This day I got to know my Angel.  I got to ride with a lady my age(ish) who just spent the past 8.5 yrs in prison for things no worse than I have done.  She commented "this is a nice car" and I noticed that she noticed that cars have gotten smart... I felt very stupid for a moment, then I noticed she had the same nail color on as I did... a color I found in an old purse from a decade ago... blood.

"How could I take all you've done for me for granted?" I asked my Angel.  "How could I take these things I have for granted so easily?"  "I'm sorry."  I whispered with my head down.  Then the lady sitting next to me threw her arms up in the air and we hugged... she gave me a hug, and for a moment my Angel was a real live breathing woman sitting next to me in the car.

It was around a decade ago that I wrapped my car around a stop and go light completely knocking it over and rerouting traffic... and 'came to' getting asked to step out of the car, only to be hauled off to jail... but only for the night.  I don't have any recollection of the accident at all, I heard the buzz about it at work the next morning... but I didn't know I was the one who did it.  "Really?  Someone did that??"  I said, when Cindy popped into my office to tell me about how she was almost late because of the road being closed and detoured, offering me a cup of coffee which I gulped down in 2 slurps, dribbling a tad on my white eyelet 'good girl' sweater.  I wondered if it was obvious that I hadn't slept a wink.  I remember at the court hearing my attorney's words in my defense were "Your honor, she isn't the type we would send behind bars... just look at her."  And I held my head up high, and I looked sharp as a tack, and as beautiful as they come, and he slammed the gabble down and said:  20 days is the law. 

I didn't cry, because I didn't feel remorse.

I was in a black out apparently when the accident happened, and I don't remember anything else from that night after the first bar until the cops came, and I knew I was screwed and drunk, and then jail. 

The thing was, I had gone to an AA meeting at some point around that time.  My mother took me.  I was around 23, and there was absolutely NO WAY my ears or eyes could see anything that night at the church for my first meeting ever.  I was so "not there" that I completely forgot I ever did that meeting until recently.  When I went to my first meeting here last year, I raised my hand when they asked if there were any newcomers, and I believed it was my first meeting ever.  When I came here to MIP, I believed I knew nothing of AA - yet I had the 1 hour complete tour.  It's like it was someone else's life.  I 13th stepped a young guy (I didn't know it was called anything at the time, because I couldn't tell the difference between a bar and an aa meeting) convinced him to let me live with him later on, so I didn't have to live with my parents... and then screwed him over for another guy... a mechanic who I knew would fix up my smashed up red hot rod that was the sole reason I kept getting into trouble... it wasn't alcoholism... the cops had my cherry red car pegged... you know how they are! 

My Angel still stayed by my side through all of that horror.  She didn't turn her back on me when I was emotionless, heartless, manipulative and using people.  She waited years for me to whisper those first words to her, and without a moments thought, she gave me the biggest warmest loving hug ever.  It reminded me of the hug that I give my children when they finally give in and just let me love them when they are hurting and trying to 'be strong'. 

That night a little over a decade ago, I was sitting in the cell, singing amazing grace in the great acoustics, trying to pretend like I was just young and this is just unfortunate.  "I'm just unlucky" I groaned.  Never mind that in that year, I had already gotten a previous drunk driving ticket, had been to the hospital on my death bead from detoxing while fighting off a septic infection, and had not worked other than as a drunk bartender. 

My life prior to that year looked pretty normal.  I was in college, I had great jobs.  I would get promoted in my jobs, I had friends and they all loved to party like me.  I paid my rent, had a nice car, a nice apartment... a nice boyfriend...

Then he blew his head off, and blamed me. 

I didn't drink for 6 months because I was a zombie with PTSD. 

Then I did drink, and I was a zombie with PTSD and full blown alcoholism within 2 months.

My angel watched and waited and protected me from seeing any blood until the blood red nail polish of today... and more was revealed...