However, I don't have to feel that way so much anymore thanks to the program. Actually, I really don't feel like that at all anymore... and wow - thanks for the reminder at how far away from those feelings and thoughts this program can take you in a year!
Welcome to MIP - sounds like you're on the right track! I think they told "don't drink even if your ass falls off". LOL
Seriously - keep comin back and keep posting. We need you!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 7th of March 2013 11:15:12 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I'm coming up on 90 days and really struggling. I'm having a lot of urges to drink and am on an emotional roller coaster. I'm hitting as meetings as I can, I have a sponsor w/ 27 years sobriety and just tonight i joined a homegroup. I'm also reading my big book and Daily Reflections. I know this is suppossed to get better but I hate it! My emotions are really raw right now and I'm in that terrible place where I don't want to drink but I don't want to feel this either. My head is a mess, it's almost as though I am trying to sabotage what's good in my life. I have been calling my sponsor daily to use him as a sounding board for what I'm thinking as I just cannot trust myself right. My marriage is a mess and I'm not sure it's salvagable, my son is sick and I feel helpless. I've really created a lot of wreakage in the wake of my drinking. I'm slowly coming to terms with an HP. I am getting into the habit of praying throughout the day. My prayers go something like "Higher Power, help me!!!". I can't sleep right now so here I am on the computer dumping out these emotions, sorry. I hope you folks are having a better night than i am. I plan to just keep coming back. I know this stinking thinking will get better over time but for now it's damn near unbearable. I'm not hopeless, just new, I guess. Can anyone relate?
Hey Mike welcome. Sounds like your on the right path. Sounds like your telling my story of when i showed up to AA. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that if how you feel becomes more important than what you do, you wont have a chance in hell. Our book says job or no job wife or no wife we wont stay sober if we put dependence on anything other then HP. You keep coming back here and no need to be sorry, the worse off you are the better we like it, your chances of staying are better.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Absolutely!! Welcome to MIP and congrats on coming up to 90 days..One thing you know for sure by picking up you will not make your son any better or your marriage for that matter of fact. The hardest thing I had to do was learn to live without using,,something I didnt know for over 25 years.I didn't get devastated overnite and it was going to take awhile to really surrender(emotional acceptance of utter defeat)Each day as the fog cleared I got closer to that real true miracle,,,losing the desire to use.....Keep sharing,using the tools you have and More will continually be revealed...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I'm coming up on 90 days and really struggling. I'm having a lot of urges to drink and am on an emotional roller coaster. I'm hitting as meetings as I can, I have a sponsor w/ 27 years sobriety and just tonight i joined a homegroup. I'm also reading my big book and Daily Reflections. I know this is suppossed to get better but I hate it! My emotions are really raw right now and I'm in that terrible place where I don't want to drink but I don't want to feel this either. My head is a mess, it's almost as though I am trying to sabotage what's good in my life. I have been calling my sponsor daily to use him as a sounding board for what I'm thinking as I just cannot trust myself right. My marriage is a mess and I'm not sure it's salvagable, my son is sick and I feel helpless. I've really created a lot of wreakage in the wake of my drinking. I'm slowly coming to terms with an HP. I am getting into the habit of praying throughout the day. My prayers go something like "Higher Power, help me!!!". I can't sleep right now so here I am on the computer dumping out these emotions, sorry. I hope you folks are having a better night than i am. I plan to just keep coming back. I know this stinking thinking will get better over time but for now it's damn near unbearable. I'm not hopeless, just new, I guess. Can anyone relate?
Welcome to MIP Mike, ... ... ...
I'm trying not to laugh 'cause this is serious stuff ... No, it's not funny at all, but yes, it does indeed get better for you and those around you ... and it takes a little more time than you have in, to make all the changes happen that you're in the process of making happen ... I, and most of those here, have gone through exactly what you are describing ... You sound as though you are making good progress, just keep going to meetings and talking with your sponsor ...
You said "I'm slowly coming to terms with an HP." ... ... ... Steps two and three are crucial for progress and improved sobriety ... and you will discover your HP is an entity to turn yourself 'over to' rather than come to terms with ... your HP's Spirit will be found at the meetings ... you don't have to look too hard to see this 'Spirit' in others there ... YOU are NOT going through anything that we haven't already experienced ... just hold yourself togather a little longer and the miracle you seek will happen ... don't ever give up ... cause for us to give up is to die ... ... ...
Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Look, I call my first 6 months my 'head in the washing machine' time. It's rough. You just have to hang on and count down the hours sometimes, and sometimes you question if it will be worth all the raw nerves and confused thinking. But it is because every day sober is a day closer to serenity and sanity, and that's a freedom that's worth one million times the crap we go through in the first six months.
It. Will. Get. Better.
If you don't drink and you stick around, you can take that to the bank.
At 90 days, you might be right where you should be. Everything is waking up, including our ability to feel, think, put things together, tear things apart, laugh, cry, be happy, get mad...have hope, feel like a loser, do some really smart stuff and do something pretty stupid.... we get the whole damn party at 90 days! LOL
Most meetings have a chip system, where you get a chip at 30, 60 and 90 days of sobriety, then at 6 months and 9 months, and then a year. Many think its to recognize the length of time someone has put together, but really its at these stages that we need to re-commit to our recovery and sobriety efforts. We can become pretty squarrlly at these intervels in this journey.
So, just a suggest; first remember... you only have to do this one day at a time. That as you get better, "it' gets better too.... and stay committed to your recovery. You are doing all the "things" you are suppose to do, so your mind and heart need to be encouraged to follow suit. Read, read, talk, pray... and simply act as if it's what you wanted to do your whole life. Get excited about it. It's not the destination that makes this trip we are on enjoyable, its the journey. All the places we get to go, and the things we get to do alone the way.. both internally and externally.
When I was in early recovery someone suggested that after I pray, I needed to visualize myself putting on a seatbelt... because it was going to be one hell of a ride! LOL
Yes, I relate to that. Over my time in the program I experienced that the things you mentioned being upset over (child sick, marital issues...)...Those were just "life" things and thing everyone goes through. I stopped freaking out over them but I needed to go through them sober a couple of times to get a new sober reference for life and to develop better faith in myself and in my HP that I could, indeed, handle any challenge that came my way. This is how I hope and believe it will work for you. You will have challenges in life, but they wont seem like your life is crappy because of them. You will get better at dealing with them and be, overall, more focused on the positive.
Glad you are here with us!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Most meetings have a chip system, where you get a chip at 30, 60 and 90 days of sobriety, then at 6 months and 9 months, and then a year. Many think its to recognize the length of time someone has put together, but really its at these stages that we need to re-commit to our recovery and sobriety efforts. We can become pretty squarrlly at these intervels in this journey.
Thank You John, ... I've never heard it put that way before ... I'm definitely copying this and using it the next time I give out chips ... Love it ... the time periods are as much of a 're-commitment' as they are an accomplishment ... Great stuff ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm coming up on 90 days and really struggling. I'm having a lot of urges to drink and am on an emotional roller coaster. I'm hitting as meetings as I can, I have a sponsor w/ 27 years sobriety and just tonight i joined a homegroup. I'm also reading my big book and Daily Reflections. I know this is suppossed to get better but I hate it! My emotions are really raw right now and I'm in that terrible place where I don't want to drink but I don't want to feel this either. My head is a mess, it's almost as though I am trying to sabotage what's good in my life. I have been calling my sponsor daily to use him as a sounding board for what I'm thinking as I just cannot trust myself right. My marriage is a mess and I'm not sure it's salvagable, my son is sick and I feel helpless. I've really created a lot of wreakage in the wake of my drinking. I'm slowly coming to terms with an HP. I am getting into the habit of praying throughout the day. My prayers go something like "Higher Power, help me!!!". I can't sleep right now so here I am on the computer dumping out these emotions, sorry. I hope you folks are having a better night than i am. I plan to just keep coming back. I know this stinking thinking will get better over time but for now it's damn near unbearable. I'm not hopeless, just new, I guess. Can anyone relate?
Welcome Mike, It sounds like you are the real deal. If that's the case and you are like me, beyond human aid, I have a question for you:
Where, in your plan of action, are the steps? None of the things you have written about above will bring long term recovery in my experience. Our book tells us to get out of that awful place you are in, we need a spiritual experience... "you may have an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer". There is only one place to get that, as "the" result of the steps.
I don't agree with the others that you are where you are supposed to be. In my experience the HP we find is not a vengeful type. Where you are is a spot that many of us land in, suffering from untreated alcoholism. Meetings and sponsors on their own don't treat alcoholism. We must take those steps in order to recover. If it could be done a different way, we would have found it by now, we have tried everything else. As one of our members often quotes," it is not the change that's painful, it is the resistance to change."
Or as another wise man put it "Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth".
I well remember my 90 day milestone. I was part way through step 9 when it happened.. to me the whole world seemed to change, but I was seeing it through different eyes. The obsession was lifted and has never returned. When you read the book and archive material, there are an awful lot of instances of spiritual experience around step 9, including Bill, Bob and Bill D (AA number 3). In other words, even our founders did the work first and recovery followed. But I haven't seen any evidence where real alcoholics have recovered first, and done the work later, barring of course that very small percentage of "vital spititual experiences" that Jung talked about.
Thank you everyone for your ESH. I'm still sober but my head is still messed up. I appreciate the experience that I am where I should be. In terms of my HP I pray and turn things over as best that I can right now. 2 minutes later my obsessive brain takes it right back-but I try to turn the things I am powerless over right back to HP. I'm currently working the 3rd step. I am definately powerless over alcohol, my life unmanageable at best. I believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity, although I wish said power would hurry the hell up! :) Seriously I know I am beyond human aid and if a power greater than myself caused my insanity (alcoholism) then why can't there be something greater to restore me? Currently I am trying to remember to say the third step prayer every morning, which happens about 50% of the time. The other times I say it when I remember. Things are coming along and getting better. Im just trying to remember that it's not going to happen in my time. Most of the day I am ok with that but not always.
I will shit share a funny story with you though. I've taken to calling my sponsor during my lunnch break. This helps me to keep in contact with an AA during my work day and I'm always up for a conversation with John. John is a midseventies yo man originally from West Virginia. And he will tell you he's a hillbilly, he's got a great sense of humor about life. He is also confined to a wheelchair these days because he has a degenerative disease that is slowly taking his motor skills away. He tells me this is a direct result of his alcoholism. He can't drive anymore and lives in assisted living but the man smiles constantly. Anyways yesterday I was having a particularly bad day and I gave him a call right at noon. We talked, or should I say I whined and he listened:) for over an hour! I had left work made it home ate my lunch went back to work and still had a couple minutes before we finally hung up. Now when I did finally let him go I fumbled with my hands unit so I could still hear him after we said our goodbyes. As he was putting his phone down I heard him say out loud "Oh man, were on the phone a whole hour!" I guess I had more to share than I thought! Yes God bless the old timers.
Mike, Here's another way of looking at it. The third step is but a decision. Having agreed in the second to accept spritual help, the decision is about what action to take. So we decide we will take the rest of the steps.
" Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four."
"Little permanent effect" Isn't that what you are describing, going back again and again but finding only a temporary effect?
The action of step three is step four. Starting the forth is when you truly know you have taken the step 3 decision.
Aloha Mike...you're doing great and using a sponsor as a sounding board was how I was taught to do it also. Best thing I ever did cause I was blessed with some pretty awesome sponsors. You're a newbie alright and won't be forever. Easy does it...One day at a time...Don't drink and don't think...call your sponsor. ((hugs))
Thanks everyone. Things are getting a little easier. Marriage is still on the rocks but I don't have to drink over it. I know it won't help the situation. I have confidence now that HP's will not mine will prevail. There is kind of a quiet solace in knowing that my family and I will be taken care of regardless of the outcome or because of it. It's hard waiting for the outcome but I guess it's a patience game now. Nothing I can do to force the situation anymore. My will ruins things.
