This situation has 'potential disaster' written all over it. So I'm working step 9, making amends. I contacted an ex- boyfriend- THE ex- boyfriend, really the only relationship I've ever had. Sure, there were a few musicians, a tattoo artist thrown in- but they were distractions. Or drunken, drama filled infatuations. THIS guy I was with for 10 years, most of that time spent living together. We met at 17, and fell for each other fast. He moved into my apartment within a month. I was a drinker, he was a stoner... For the most part it was a very immature relationship. But we had love. I really think this is the only guy I ever loved. Well, we know how alcoholics and relationships go... He saw firsthand much of the progression of my alcoholism. In the end, my love of booze over road any love I once had for him. He was getting in the way of my drinking, and I didn't care about anything or anyone aside from booze. I pushed him away- I broke up with him the day of our 10th anniversary in a bar. He moved across the country and I never really thought of him again. Though we had our problems, he was a good boyfriend- not violent at all, faithful the duration of our relationship, supportive. He's just a good guy- a sweet, sensitive, kind and gentle soul. I contact him to make amends, told him I'm sober. He says hes very proud of me and thinks of me often. That I'm the 'one that got away'... Now that I'm no longer drinking maybe we could 'start talking' about where we left off. I'm overwhelmed and know this is probably a bad idea, but all these memories came rushing back of both good and bad times. I know my heads not working right quite yet, but he feels like home, yaknow? This guy already knows all the bad things about me, and still loves me? I haven't spoken to him in 9 years, and it was like I saw him yesterday. Oh, man. It's left me in turmoil.
This is what the Big Book says: Concerning relationships(not necessarily from the rooms)
Page. 69, paragraph 1: "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct."
Page 69, paragraph 3: "In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it."
Page 69, paragraph 4: "God alone can judge our sex situation."
Page 69-70: "Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge."
Page 70, Paragraph 2: "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing."
I can only suggest speaking with your Master sponsor, that is the God of your understanding,your regualr sponsor and remember WE are responsible for our own recoveries,that also needs to stay paramount in our minds..In support and prayer...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Seems to me that the quotes from pages 69-70 are in the context of Step 4. And specifically about the list of (selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate) sexual conduct that is one of the 5 lists that are a part of Step 4.
There's not much in the Big Book beyond the chapter To Wives about romantic relationships in year one.
There's plenty of folks who subscribe to the one- year rule, though. I hear it all the time. I have think that came from therapy folks.
Col, I thought Mikef summed it up very well. Tanin makes the point that those quotes come from "How it Works", but they are also a good summary of steps 10 and 11, not to mention step 12, continuing to practice these principles in all our affairs. Certainly meditation and prayer are called for, and an honest assesment of your motives.
But what a great result to your amends. You are forgiven. Whether there can be the miracle of reconciliation might be slower in becoming clear. The sayings "easy does it" and "first things first" were intended for this situation I believe.
i find it wise to pray to god for direction( i think 11th step?). be on the lookout for selfish selfseeking motives not only that, i think you already know what to do by typing this: This situation has 'potential disaster' written all over it.
yup, i can have feelings, but it isnt wise for me to run with them.
Everyone made good points. I found that I wanted to take positive risks and I wanted to have relationships. My relationships in earlier sobriety had some problems and as I grew in the program, my relationships also grew. It was an encompassing thing not something where I reached 1 year sober or whatever and then was suddenly able to have a mature relationship. I know relationships are stressful and they can trigger lots of feelings etc... and for that reason people say relationships can be "triggers." Personally, I believe relationships are an inherent part of the human experience and, as long as you stay close to the program and keep trying in all earnesty to apply it, whatever you do in relationships is going to be a learning experience and it will only make you better and stronger. It won't make you drunk. Relationships are part of life and if you believe relationships can get you drunk then you will believe life can get you drunk too. Follow your heart, your HP, but utilize your program and all will turn out just fine!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Give TIME, TIME ... ... ... Through experience with my brothers and sisters in recovery, I have found that any relationship this early in sobriety, new or 'renewed' old relationships can be a tool to 'derail' our recovery ... so I say give it some time, do as suggested above and let God make of it what it will be ...
In this program, we learn not to rush into any emotional 'time bomb' ... sometimes we just simply 'Let Go' and live for 'today' only ....
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Col, you got me feeling all warm and fuzzy there for a moment lol. Here's a few ideas. You were attracted to this guy when you were drinking. Typically the folks that we are attracted to before we get sober aren't the type that we'll want to be around after. We grow, mature, it changes. I met my first wife when I was 23 (she was 18). It was much like you described, we had a child and parted in 7 years. I got sober to raise my son and she wasn't interested in that. Later, she brought up the idea of reconciling a few times during my first couple of years sober, and she was very attractive but I had changed, she was no longer on the "pedestal", her flaws were exposed. She still drinks and smokes cigarettes (disgusting). I couldn't live with a pot smoker either. Both my parents were alcoholic. Watching them mood alter, morph drunk to hungover and somewhat straight again is what screwed me up to begin with. I don't need to be around that, it wouldn't be long before I was thinking it would be a good idea. But I guess you didn't say if he was still getting stoned regularly. But IF it is meant to be, it will be. Just don't try and force it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 20th of March 2013 09:12:23 PM
I ran across a joke about the issues (yes, plural) that the OP is about:
Q: How can you tell when 2 newcomers are on ther second date in AA?
A: There's a moving van in front of one of their houses.
Fyne Spirit wrote:
Tanin makes the point that those quotes come from "How it Works", but they are also a good summary of steps 10 and 11, not to mention step 12, continuing to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I think that the cited lines from page 69-70 come from instructions on how to complete part of Step 4, namely, the sex conduct list. The text is in the context of instructions on how to do this portion of Step 4. The context is also retrospective, not prospective with respect to relationships. It's hard for me to see how picking out every other sentence can be utilzed for a different subject. Here it is from the BB:
Now about sex.Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes -- ab9surd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test -was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation.Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot . . .
There is some good AA advice about newcomer relationships in the 12 & 12. Page 119. That's worth looking at. But he Big Book doesn't have much, if anything.
I didn't really like my husband all that much when I met him. Then we got married, had kids, bought a house, then a hobby farm - did all the moves through life, but we didn't know each other deeply. We were childish in our relationship, and then it just went away altogether. We were more like you said - felt like home, but we didn't know what home was anyway.
We completely disconnected from each other, and getting sober - and now him recovering, has unlocked these whole new people. It was incredibly scary at first. I didn't know if I was going to like him. I knew for a fact that if he didn't get into recovery I couldn't stay with him long... maybe a while for the kids.
He gave me a shot at getting better, so I gave him one. He's doing it. He heard a speaker with me early on say that after she got sober she couldn't have stayed with the husband had he not gotten well too in recovery. It was a cute old couple, both with a couple decades in recovery.
Today, we are still learning about each other, yet, we have been together almost a decade. We were always friends, and I think because we always have that to fall back on when things get weird, or sick, or painful, or just plain f'd up - we make it. We seem to always be about as sick as each other. When one leaps forward, it gets painful again for a while, then the other catches up... and on it goes.
Overall, things are getting really good - better spouses, and MUCH better parents... slowly. I am amazed as I right this, thinking back over this year. When I started writing, I didn't think we had really come all that far, but now as I truly think of the starting point and the progression, it's like a total transformation.
Kinda cool. Thanks for the inspiration...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
