I've been having some issues with boundaries - especially with sponsee's. They hang up on me, don't show up for our meetings, don't call, show up late... and I have a really hard time coming down on them for acting exactly how I acted when I got here!
I struggle with what to put up with, because no on walks into the rooms without issues like this - and of course - what not to put up with at all. One thing I keep wanting to say is "Hey, could you at least apologize for it???" But I feel wrong asking for an apology. And I get the mental twist that keeps you so self centered and selfish that it's like other people don't exist.
So - I'm just throwing it out there for some thoughts. My sponsor and I have a really hard time connecting on the phone lately... and you know me... I can't just sit around for like 9 minutes and wait for an answer!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I did meditate on this for a good 45 minutes last night. I kept going back to the beginning - how I was in the beginning...
Anyway - it does give me a great lesson each time. I'm grateful I'm sober. I'm so grateful I do not behave so selfishly today. It feels like that moment when your perfect kids start acting 'not so perfect' and you suddenly realize all your parents went through with you.
Considering you guys took the brunt of my unruly days (not that they are totally gone lol), I'm having that sort of ah ha moment, and thank you for all you've put up with from me
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It is a great day to be sober. I smiled when I read your subject line.
Tasha, that sounds frustrating. I obviously don't have any experience with sponsees, but this seems like one of those 'keep your side of the street clean' cases. How about explaining to them how you feel when they hang up on you/are late/etc. and setting some boundaries, like you will not wait longer than x amount of time if they are late for a meeting? Then it is up to them to decide how they will react?
There have been times when I may not have agreed with my sponsor, but I've never hung up on her. And if I have to change a meeting time or can't make it, I call and let her know. Her time is just as valuable and important as mine is. And there may be someone who could really use her help who misses out because she's sitting around waiting on me, who's never going to show up. I just listened to a speaker who said she has her sponsees sign and date the inside of their BB, stating that they are willing to go to ANY lengths to get and stay sober. This begins with being accountable when you say you're going to be. A lot of what you are describing is old behavior, behavior that we need to change. Set some ground rules from the beginning.... if you say you're going to call or meet with me, be there. Not to much to ask or expect, IMHO. ((( hugs))) and, yes, it is a great day to be sober.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Just me, but I wouldn't put up with any kind of baloney like that, being hung up on, blown off??? There are SO many people out there who truly want to go to any lengths to get and stay sober, that I have learned over the years to just move on. May seem callous, but I've seen a lot in my years in the program and my time is valuable, and I don't need the aggravation. Good luck.
-- Edited by chris on Friday 5th of April 2013 07:32:51 AM
It's a great day to be sober. I absolutely agree with you. God has given me such tremendous amounts of grace. Grace to stay sober. Grace to live this life as I get challenged by the world system. Grace to know that He will never put me in any temptation which is beyond my endurance. Grace to know that He is always with me. Thanks for a great post. You have most certainly grown spiritually, from the time you started posting on this board. God bless.
Great share Tasha! I really like what Kelley posted. Part of our job as Sponsors is to teach them a new way of life. Not only from the Big Book and Steps, but life in general as our experience allows. Part of recovery is changing the person who entered the halls. I feel it's acceptable to be honest with them and let them know this is the behavoir that must be changed. What an opportunity! Real time! It's like holding a mirror up to them. Setting boundaries with them may teach them to be accountable and responsible. It also may teach us to be open, honest and willing to walk through the fear of confrontation to do the next right thing. We can do that knowing full well that we're dealing with someone who is sick, which let's us detach emotionally from the results this may/may not have on the Sponsee. The results are in God's hands. But, we can do the next right thing.
Absolutely, it's a great day to be sober ... ... ...
Aaaah Ha, ... ... ... Now you are beginning to see things from the other side of the fence ... the sober side ... the new you remembering the old ... this gives us a deeper appreciation for what the program has done for us ... to bring to the forefront of our minds, the changes we've gone through ... ... ... It's one more of the processes that we go through as that KEEPS us sober ... No, you can't work their program for them, just be there when their world falls apart ...
Just speak to them 'frankly' ... let them know what's what by example and refrain from ever telling them what it is they 'must' do ... No alcoholic likes to ever be told they must do this or that ... they just have to learn to want to ... only then do we start to make suggestions ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
