Can I sponsor a non-alcoholic?

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Can I sponsor a non-alcoholic?

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Tasha,

I certainly think it is wonderful that you want to help your friend and I think you can be part of her support system in her recovery and I'm sure you could aid her in some stepwork.

I wouldn't really use the term sponsor as it relates to AA. An AA sponsor does more that just help someone work the steps. From a service standpoint, I would look at the the situation with your friends best interest in mind.

I don't know a lot about Emotions Anonymous, but it would seem that their literature and steps would be something she could relate better with. If it was my friend I would urge/help them seek out a support network in this type of area. http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/ they have online communities also.

Also, suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly, I would urge her to seek appropriate professional help if she has not done so already.

Hope this can help.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Tasha,
I agree with Rob and Bob. You can spiritually help her and sure, you can talk her through the steps to show her how it helped you, but what is she powerless of? What is a HP taking from her? What defect of character does she have? Honestly, in a way, we are lucky that our defect, as powerful, cunning and baffling as it is, comes from a bottle. We are asking our HP to remove the bottle. I would be careful because if this does not work out, it could affect your serenity--which could have bad results. The AA sponsorship at least has a track record and a baseline of experience for you to draw from. What you are proposing is untested and puts you both out on a limb. I have heard it expressed as not doing anything "dumb, different or dangerous". I think she needs to get help from someone trained in this, but certainly you can share your HP with her. I would also like to hear Pink Chip's input.
Tom

P.S. I was typing at the same time as Bob. Does she drink wine? It would not hurt for her to give that up and sit in on a meeting and hear about keeping it simple!

Tom

-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 23rd of March 2013 08:06:55 AM

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yes, when I got to my bottom, she was driving! LOL!

She goes back and forth with drugs and alcohol, but she has a pretty serious heart condition. I don't think she can be much more than a dry drunk. That's only for her to know... I have no idea truly how she feels when she takes a drink, but she has told (when we were out drinking) that she has no desire to just drink one or two, she wants to take it farther every time. But then again... I can't waste time figuring her drinking and drugging out. It's like trying to figure out my Dad who has gone through life these past years unable to drink for health reasons and living in a dry drunk. That's for him to decide really.

To me the drinking part doesn't really matter for her. Her life is unmanageable. She feels powerless over her past and present and the people in it and sometimes herself. We had a lengthy discussion about the self seeking and dishonesty last night, and she identified with all of it.

I called my sponsor, and she said there is a book out there "the 12 steps for everyone else" and I'm going to recommend it to her.

I have watched her suffer countless times in the psych ward over the past couple years. She is so broken, and has literally tried every avenue of professional help. But when I speak with her, I hear the same 'pity party' I heard in myself as a newcomer. Now finally... after 4 yrs of her getting therapy, being in and out of the psych ward, and on the verge of wanting to kill herself all over again, never really being able to stay away from the razor blade for more than about 4-6 months... I finally, finally, feel like I could offer to at least take her through the steps. That I'm in an okay enough place to finally help without expectations. That I can explain to her that my help would be only that she learn a bit more about the way she is, the way she thinks, and how I began to think about things differently, and truly believe a HP loves me.

She writes - and we write together. We have written music and duets together, we have recorded together, and we have written together. We both love the same things, and this mutual creativity has held us together through all these years of muck. . Now... she finally admits to me last night, that after all her writing of her faith, it's nothing more than words. That it's only a ploy for acceptance and validation from her Mother & Father. That she does not believe God loves her.

I cry with her, and offer to take her through the steps... I can only hope that, after all these years of her trying to show me her faith and me turning away, that she will not do the same thing to me as I try and show her mine. Somehow, the roles have reversed.

What I do know, is that we will always have our writing, and our music and that is and has always been a gift from God, and nothing we 'try' can ever keep us from having a God given gift when we do these things together. So I honestly do not think after all we've been through, that doing the steps with her could 'hurt' if she gives it an honest attempt. She said she could do that now... be honest with me. My sponsor said 'she will chose to pick up the tools or not just like anyone else'. I can go into knowing that, and being okay with that.

Thank you all so much for the feedback.

-- Edited by justadrunk on Saturday 23rd of March 2013 08:40:06 AM

2granddaughters · Senior Member

When I was in the recovery home in 1989 there was 5 in my group that didn't drink but had the same thinking. When I put the drink down I was just like them.

I too was plagued by suicidal thoughts for many years and it was such a relief to find others like me. I thought I was special.

An AA buddy, who is working the Steps and growing over the years, is one of those folks. He wasn't a drinker but always had some wine with his family over Christmas Holidays. He gave up his Christmas wine to qualify for AA (the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking). He is great to sit with at the tables to discuss our "ISMs".

All the best.

Bob R

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hi Tasha Blessings of this day!

For over 10 years when I was up north before moving to Florida I was part of a group of men that would meet weekly,pray together and share our hearts and fellowship in positive ways and be accountability partners with each other.Very similar to Sponsorship and we worked together out of our spiritual readings and did service in our personal faith areas.I had a very different backround from most but WE learned and helped each other in our own various ways. The men knew of my interaction with the program and I learned about life in the 'normie" world something since the time I was 11 or 12 was not my lifstyle or in my early thoughts not normal..(using was my main goal,substances,people,places and things)WE shared laughter and tears together(I believe to of the God of our own understandings gifts)and followed a spiritual guideline to the best of our abilities from our faith beliefs. One helping another in a loving and caring manner,not far off our spiritual principles.To be of maximum service to God and others was not in conflict and strengthened my daily journey in freedom from active addiction.When it was said that WE do become visions of hope,examples of the program working and our joy in living free and God centered was an attraction to those still sick and suffering in many ways the premise was true.There are many different programs of recovery,ours as AA'S is substance specific but the premise is still to be of maximum service to your HP,others and give back what we were freely given..Having another see the LIGHT shine thru you is truly a blessing,,I can only suggest paying it forward...My stuff..Peace and serenity!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Obviously you've known this woman a long time so it would seem you are not going to flip when she has problems....even if she is aided by the 12 steps. I think it's good for you to carry the message of recovery regardless of what her exact issues are. It is likely that she has had some trauma or abuse inflicted on her in order to have these behaviors. Self injury usually goes along with a history of sexual abuse. She may also have grown up in an alcoholic home. Hence, her "meetings" and "fellowship" could really be more fitting in alanon or an abuse survivors group. There is a definite healing factor from being part of the overall fellowship of a 12 step program and that is more than just doing the steps (though that's pretty much the most important part). I would hope she could find a 12 step group she feels most qualified to be at.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Of course!! Give her freely what you got freely. Remember the AA tap root and how it was brought into what became our fellowship and remember also that many of those who shared their ESH with our early founders were not alcoholic or addict. Remember most of all your relationship with God as you understand God. The 12th step of the Al-Anon Family Groups does not incude the word alcohol or alcoholism or alcoholic and if any group of people have ever been more affected by the disease? I don't think so. You know about depression...you drank it everytime you put alcohol into your day. Share your depression experiences and how you came out of it.

My third step prayer with my HP is "Place me where you need me....tell me what to do". There isn't a return thought there that says "only if you are alcoholic". Today I know what to do. I listen patiently and deeply and empathetically. I look for the similarities between the talker and my own. I share what I found out after coming into the healing/recovery period and then share what it is that I do now.

She is powerless over what she is allowing to constantly run wild in her life.

There is a power more powerful than that "dis-ease" which can lead her to sanity..."A consistant and orderly process of thought".

Teach her some of your simple prayers and meditations especially those of surrender and self abandonment and teach her how to be patient and open minded while letting the "God part" grow and kick into operation. Ask her if she has some perception of a Power Greater than herself and her problem. Accept it...don't try to change it.

Teach her how to inventory herself...mind, body, spirit and emotions. When and where it all started..how it came to be, what her beliefs are about it and how would she have acted and reacted if she had been the "other" people.

You know the process...give it back to her.

Good job Tasha (((((hugs)))))