Someone once said: "The longer we let resentments linger the more powerful they become". How true. Any resentment, real or imagined, creates a void that only forgiveness can fill. It fuels fires, destroys relationships and can even strike a sour cord among closest allies. It's a harsh reality either way, so I try to pick and choose my battles wisely and so should you. Resentments tend to cause friction while forgiveness brings about change. But how do we forgive others when we can't even forgive ourselves.
Has anyone here ever felt resentful? Have you ever forgiven yourself for feeling that way? Destructive behaviors, like unhealthy lifestyles, are sad ways to act out. But just like resentments, we do. We feel so aghast with ourselves that we self destruct from within. One day we feel on top of the world and our lifestyle reflects that sentiment. On other days, though, we feel more disgusted with ourselves than anything else. And, of course, our lifestyle, again, reflects that sentiment. It's because of this topsy turvy existence that we felt compelled to drink in the first place. So, what's the alternative? Simple, really: Forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves first and then others.
That's why the steps are so important. They were written with that in mind: Allowing ourselves to feel forgiveness -first- (step 5) and then allowing us to forgive others (step 9). So if you haven't done the steps just yet I suggest you do.
Remember: If left unchecked, resentments can linger beyond the point of reasonableness. It may still linger long after we promise forgiveness. It can also conceal itself in a shameless web of uninvited pretexts, who knows. So, again, what do we do? Well, you already know, dear. It's time to put the steps into action and now that you've gotten step one it's time for you to move on. Just remember: We're talking a lifetime of change here, so don't think you have to get it all at once. Baby steps, okay. Onward...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 29th of March 2013 11:50:39 PM
I've noticed that I've been stuffing myself lately - beyond full and especially on junk like chips and chocolate cake. I don't normally allow myself many sweets or junk foor or candy, so I know that I'm doing sort of the same thing as with alcohol - just blocking out my own set of guidlines for me, and crossing new boundaries I never thought I would. Just like when I said "well I'll never do x, y or z when I drink" I inevitably did x - then y - then in the end, z and beyond.
I'm afraid I'm doing it with food these last few days, and I have a feeling it has to do with my resentment toward my in laws... and to be honest... it's scary, and it's all too farmiliar.
I'll be damned if I turn into one of those people who puts down one thing and then picks up a million or even one other thing... I'm just plain too stubborn. But the worst of it is, it means I'm still sick, and I'm still looking for something to make it better. I still have symptoms, because I'm still sick. I'm also mad at myself that after all this work and all this time, I'm not even close to letting this one go. In fact - because of the time lapsed, it seems to be growing, and I keep adding to it to make it 'bad enough' to be worthy of this long of a grudge. It's crazy that I know I'm creating all this drama for myself, that half of it is just fabricated in my own mind... yet I'm powerless over making my legs walk through the door to their home and take a place at Easter dinner. Why can't I just do it??? What is wrong with me????
I guess I don't have much for patience or tolerance for myself after all. So - today, I'm just trying to share about it - I've gone to a meeting every day this week. My sponsor has been busy all week when I'm available, so I'm just trying to reach out where I can. I'm trying to do all the things I would tell a sponsee to do - but somehow, that keeps me my own HP and I know that's wrong. I've been at this with myself for a year now. My HP seems like a dim little flicker waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off in the distance.... not really paying any attention. I want my resolution, and I want it yesterday, and it feels unfair that it never comes. So, I'm sorry for those of you who think I'm whining and I don't want the solution. You're right. This is today for me, and this is my journal entry for day 369 in my sobriety. Seems like it should be day 69 I know.
Acceptance - bleck! I think I'll just eat another cookie.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks Tasha for the ESH...I remember my early sponsor showing me that when I hurt myself to get back at a resentment I could say to myself "There...I got myself good that time". All of those lesson were superior for me and changing my choices on how I "reacted" to events and people in my life. You sound like you're getting back at you because of them. I see and hear my fear too...thanks again...my fear of letting go of something I made so important which wasn't and that I wouldn't let it go because I couldn't figure it out. Somewheres that is called depression. If you let them or the resentment go...then what will you have go make you feel important? If you let it go you reach a higher level of recovery and self care and that is frightening...all you have now is acceptance of life without condition...hmmmm I can remember that beening so frightful until I came to understand the wisdom "let go absolutely"..."turn it all over to God and bring you hands back empty.
What would it look like and feel like for someone to see you completely relaxed with a body language which said out loud..."nothing is wrong...I'm happy to be here". Go stand in front of a mirror and first say..."I love you unconditionally"...check out your body language when you say that. Next practice...nothing is wrong...I'm happy to be here". "Believe it...say it". You want to be loved and you want to be seen as being loving. Practice and the Easter metaphor is about rebirth...go have one.
I don't think the resentment is having as much to do with your eating as the fear is. Stop calling Tasha "sick" what she is is fearful and angry about?...it. (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal...you may be reading the evidence wrong using the wrong brain. What is the real evidence and would "they" agree with it. I just did this inventory the other day to realign my mind, spirit and emotions. I asked myself are they really thinking that way about me right now and are they calling the evidence what I am saying that it is? and my response was "impossible" and so I dropped the fearful resentment and presented myself in front of the person who's behavior I had resented and been angry and I was fine...balanced...accepting...okay...and still in unconditional love with them. Instant diet!! I lost alot of sick weight.
I was taught that the opposite of fear is love...that is what it is for me and for my HP who taught it to me. Unconditional love...you can do it...don't say you can't...if you have to hold on to the resentment and fear be honest and say "I won't".
I'll give you my address and you can send all the extra eat to me. lol ((((Hugs))))
Hey Tasha, I do know the resentment you are talking about. One thing that helped me was to realize that many times the people we resent are sick themselves. They may not be alcoholics, but, many times they have some of the other sicknesses we have beneath the surface. When I realized that, it was easy to displace the resentment with a bit of empathy. That made it easier to pray for them, and many times that made the situation manageable. It does not erase the fact that some people will not be that pleasant to be around, BUT it solves the riddle and erases the need for us to resort to other "escapes" like eating or.......fill in the blank. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Found these fabulous speaker tapes @ xa speakers.org. Go to single AA speakers , on page 3, Audrey C & Julie H. I literally just found these tapes yesterday, browsing through this site. Listen to them talk about Steps 3,4 & then 5,6 & 7. They really resonated with me, & I think you may find them helpful for what you're going through. I love the way they talk about resentments, and how we need to let go of them for us. Quit beating yourself up for not being Miss Perfect AA, and keep working on regaining balance and serenity. ((((hugs))))
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
You should be sorry for worrying his family (even if they are biatches). You can be sorry and yet not be ashamed of who your are and where you are at today. This is all part of putting it in the past. You don't have to appear perfect in their eyes. "Sorry I created the situation where my husband was so upset and worried that he came to you guys. I am sorry if that created worry on your part for him, the kids and the family as a whole. As you know, I'm sober now and living a different life." That puts it in the past and says you are not sorry for who you are today, but proud of it. Don't expect them to understand the "disease model" and if we pulled that on all our ammends, why would we do any step 8 and 9 at all? Also it's apologizing for worrying them...not for being an alcoholic. Now you are in treatment and have nothing to feel guilty about. The fact that it took that for you husband to do...that it took him being at his wits end...that's on you. You did that and those are your ammends to make with his family and him. But this is your inventory and you can feel free to disagree. As long as you stay angry about it and don't own it and are humiliated by it, you are victim to it and I personally don't want you to be victim to anything any more cuz you don't deserve that and you've worked too hard.
Your husband would not go to them exasperated and scared if you had PMS or a Cold. This situation was different and is is related to your stepwork. I don't think you will be able to march in with your head held up high until you address this through the steps. Otherwise it's like expecting conflict to resolve with no discussion - ignoring the problem. Isn't that old behavior for you?
P.S. I know I'm being challenging and don't forget I care about you first and foremost. I wouldn't be making these suggestions with just anyone but it's because I know you can handle it. I just think these inlaws have you hostage cuz you havent made ammends to them and that is what is keeping you wrapped up in self bondage.
Lastly, like i inferred before - I do reserve the right to be wrong.
**The other thing I forgot Tasha is that you know these people better than me. It is conceivable the bringing it up could cause more harm than good if they really have their minds made up or just don't want to hear it. That's something you would know better than me and in that case, amends might not be wise.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 30th of March 2013 03:03:52 PM
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Tasha, it's all about balance - you will find yourself going in addictive directions with food, excercise, coffee, dieting....whatever. I have a disease of "more" and I have to work my program to keep it in check. So, it is what it is and if you blow up all fat from eating sweets its still better than being a drunk. I have the same mentality about "I'll be damned if I got sober to be fat, to smoke, to (insert whatever) but nonetheless, I have this amorphous glob of addictive sickness and there are many things I can't do like a normal person. I don't eat like a normal person, I can't gamble on cruises without supervision...it is what it is but I'm okay with it.
Anyhow. About the resentment. Are you sure you did your 8th and 9th steps throroughly with regard to these inlaws? Is your side of the street really clean? Did you apologize for maybe making them worry about their brother and their neice and nephew? I'm thinking perhaps this discussion has not taken place and maybe this is why you have ongoing shame and feel judged. Much of it may be self imposed but you haven't made an amends to them except in the form of living sober (which is a very good thing don't get me wrong). After you do that, if they have a problem, then they can truly kick rocks - prior to you making this ammends, it is about you and it is about your shame. Sounds like you are waiting for them to make amends to you and it's you that needs to make the ammends to them even if they are some catty biatches that you have no interest in hanging around. Once you say 'You know what guys. I was wrong in putting your brother through this and then having him so worried he had to reach out to you guys for support cuz he didn't know what to do. You must have been scared for him and the kids but I am okay now. I'm sorry for what happened." ...once you do that you are free and I think that may be what need to happen for this resentment to clear...not what they do to reach out to you and not magically waiting for forgiveness to appear out of nowhere. Make the ammends and move on.
Just my take.
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So I'm apopolgizing for being a person with a disease? On apologizing for who I am and something out of my control? If I say that they just go on believing I had a choice and should be sorry for it? Do I apologize when I get a cold or bad PMS or cancer? Don't I have to believe its not a disease to apologize for having it?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Part of my program incorporates the question what is the consequence of the part I am playing...what is my part in this? It is my part that I am responsible to and for. When it comes to fear and resentments while being around others and I am saddling them with my feelings and want to feel balanced, serene and sober sometimes what I have to do is "act as if" without over analyzing and by using humility...the "letting go and being teachable" of this program. When I resist having faith and acting as if often I hear the habitual excuse of "I can't do that!!"and then only to hear my sponsor gently tell me..."It isn't so much that you can't do a thing and that you won't do it". In that statement is the perception of me pointing my finger back at myself and then following thru with my choice and owning the outcomes. What are the outcomes for me? Listen to your body comment about your eating and your excuse for it. Mine talks see if yours does. Keep coming back...Happy Easter!! (((((hugs)))))
Hmmm. It was pointed out to me that I do not own their reaction to things. That's not on me, that's on them. To only own what's mine to own, that their problem is theirs, not mine.
This - actually led me to my sponsors house for a 4 hour 'chat' and we did discover that I have an overwhelming need for them to like me... and for me to like them... stemming way back to childhood and the feelings of rejection and abandonment. Taproot is always fear. We located it - worked the steps on it - and I will be praying for them for 1 month as instructed by my sponsor. She did not feel that an amends was in order here... that this would give in to my own selfishness and my self centered desires.
I need to be okay with not liking everyone, and not being who everyone thinks I should be. That means, it's okay for me to not like them, and not want to hang around them. It means that it's okay for me to not go there and let my children see other people that they love and respect treat me badly and judge me.
My need for them to like me is a selfish one, and I see now that it's not healthy for my kids, it's not healthy for me... and that my feet are planted here because God has them firmly planted where they are suppose to be.
Thanks everyone - I love you all so much!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The overwhelming need to love and be loved is deep nature. We come with that like it or not..."Love and be loved" is how it has been told for centuries and you can find it in such elder books as the bible. The greatest commandment is to love God with your whole mind, heart and soul...and your neighbor as yourself. There is nothing more natural, for me than this kind of Agape love and the program with my sponsorship and HP rebuilt it within my life. I am a believer in and have worked a "taproot" inventory...the source of all of my defects of character. That was the 6th of my 4th steps with a sponsor who kept handing me shovel after shovel. Where as my greatest emotional charcter defect was fear the deeper root was something else. Resentments for me are always about fear and "the other"...always and as I have found out and stated before for me the opposite of fear is love...they are diametrically opposed and I cannot feel both at the same time. Because of the restoration of love..."the unconditional acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are"...my life I am free of fear. There presently isn't anyone in my life today that I fear so much that I find them unacceptable and therefore unloveable...This is how my HP loves me...I have not reason not to do the same. It of course takes practice, prayer, meditation and open minded listening with my ears and my eyes. Today I wan't to always be caught loving that way. Practice. Happy Easter. (((hugs)))
Tasha there is a program called overeaters anonymous. They hold 3 hourly meetings on a site called therecoverygroup.com It is ran just like any other meeting except it's focus is on your relationship with food.
It sounds like a good solution. Taking some action was necessary and it does seem like you and your sponsor have a handle on it. Ultimately, I didn't want you suffering with this so much. I guess more at the root of it than anything is why you let yourself care about them so much when you don't even like them? Your discussion and work with your sponsor gets more to that than what I suggested. I have similar issues with pefectionism, people pleasing.....so I can identify. I'm glad you have a good sponsor and that you are willing to do the work to get the results! Happy easter!
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