I have 4 months of sobriety. I first got sober in 2009 and went back out but now I am back with a great sponsor and working a good program. At my home group I have some friends who I have known since I got sober the first time. One of these friends (Sally) is going through a really tough time personally with her marriage, job, etc. On several occasions she has not had enough money to pay a bill or get groceries. I have given her money both times. She has not asked me. I have just given it to her and of course she is always grateful. It looks like she and her husband may be divorcing and she may need a place to stay for awhile. I own a 4 bedroom house and my 23 year old daughter is living with me. I am wondering if I should offer this friend a place to stay if she needs it. Is that going too far? I want to help but yet I'm not sure how involved to get. I haven't talked to my sponsor about this because she is also very good friends with Sally. Or do I just mind my own business and just concentrate on myself?
WOW ... ... ... This does pop up every now and then ... the situation you describe I mean ...
1st Priority is you staying sober ... YOU must put everything you got into working the steps and learning to live the principles of AA ...
What you've heard is true of 'relationships' for the first year ... they are not recommended ... NOW, I don't know that you can call this a 'relationship' and you are going to get some comments after mine here, that will probably serve you well to listen to ... I don't know what responsibilities your 23 y/o daughter has about keeping up with the house expenses, but it would make sense to discuss this 'at length' with her before making a decision to offer Sally a home ... and for sure I would stipulate that it is only temporary ... maybe later it works out to be great and on a more permanent basis, but for now? ... trial basis only ... IF your daughter agrees ...
I am interested in what the group here has to say also ...
Tread carefully here, you don't want a long term commitment you can't handle right now ... If Sally is in the middle of a divorce, then she could be 'emotionally unstable' too ... the two of you together could be a very bad combination for trying to stay sober ... talk to some 'elder' women and perhaps men in your home group and ask them some specific 'what if' and 'what would you do' questions ...
You did the right thing by asking about this first before jumping in without a 'life preserver' ...
Love you Rebecca and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have 3 rules (or boundaries). Did they ask? You can't want it more than they do. and I won't do for them what they could, should be doing for themselves.
Hi Rebecca, There is a passage in the big book that might help. From memory it goes something like this " It is not the matter of giving that is in question but when and how to give. The minute we put our work on a service plane the alcoholic commences to rely on us instead of God."
In other words, if we solve every little problem for them, we can get between them and their Higher Power and ultimately reduce their chances of long term recovery. A wise man once said "pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth".
By contrast I just spent a full day at an area assembly helping set up, washing cups, and cleaning up. I didn',t get much chance to sit in the meetings but I left feeling totally fulfilled. Service like this helps carry the message and is tremendously rewarding spiritually.
I feel that you need to ask yourself, am I trying to help this person or am I trying to save them. Am I being a freimd in recovery or am I going a bit overboard to atone for things I've done in the past. We all need to be responsible for our own lives good and bad. If people had done everything for me 24 years ago I probably wouldn't have stayed sober because everyone else was taking care of my lifes problems and my growth in recovery would have been stunted. I guess the bottom line is that this is a question only you can answer. Sometimes the help we think we are giving causes more harm then good.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
Sounds like you are paying a lot of attention to her at the cost of yourself. You are anticipating her having problems in the future that are not even in her 24 hour path let alone yours. Yes - it is good ot have sober friends and to be there for them BUT - if they are new, there is a good likelihood they will go out and drag you with them. Also, there are a few folks in AA that are still playing games trying to find enablers. I have had to cut off those folks that think I am a taxi service or the bank of Pinkchip. That is not how I help others. SERVICE is helping others. That means chair meetings, make coffee, help with fundraisers at the alano club/clubhouse or whatever... It doesn't mean open up your safe haven to drama that will detract from your serenity and your program. Also, why not share it with your sponsor? Who cares if they know each other? Save your own butt first. If there is something you don't share with your sponsor, the more likely reason is that you know you shouldn't be doing it. You should be able to trust your sponsor.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Just my opinion- it sounds risky. How sober is she? My understanding is that when the hand of AA reaches out, I have a responsibility to be there if I am able. I've been where you are, extra bedroom, friend in the program who is needing a place to stay. Every time I asked my sponsor about offering a room the answer was an emphatic NOOOOO.
Thanks everyone. I did a lot of praying about thist last night and talking to my HP. My sobriety comes first. I agree it is far too risky. My services can be better utilized by going to visit detox centers with my sponsor and working at the club. I am so glad this board is here. Thanks again.
