Though I'm for the most part in great spirits ( though not always here- thus is my venting place.. One of them), and feel grateful and seem to be experiencing more clarity and hope and all these gifts of sobriety, every so often I feel consumed with rage. This typically begins with a series of small annoyances that creep up on me, turning to self pity- then I get angry with myself for this. I've been thinking that I should be 'beyond' these feelings. That I should be somehow above them, constantly approaching things from a spiritual standpoint. I usually think that I must be doing something wrong to have any negative feelings, and then I get very childish and have some sort of temper tantrum...and my thoughts and emotions spiral downward and out of control. Then I think "man, this is just how I was when I was drinking". This happened tonight. A couple of things I probably could've done before I got to that rageful place. I also realized that although I went to a meeting today, I hadn't gone to a meeting for 2 days prior. This ALWAYS happens if I miss meetings, yet I still sometimes toy with my meeting attendance. I'll go to 2 in one day, then think ive gotten my AA fix and slack off. Why do we do this? I hear it over and over in meetings that others play similar games with themselves when it comes to AA. Is this laziness or some sort of denial? My excuse for missing a few days?? It was really windy! Well, it was... And I don't drive... So it's plausible I guess. WHAT?!? It's windy? Really Col? I need a serious reality check cuz Ive been missing many meetings lately, and don't want to be one of those people that either end up in a bar, or are an angry dry drunk. Ok- I'm pretty sure I just answered my own question- if I had one. I'm just venting. Thanks for listening:)
Hmmmmmm (((Col)))...reading your post I was taken back to that lesson with my sponsors and then that lesson from the Big Book...3rd edition page 449 and then some great slogans and face to face sit downs again with my sponsors and then more lessons on mercy and grace and "This too will pass" and then my HP speaking to me clearly when I started practicing listening first. I'm grateful for your post...it had lots of good stuff for me. Mahalo
It's like when I'm walking up town and get a small stone in my shoe. It mildly aggravates me but I believe the thing that aggravates me more is the fact that I'm too lazy to stop and remove it.
I "put up with it" because I'm inflexible most of the time. "Don't bother me !! I'm on a mission".
I've posted this a few times but it always serves as a reminder to me. There was a great 3rd baseman that played for the Detroit Tigers and was a beloved personality there. His name was George Kell. He was a great player and won baseball awards for his performance. A local TV reporter was interviewing him after one award ceremony and asked George what the secret was to being such a great 3rd base player. George said it really wasn't that much of a mystery, he said that when a ball was hit in his direction : "I knock the ball down, I pick the ball up .. and I throw the man out"
Sometimes, if I can just handle what's hit my way that simply, I have great days too.
I'm Bob, and I'm inclined to look at things bass ackwards .... and believe my own B.S. !! I naturally miss the simple truth of things often.
All the best.
Bob R
-- Edited by 2granddaughters on Saturday 9th of March 2013 09:58:50 AM
its good yer seein the problem. yup, meetigns are important, but here is one of the things i have to remember from the BB: Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
what this tells me is that if i trust in finite people to help me with my problems instead of my infinite God, it wont be good for me.
theres also a lot about anger,rage, self pity, and all that suff that screws us up in the 4th step. then theres good stuff about when this stuff pops up in the 10th step.
what i see the problem is here: "every so often I feel consumed with rage. This typically begins with a series of small annoyances that creep up on me.."
lil mouse poops building up instead of being taken care of when they crop up.
I thought I was supposed to be further than I was or better than I was for a while. It's kind of funny cuz if you go to newcomers meetings (even at regular meetings) you'll notice that the 9 month chip is really rarely given out. So you are further along that many ever get from that stand point and have much to be grateful for. AA doesn't stick with most people. It is sticking with you. You want it and you are growing. It is happening for you and you are blessed :)
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'll go to 2 in one day, then think ive gotten my AA fix and slack off. Why do we do this? I hear it over and over in meetings that others play similar games with themselves when it comes to AA. Is this laziness or some sort of denial? My excuse for missing a few days?? It was really windy! Well, it was... And I don't drive...So it's plausible I guess. WHAT?!? It's windy? Really Col? I need a serious reality check cuz Ive been missing many meetings lately, and don't want to be one of those people that either end up in a bar, or are an angry dry drunk. Ok- I'm pretty sure I just answered my own question- if I had one. I'm just venting. Thanks for listening:)
Hey Col, ... ... ... Did you ever run out of something to drink and get up and go get more??? ... no matter what the weather ??? ...
My sponsor and I were talking one time and he said I'll see you at the meeting ... I said it's raining too hard ... he asked, did you ever get up and go get more beer when it was like this outside ??? ... I went to the meeting ... LOL
I was sicker than most Col ... I did not feel safe from missing a meeting, daily, for almost two years ... going to a meeting became something i just did every day ... it was a long time before I was convinced that God was with me even outside of the rooms ... Now? ... I do about 3 a week ... more when I pick up a new sponsee ...
I suggest you review where you stand in working the steps, with your sponsor ... for you to be experiencing periods oa 'rage is an indication something is not quite right ... and more work may be necessary in one area or another ... you can't work the steps too many times, trust me ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Col, I really know what you are saying and I wish I had the understanding you do at this early stage. It seems to me you are way ahead of the game. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanx for sharing...Yes meetings are an integral "part " of the program but as Big Book says "Page 59, paragraph 3: "Here are the steps we took, which aresuggested as a program of recovery"The application of the Solution, the program, in all areas of our lives is the program of recovery..We do suffer from a spiritual dilemma but also an incurable illness of body ,mind and spirit. This is not heresy and meetings give us opportunities to do many things for ourselves and others but WE are responsible for our own recoveries. I found that the progression was physical,(recovery begins with putting down the substance)then mentally ,by coming to "believe' we get a grip on our insanity and spiritually when we are able to turn our will and "lives"(all of our lives, as parents,husbands,wives,son,daughters,employees,friends and so on)not just some here and we'll keep the rest ,WE build that strong foundation...I have also found the regression for me has always been the opposite,I begin to lose my spirit(my faith ,trust in my Higher Power) next I may drift back into that zone of Insanity=that area where my change in attitudes and behaviors are faltering and my restoration is being controlled those by subtle insanitys(frustration,anxiety,emotional volatility!!) and next and the defeat picking up that 'first one" Because of God's grace and mercy,my diligent daly effort to apply the Solution,INTO THOSE AREAS OF MY LIVESS..keeps me from ever reaching the tickmaster for the downbound train once again..I have been able to now identify "when I see myself coming" I still need help(my sponsor ,others in my support,my Higher Power,but the regression doesn't just happen on the spot,it is usually because I have slacked in some important areas of my remission process. Physically we can rebuild our bodies,that we may have abused for so long,mentally we can find new areas of positive stimulation(back to school,take martial arts,paint ,read books,etc) and spiritually continue to pursue our 11Step with application of all the others..Complacency is the enemy of those working their own process and if we are complacent too long recovery ceases(the other parts of our illness,not just the poison)I truly believe being active in LIFE is as important as any one thing.... WE are also told"Page 19, paragraph 2: "None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think itseffectiveness would be increased if we did."Balance I found to be the key for my personall stability...There are many suggestions,important but as a process and not a single event WE continue doing the daily work and More ,I have truly found,is definitely revealed..If you miss a meeting or feeling that funk doing what you are doing,shaing,making decisions,leaving the results to your Higher Power and seeking the knowledge,,all can be well as long as WE Just dont pick up!!! This is my stuff and not meant to demean any program philosophy,,I continue to work diaily to stay in the Solution,with God's grace.....Thanks for help today ,Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking..Stay close to support,listen to suggestions above all things Keep your Higher Power on Top of all things,if it ain't spiritual probably ain't practical...Great awareness of where you are in your process...............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks guys! The best part about days like that is... They pass. I don't have to get locked into it. Prior to getting sober, I honestly didn't understand that. A day like yesterday would ruin my whole week if not longer. That mood would just linger and fester, getting bigger and bigger. I was texting with a friend I work with last night after our shift, and I was apologizing for being such a whiny brat all night, she made me laugh as she always does and simply said "eat a brownie and wash this b***h of a day off with a hot shower! Go to bed, see you tommorrow." Simple, easy advice- and it worked:) everybody had less than perfect days or moods- and it's ok. She's not in recovery, though, so what may seem easy and natural for her is usually the last thing I think of. Also, the advice given here is great:) maybe it was just a bad day, but there are certainly things I can do to step up my game in terms of AA and trusting my HP to guide me instead of questioning life circumstances and trying to fight them. I also realize that for some reason I have been blessed with some pretty awesome friends:) I certainly haven't done much in the past to deserve their support, love and loyalty. That's definetly on my gratitude list today.
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