The past 24 hours have been the most difficult I have had in my six weeks of sobriety.
It all started yesterday when my wife and I decided to go out for dinner. She asked me if I was "still not drinking," to which I responded that I am not.
Now, I need to back up and provide some context: My wife and I have a very good relationship and are profoundly close and open about most things. Alcohol, however, is something we have vastly different experiences with. She was raised in an Italian family by people who are always drinking red wine, but who also very rarely lose control of themselves. As a result, my wife associates drinking with spending time with her family and is used to people doing stupid things under the influence on occasion - it's just part of the family culture in which she grew up. My wife has an extremely high level of self-control when it comes to her own drinking, and so has never experienced first-hand what it is like to become alcohol dependent.
I, on the other hand, was raised by a step-father because my biological father was an extremely abusive and angry alcoholic who used to threaten to kill my mom on a regular basis. I was lucky in that I never inherited the anger; I was unlucky because I did in fact become an alcoholic - albeit a philosophical and mellow one most of the time. Anyway, alcohol was always shamed in my family. My mother hates alcoholics and to this day my step dad keeps a box of wine in a closet that he fills his glass from whenever he drinks. As a result I learned to hide my drinking and feel shameful about it from the day I started. I also had ZERO capacity to talk openly and honestly about drinking until I started posting on this message board.
So, when I decided to stop drinking, I was not completely honest with my wife because I did not think she would fully understand it. I have been a VERY high functioning alcoholic since we met and I have done most of my heavy drinking in secret. I have only done really stupid things in her presence a handful of times and any time I have ever mentioned concern for my drinking, she has assured me that she thinks I don't have a problem and that I'm only beating myself up unnecessarily. While she is only trying to console me, it has led to moments of further denial.
Well, yesterday I was put into a position where I had to tell the truth. And it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. After we left the restaurant she asked if I was planning to stay sober forever. I told her yes. She told me that this made her sad because she's loves the shared experience of celebrating over a drink with her husband. I dropped the conversation because I wasn't in a place to really go there.
Last night while we were in bed I told her that not drinking makes me a better person. I told her that the past six weeks have made me feel more alive than I have in the past ten years - that I have slept better, dreamt better, felt better, and been more present with her than ever before. Again, she replied that she is just sad to think about all of the times that she and I have had great nights out after a few drinks. What she doesn't know about those nights is that usually they ended with our coming home and me drinking straight out of a rum bottle while she was in the bathroom. Anyway, I felt really hurt and upset by this and laid awake for two hours fuming because I felt like she just wasn't getting it. Then I realized I wasn't being fully honest.
Finally, this afternoon the world kind of came crashing down after I accidentally dropped a glass tea cup that smashed across the floor. Both of us were feeling tense and this was the impetus for us to let it all out. She told me that if I stop drinking, she feels like she is going to have to stop drinking. She told me that drinking is a huge part of her family's bonding time together and that she feels like now she is going to have to explain to them that I have stopped. She told me that she doesn't want to lose the fun and spontaneity of coming home with a bottle of champagne and celebrating for no reason. She told me that she feels like I am going to start judging her if I stop drinking and that she doesn't want to have to start drinking alone if she wants to unwind with a glass of wine. I had no response and so the two of us decided to just sit and think in silence for a little bit.
Needless to say, I felt like absolute shit about myself. I was cursing my father, cursing alcohol, cursing addiction, and cursing the fact that by trying to do the right thing and take care of myself, I was now alienating my wife. We dosed off and for two hours I felt like my head was on fire. I cried and cried, because I feel like no matter what I do in this situation I'm hurting somebody. And I love my wife very much.
When we woke up I told her the truth. I told her about the hell that is my life when I drink. I told her about ten years of guilt and shame and fear and horror all tangled in my brain as a result of alcohol. I told her that I have feared for my life so many times I cannot even count them all. I told her that every day I am haunted by addiction and the stupid choices I have made because of it. I told her that I live in a perpetual state of anxiety and panic when I'm drinking. And I told her that I would give almost anything to be able to drink like a "normal" person - to celebrate with champagne and just enjoy the moment. And I told her I have really tried. When I told her exactly how many days I had been sober, she knew it was for real.
After taking it all in, she told me that she was proud of me. We spent the rest of the afternoon shopping and have had a very close, very good day. But there is still a weirdness between us and it makes me sad. I wish that I could be the type of husband who comes home with a great bottle of wine, cheese, and crackers and celebrates for no reason. I think she is understanding now better - she is already starting to poke fun at me in an endearing way - but it's all just so sad and infuriating to have to put another person through this. Anyway, here begins another leg of the journey.
Think good thoughts, please :)
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I brought home a bottle of sparkling pomegranate juice to celebrate my 1 yr - and my husband brought me 'crazy daisy's' (they are a type of flower) and a box of chocolates. First time since we were dating. I was sober when I met him, so it felt like 'we were back'. You'll get there. Honesty taken slowly has worked great for me. More is always revealed, and I reveal bits as my HP see's fit as I go to my husband. Great share Adam, you are certainly the bright spot.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Sounds like your wife is definitely not alcoholic ... and as you well know, only an alcoholic can completely understand what another alcoholic is going through .... early on, my wife and family just thought I was weak 'willed', that I should be able to control my drinking and not go to the extreme .... you know the story ....
The only thing I can say is that it took time for them to understand, just a little, that I could not be around alcohol at all for a while ... (but of course after years of working the program, I can be 'around' it now, I just cannot take that first drink ...) ... ... ... If you could get your wife to attend at least a few Al Anon meetings, I think she might get a better idea of what it is you're going through ...
If your love for each other is strong enough, then it will carry you through these ruff spots ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm sure it was a tough conversation to have, but being 100% honest about your alcoholism and other things really does work. Doing the right thing is never wrong.
I know it seems like a bottle of champagne or nice wine seems harmless, but for us it is destructive poison that leads to insanity.
Let her know that it is alright for her to drink around you and celebrate etc, you will just be drinking something else. She and her family will adapt and come to terms with you not drinking, and it won't matter after a short period of time and they will totally forget about it. If you want to bring home some wine and cheese etc, do so, just don't drink the wine.
More fun times than you could ever imagine will come, if you stay on the path.
I dated a number of women back in the day, who like to have a few glasses of wine when we went out, we always had great times together and me being sober was never a issue.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
That's a really good relationship Adam...and no often times Cultural people don't underestand. My family were cultural...to the extreem. In the old country they may have had a bit of heady Rose and in the new country they had bottles of it. I relate to wishing for normal and what I get at the end of the wish is normally drunk. It is what it is and I'd rather be serene and sane than try to take it apart from where normal becomes ab-normal. I would find myself in the ab-normal only. I go into shock if someone sneaks a Martinelli to me wondering is it? or isn't it? Alcohol free is normal...original state...basic how I was created (I think) normal. Good work loving your wife. It ain't a failing...IT'S A DISEASE!! (((HUGS)))
I guess I'm confused as to what a bottle of wine has to do with coming home for a celebration? I'm glad you finally decided to be truthful with your wife, that is quite a secret to have kept. Do you go to AA meetings? It might be helpful if your wife went to an Al-Anon meeting, as she doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of your disease. I had a terrible time when I stopped drinking, and I had the full support of AA and my husband. Good luck.
Yes, alanon & aa working together are what seem to be the vehicle that gets 'us' better and better every day. My husband has been in alanon about 6 months I think. I look forward to our future.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Adam, This too shall pass. I really think the honesty is going to be what does it for you. I found the easiest thing to do around family members is to just tell them. "I think I am a drunk, so I am stopping." The brutal statement puts them back a step. Some of your relatives will test you in jest. When pressed, tell them to you its a disease. Would they press cake and ice cream on their diabetic Aunt? As far as the wifey goes, bring her the next step, and show her the Big Book. I know this will pass and you will be fine. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Adam, I can relate so much to how you feel. I got sober eight months ago, and my husband continues to drink. Every time we go out he talks about "fun" times we had drinking together, and how he wishes I would start drinking again. If it weren't for working my program, meetings and working the steps I would have probably joined him. Thank God today, my obsession has been removed.
