Thanks for the kind words. justadrunk may have explained something to me. When he does go to meetings, he usually goes to some earlier ones. The later meetings tend to get more new people, as well as people like me that work 'till 5. I was thinking maybe he was trying to avoid me, but didn't get that vibe when I did see him. Damn, you mean it isn't all about me? <grin>
At an IRL meeting a while back I was thinking about this situation, and somebody quoted the Buddhist proverb "When the teacher is ready, the student will appear." It made me laugh. Am I the teacher, the student, neither, or both? Last night he was on about "I am smarter than this!" and I explained that alcohol doesn't care how smart I am, I drank because I am an alcoholic, not because I am stupid. It was kind a revelation for me, and I got there from talking to a drunk. Maybe I heard it somewhere before, but it was talking to a drunk that made me see the truth of it.
chris I went in knowing that I couldn't fix him. Just trying to be there if/when he is ready.
-- Edited by kevbo on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 02:57:12 PM
-- Edited by kevbo on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 03:03:55 PM
There is a new fellow that is having trouble staying sober. For various reasons he connects better with me than most. He wants me to be his sponsor, but I know for a fact I am too green. Won't be good for me, won't help him. Yet I have been trying to work with him some while he finds a sponsor.
I have asked for help from my sponsor, and from several old timers. I have even requested help at meetings. It appears that my higher power is determined that I need to do this alone.
He keeps slipping. My know-it-all side knows exactly why, so I struggle to remind myself to keep my ego out it. To ask him questions rather than telling him answers. I have prayed a lot for guidance. No answers are coming, but it is serving to remind me that I don't know a damned thing when it comes to fixing him, and praying helps give me the courage to keep trying to help.
Last night I was pointing out to him that he keeps doing the same things and getting the same bad results, and suggesting some things he could do different.
And it occurs to me that I am part of this pattern. I keep throwing him a life line, and he keeps not taking it. I can keep hauling the line in, coiling it up, and throwing it over and over until I am tired and burned out. Yet I am asking myself if I did this several times already, why do I expect this time, or the next, to be any different? And yet I know several old timers who had very rocky starts, going out again and again before finally finding a low enough bottom. So I struggle with what to accept and what to try to change.
It is frustrating and heartbreaking watching this man distroy his life piece by piece. Yet it is teaching me a lot about myself.
One issue this fellow has that is a bit unusual is that he is a teacher. It turns out that if he goes to a meeting of more than a dozen people or so, there is likely to be a former student there, and sometimes two. I think I could deal with this, NOW, but it would have been really hard when I was new. I think anonymity is especially important in the early days when we are still ashamed of our disease.
Anyway, needed to get some of this off my chest without gossiping to the locals. Thanks...Kevbo, Alcoholic
Nice share Kevbo! Sounds like you're doing great. Carrying the message to the best of your ability. As I read your share, I think of one thing... are you staying sober? If so, then The Program is working. We help other's, so we can stay sober. When and if they get and stay sober is God work, not ours. When he has had enough, he will try something different. In the meantime, planting the seed of AA is always a good thing.
That message from Mike goes straight to the bone of it. Not much more I could say other than I too had that fear of seeing students or their parents. I did come to finally realize that anyone there was there for the same reason and it was actually to my benefit to have more 'allies' - however - in our city, there are court mandated ones, and they could care less if they are there, or about keeping anonymity of others, and I struggle with that. So far, nothing bad has happened though, and I doubt it will.
You could suggest this board to him, and help him find meetings with mostly old timers. The new ones usually hit the same meetings, and that goes for the ones who are forced to be there and could actually put his anonymity at risk. I avoided those meetings for a while, and it was easy to do so since I live sort of near a city where there are more than one meeting per day to chose from.
Help him find a comfort zone if nothing else. Help him find a quiet little meeting of a dozen or so people that have 100's of years of sobriety under there belt, and let them shower him with insight and love and knowledge. You'll be helping them too - not just yourself and your sponsee.
That's my take - I reserve the right to be wrong and can direct you to some old timers - but hey - I'm staying sober trying to help as best I can ; )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
If this person is having trouble staying sober and continuously keeps relapsing, maybe he's not ready yet. No matter how hard you try, YOU can't fix him.
Sounds a though you are doing everything right, although I don't understand why you're not getting the help you need from others, especially your sponsor ...
Your best bet right now is to be the example of the person your friend would like to be ... get him to read as much of the BB as possible ... ASK him just 'how much' is he 'willing' to lose, just to have the next drink??? ... because if he doesn't know it by now, he needs to realize what it is he's risking ... and that for him to take that next drink is like a gambler throwing everything he has on the table for a 'win or lose it all' scenario ...
My sponsor said I had a decision to make, and only I could make it ... He asked if I was going to go 'our way of life' or was I going to go 'my' way of life? ... I said I don't WANT to do either one ... He said that wasn't what he asked me, he said he asked what I was 'going to do' NOT what I 'wanted to do' ... and until I decided I 'WANTED' to go the AA way of life, there was absolutely nothing he could help me with ...
Your friend has a decision to make ... live 'his' way of life or come and live 'our' way of life ... It's one or the other, there is NO in-between ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think you are already doing what you can and should be doing. When I am given someone who is a chronic relapser by my Higher Power, I need to remember what the 12th step says..."Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Thats the very best I can do, is try. Do the work and leave the results in Gods hands. Another thing I consider is when I work the steps with a newcomer or relapser... "I" work the steps with them. So, I am truly the beneficiary of the endeavor regardless of what they do or don't do as a result.
As far as being too green... What if Bill W, with 2 months sobriety, used the same line of thinking when he went to help Dr. Bob get sober? Hmmmm.....
