I'm currently working step 9. It feels... Odd to say the least. I'm going back to all these people, most of whom are no longer in my life whether by their choosing or my own. I'm revisiting the person I used to be and people I used to know. I feel very detached from most of the things I did, lies I told, crazy behavior that used to be normal for me. It's like I don't even know the girl I used to be. I cannot imagine doing or saying the things I'm now making amends for. I also like to re- read old journal entries-WOW. I find myself asking 'who is this sad, lonely, lost, broken little girl??'. I recently came across a series of entries from a few months prior to getting sober. It was difficult to see the pain and despair. At that point I KNEW Drinking was THE problem... But I'm dancing around it. The focus was on controlling my drinking. The hell I was in is clearly seen on the pages. I was not able to admit I had to STOP drinking or die. I was obsessive about two things- controlling my consumption of alcohol (which was completely futile) and suicide. As I'm reading these entries I just want to slap the writer and shout "the answer is right in front of you!!!" and give her a couple more smacks and a hug. That girl is me, but soooo far away. Imagine- the difference just a few months, the miracle of AA, and the hand of my HP can make. Today, I am grateful:)
It's amazing how fast maturity (and sanity) can come around after put the plug in the jug. It becomes apparent, pretty quickly, exactly how alcohol screwed up our thinking and decision making. With all of that said, wouldn't it be insane to return to drinking?
