I was reading the Big Book this morning when something very familiar sunk in for me. During one of the narratives, the author writes about how at the height of his drinking he was blaming anything and everything in the world for his problems - except alcohol. As it turns out, alcohol was the true source of the overwhelming majority of his problems. It wasn't until he stopped drinking that those problems finally went away.
This resonated with me because at the height of my drinking I was doing the exact same thing. What is particularly troubling about this revelation is that at the time I prided myself on being so "smart" and "thinking outside the box" in processing the world. I blamed "Puritan monogomy" for my bad relationships; I blamed "the media" for my disenchantment with the news; I blamed "pop culture" and "politics" for making the world an empty place; I blamed my parents for not understanding me; I blamed my friends for being judgmental and leaving me isolated; and I blamed God for everything else.
In response, I would drink and drink and drink, because alcohol seemed like the lone friend who was always there for me, would always make me feel better, and understood the depths of my sadness and frustration. It took almost ten years to understand it was also pulling the strings.
This probably seems like commonsense to folks who have been sober for a long time - and even folks who haven't. Of course alcohol is the root of our problems, right? But when I was in the midst of drinking myself into oblivion, alcohol seemed like a candle in the darkness. It seems like the only thing that really made sense. And as a result I feel like ten years of my thinking has been invalid and now I have to recalibrate. I'm thankful that I have the humility and presence to begin understanding that I was wrong for so much time - and thankful to have guides and friends along the way.
Anyway, just wanted to share. I hope everyone is having an excellent Friday.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Very well expressed Adam! Can relate to so much of what you've shared! I swung on the pendalium alot... either nothing was my fault or everything was my fault... in either case, a drink seemed to be the only thing that could sooth over the related feelings of anger, shame, guilt, fear, ect. It was such a lonely world.
I often say, if anyone lied to me and stole as much from me as I did, I'd put a contract on their ass! Today I know the biggest lies I ever told were the ones I believed, all those years. And why was I so gallible, vunerable to the dishonesty? Because it was manufactured in my own head, and spoken with my own lips..., so without a doubt it had to be true!! LOL
ADAM:) yes! I found myself nodding along to everything you wrote. I also prided myself on 'punk ethics' and was very anti- establishment. Hell, I had a double major of feminist theory and social anthropology- both fields of study that served to provide many 'intellectual' reasons and excuses to blame the world around me for all of my troubles. Well, that's how I took it, anyway:) Yes, booze was my best friend, my greatest and purist love- or so I thought. I clearly remember sitting in my kitchen alone at like 4 am - no friends left, another boyfriend scared away, 7 months behind in rent, no food in my house, no phone, tv, or electricity, just fired from my job of 6 years-with 3 bottles of wine lined up in front of me thinking "it's ok, I don't need anything but this. As long as I have booze it's ok". I truly believed it. Cunning, baffling, powerful indeed.
The thing about the program for me is the clarity of thought and the laser of honesty. All the sudden, the clouds lift, and the emperor is naked. As time goes on, it is really hard to watch others fool themselves. Keep it simple. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I was so there, Col. That pretty much sums up the first half of my 20s.
I got really into punk rock when I was a (straight edge, ironically) teenager. Punk rock music was essentially my introduction to critical thinking and politics. It was through punk rock that I began thinking about feminism, environmentalism, all the other 'isms', the media, and every single one of the world's problems. This set me up to enter college with a lot of conviction and excitement to learn more.
Once there I decided to major in cultural studies and literary theory, because I was interested in learning about power and politics in culture. Neither of my parents went to college, so the experience was particularly exciting for me. It was like landing on a whole new planet. And I probably read a lot of the texts you did, haha. I loved it and planned to become a prof - until I started drinking.
As soon as I started drinking I lost complete control of my life and started using my convictions to defend my own destructive and hurtful behavior. And nobody could challenge me because I managed to convince myself that everyone's attempts to control me were oppressive. I romanticized boozy authors and felt like I was in a unique club of people who really "got it" and were tortured as a result.
In reality, I have every confidence that had I stayed away from the booze, I probably would have continued on the path that I had originally planned. I have since learned that it was alcohol - and NOT "the world" - that took away all of that time, ruined my romantic relationships, made my friends start distancing themselves from me, and fundamentally shifted my priorities away from academics to being drunk constantly.
I want to kick myself every time I think about that. And I guess this is the point where one begins to pick up the pieces and make the best of the rest of life. I'm good with that, although sometimes I wish I could take a time machine back to that period of my life and give myself a talking to.
I'd probably say to the bleach blonde youth, "Duuude, what's more oppressive than an addiction that controls every choice you make and leads you into catastrophic loss?" Nothing.
Nothing at all.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Adam, once again you expressed my thought processes eloquently. That's was me- I wanted to be a professor, as well. I also considered myself amongst the elite few who really 'got it'- like Bukowski, Hemingway, Hunter Thompson. andthe beat writers. Man, I thought I was too cool! I spent the last 8-10 years of my drinking drowning in self-pity and anger. I believed I had nothing but squandered potential and lost dreams. Then I got sober- buying my first vacuum was worthy of a post here, I thought hahaha. I just couldn't do life- I had no clue about anything. And it's the absolute best decision I've ever made by far. So I'm not a professor, I'm a waitress- and Ive been blessed with the opportunity to seek out what life's really supposed to be about. What's better than that?
