this was the first thing I read. The thought before clicking this post, was that maybe I needed to search out a different way to be a sober person. Maybe AA isn't the answer after all. Maybe all this hurt isn't worth it, and there is a better way.

Maybe I would have died drunk as a result.

Anyway - once again, knowing you can do it (just like when I first came here and read the story of you and your daughter and your bottom and what it's like now - and felt hope for me too since my story was like yours, and I wasn't the only one or the 'too bad') makes me know it's possible and that I can do it too. And you have once again given me hope and inspiration exactly when I needed it.

Thank you.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

As a sponsor, I never tell my sponsees they 'must' do this or that ... alcoholics HATE that ... My approach is to say 'I would like for you to do this or that' ... it's entirely up to them to follow direction or not ...

If my sponsor told me I must do the things he suggested or else ... then the 'or else' would have been in my future ... I still have my sponsor and we had lucnh together last Wednesday, it's a great relationship and we have a great bond ...

Find another sponsor that lifts you up ... that guides you by example ... without a sponsor, I'd be less effective in helping others myself ...

We should NEVER tell an alcoholic what he, or she, MUST do ...

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Pythonpappy wrote:

We should NEVER tell an alcoholic what he, or she, MUST do ...

LOL.