I've been sick in bed with my computer, my remote, my books and my bottle of advil by my side.

I've gone through the sweats a few times, and they really reminded me of the sweats I had quite often through the night in my drinking life. 

I have the sore throat that feels like barbwire stapled to your uvula after a night of heavy drinking which always resulted in heavy snoring for me... my husband says the lack of snoring is the best part with a poke and a smile. 

Cotton mouth, weak and achy muscles, dizzy, drained... it occurred to me that I was dealing with these symptoms ALL THE TIME and WOW - it's draining and really hard on the body!  My body is screaming for me to give it rest and care and nutritious morsels of this and that... and I am listening.  During the days of my disease - I'd buck up, put my head down and barrel through life... cleaning things vigorously, making sure the house was neat, the supper was perfect, the kids were at all there events... running and chasing after them with the biggest smile and clammiest skin in the crowd...

This also reminds me of the final days... when I did nothing more than lay around.  I know full well today that I'm feeling isolated, lonely, stir crazy, irritable for sunshine and NEED TO GET BETTER AND GET OUT OF HERE!  My kids were sick the days prior to me.  I've done nothing but be sick and take care of other sick people for a week, and I'm ready to RUN a MARATHON or something!  I could see taking a trip around the world maybe otherwise if that didn't work out.

I need out, and it is a GIFT to be able to know that... and act upon it.

And when my disease took me to this place for WEEKS on end... I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed I wanted to die. 

The ONLY breaks I took from this exact way of life that is DRIVING ME CRAZY was to the gas station... and then the drunk.  I actually remember thinking that too... that drinking was my break... I deserved a break.

I wouldn't allow my kids to go to a sitter... what if the sitter was crazy like me?  I couldn't trust anyone because I couldn't trust myself.  It was a vicious circle.

Being forced into recovery by my husband, forced me to trust others with my kids.  To take breaks - DAILY for 90 days - and now I get the very best break in the world usually 3 or 4 times per week.

I haven't been to any meetings this week.  I have been living on the board and in my big book - but only because there are 17 hours to kill in the day.  I can only do so much online shopping, and I can only stand about 10 episodes of the office from 06 per day LOLOLOL.  My eyes were all buggy and I couldn't do much reading.  Mostly just lay flat like a snow angel and drool and groan.

Tonight is the annual banquet.  My husband has been exquisitely trying to get me healthy for it.  I didn't go last year because I was in my relapse and working up to the grounds for divorce and loss of children.  He's been in recovery about 5 months now I think.  He loves all these potlucks and speakers and banquets and things to do... he is the one who has kind of pushed me more into that.  Pretty nice to have an insider for a husband I'll tell ya that much.

I've had it good this week.  Last year at this time I was back to hanging out in the laundry room swiggin wine like a pretty pig, and my life was small.  This year I don't spend much time in the laundry room... my husband is surprised to find out that I actually do NOT like doing laundry... and I never iron anymore... LOL 

There are millions of rooms to my home now... and knowing you're sitting here with me at the end of this letter home adds one more... welcome home if you're new or if you've been here for a while... thanks.