Basically met someone in the rooms of A.A. after coming off a hospitalization visit. Me this person and truly fell in love with her very fast. After almost 2 months of sobriety I relapsed. Really want to tell her, but feel that I might loose her because of it. It could happen several ways, tell her and be honest and lose her, not tell her have her find out over time and lose her. Or tell her and she will be accepting that I told her the truth.
Really struggling with this because she means so much to me, and has truly kept me sober for those almost 2 months. Feel that if I loose her it could be worse off for me.
My sugestion is when you let the cat out of the bag, show her this thread you've posted.Let her see evidence of effort. Let her know that you're working with other alcoholics.
-- Edited by AlcoHater on Wednesday 20th of February 2013 08:18:30 PM
-- Edited by AlcoHater on Wednesday 20th of February 2013 08:19:44 PM
I am in the same circle of understanding as Bob...Sobriety isn't just not drinking...it includes sanity (2nd step) and serenity (the rest of the program). Honesty isn't predicated on the reactions of others. Honesty is predicated by my relationship with God. I loose God I loose everything. She should not be your higher power...she ain't got the strength or moxie...she is also another alcoholic...powerless over alcohol/ic/ism which if she looses sight of that first part of step 1 with result in her life becoming unmanageable. Should her sobriety be foremost in her life she will have no problem getting over you which is what you should be doing also. You relapsed...by yourself, on your own, with the same mind you had 2 months and 1 day ago...continue on with your recovery. You can if you check your tool box and see willingness and rigorous honesty still there. In support of both you and her...Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
This was the dating advice I got when I first got in the program. Get a plant. If the plant is alive after 1 year, get a pet. If the pet is alive after 1 year, then you can date.
Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking....WE are responsible for our own recoveries......And WE remember we suffer from an incurable illness,one of body ,mind and spirit.. Relapse is usually a reverse of losing our spirit leading to the renewed insanity followed by picking up. If you did not pick up today,you can work toward restoring your sanity(the internal or better seen as emotional volatility unmanageability and external that is seen by all arrests,job losses,family problems etc)and renewing your spirit the other part of filling the void of our 1st Step,the restoration seen as changing to the point that our addiction addiction and its accomanying insanity are not controlling our lives.And to complete the foundation making the "decision" to allow whatever Higher Power you have in your life to take your will and your lives(I see this as many parts of our lives as parents,childen,sons,daughters,friends,employees,employers etc)in the care of. You can decide if Honesty and your sobriety guided by that Power is of utmost importance?.. WE make a decision and leave the results,with Faith, to that Power greater than us.. Thanks for sharing ,its how we get help.......
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
When I thought losing my husband would be the end of my life, I realized that I didn't give a flying crap about him!
Why? Because all I cared about was ME and how I was going to feel. Not about how he was feeling at all. When I realized I loved him enough to say... if you need to go, I will help you any way I can... was when I realized I truly loved this man enough to let him go. It wasn't all about me, it was about HIS feelings, HIS life... not just mine. That meant, I better be ready and in a good place, and I can only get to a good place with the help of AA -the steps which lead me to a HP and a spiritual awakening... now I can truly love someone... I can feel love back (from a HP) and that is the most important thing in my life. My family only gets REAL love from me, when I'm in touch with the love from my HP. If that doesn't make sense, or sounds like a load of crap as it did to me when I got here... great... you're exactly where you're suppose to be... on your way to becoming willing to try anything and turn your life over to the care of a Higher power you do not understand! Welcome BACK!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome to MIP Alcoholic84 ... ... ... glad you found us ...
You'll not be too happy with I recommend ... For years, I've heard it suggested to not get in a relationship at all for at least a year ... I used to not understand, but now, I've been around long enough to see what happens ...
Ya see?, ... when we come to AA, we're not in very good shape, physically nor mentally ... we are morally and spiritually bankrupt and have a lot of repairing to do ... because of this situation, we learn we must put our sobriety first above all else, even our spouses ... if the current relationship survives, then more power to them ... but we don't suggest the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a new relationship nor a change in our current relationship ... it's usually turns out to be too much of an 'uphill' battle if we do this, especially in the first year of recovery ...
Total Honesty is required here ... you can build nothing worth holding onto when it is based on or starts off with dishonesty ... I think I'm safe in saying that most of us relapse at least once ... she may or may not have, but she should know all about our struggles to remain sober through this period of recovery ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Your AA lady has no business getting involved with you so early in your sobriety, before you have even had a chance to find your feet. A similar thing happened to me but, by God's grace, I had my priorities straight and didn't end up drunk.
Here's the thing to remember: If you are an alcoholic of my type, you are beyond human aid and that means that no human, even your AA gal, has the power to keep you sober. Your sobriety depends upon your relationship with your higher power who, BTW, you haven't had time to tune into yet.
The book puts it this way :
"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. '
Get on the spiritual path first and then you can try all the things, including relationships, that life has to offer and if you make a mistake you won't have to drink over it.
For myself, I had a dramatic bust up with the 13 step "girl of my dreams". What a lucky escape. I am so glad I didn't settle for second best.
This was the dating advice I got when I first got in the program. Get a plant. If the plant is alive after 1 year, get a pet. If the pet is alive after 1 year, then you can date.
Lol. Getting past #1 is going to be a struggle for me. Looks like it's the single life for me then. Ha.
But 2 months is too short. Too much is going on and too many changes are happening. Sobriety needs to be the #1 thing in all matters, and at 2 months I don't see how you can have the tools to do that.
Romance and Finance...Those two things screw up more early recovery than anything else. There is a reason for the suggestion of no relationships the first year...And your story is it. We work on ourselves first...As far as honesty goes...This program doesn't work without it....
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
You met this woman while hospitalized? I assume both of you were at that time. So, in my almighty opinion, in the absince of a strong recovery program, with some time under your belts, and without a Higher Power that doesn't wear clothes...
You and her are not going to be much more than two fleas without a dog, and you will suck the life out of each other instead.
She kept you sober for two months? Red flag! If you are powerless over your own diease, she surely is, and if she is powerless over her own diease, she is surely powerless over yours!
I got to admit I felt very blessed, as though God just shined his ever loving light on me when I got a girlfriend in early recovery. Instead we both ended up going through hell.
Get a sponsor, go to meetings... maybe even bring up the topic of early recovery relationships... and listen to what is said.
Agreed Dean - but it makes me and the rest of us think. I never want to be that selfish again where I use people and keep them hostage like I used to use alcohol. Get healthy. Work a program. Then you might have something to offer another person. Prior to that, people are generally just used as pawns by alcoholics and folks super early on in recovery.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Definately not a one post wonder there Dean. But this isnt my first rodeo, and definately not my first attempt at recovery. Up until some things that happened in my life as of last September i had been completely abstinanse from alcohol for over a year. Coming out of a treatment program. I'm 28 years old and was at a meeting over 10 years ago now. Just was wanting some constructive critism from other alcoholics on a dilhema i was having.
Alcoholic84 my comments weren't critical just that I didn't expect you to return to the thread, and hey you may not have if unprovoked.
You've got to focus on yourself for a year or two. I stayed single for for the first 3.5 years and went to a meeting every day during that period.
It paid off. I stayed sober a couple of decades and have been happily married 16 of those years. Now are you going to take some suggestions or are you just looking for validation for what You want to do about this situation?
Despite what I said - I have to add that I got into a relationship with 2 months sober and nobody could tell me otherwise. It didn't make me drink, but I did use the other person and I didn't know I was doing it. I understand now why we say don't get involved in relationships in early sobriety - but at the time, I justified it. Similarly here....Alcoholic84, just be careful about selling yourself and others BS. It doesn't matter if you have been in the rooms for a long time or had sobriety before. You are humbly starting over at this point....focusing on fixing you and not manipulating others. Hence, recovery and honesty are paramount.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
