I am new here, and I'm struggling to relate with some of the stories I read. I sometimes wonder if I am an alcoholic or not. But I VERY much relate to a lot of the struggles and feelings that accompany the steps and stories. I know that most people say that you are an alcoholic if you call yourself one but I am just not sure.
I have never been someone who drinks every day. When I was unemployed I came pretty close out of boredom. Now I work nights and do not drink at all during the work week. I don't think about it all too much but very much look forward to the weekends. I tell myself I will just go out one night but often go out both despite this. I drink to get drunk for sure 90% of the time, and sometimes find myself ordering shots at the end of the night because I want to be more drunk. I don't black out, but sometimes have a fuzzy or skewed memory of what happens. And lately something bad always happens. I get angry and upset at someone. I overreact. Someone else flips out on me. SOMETHING bad. Emotionally. I don't get injured or drive drunk or spend all my money, I just feel horrible. Even when it's been a good night I usually go home feeling down and depressed. And the next morning I always feel depressed and down. Then my weekend is over, I feel like I wasted it, and go back to my workweek and all seems well.
I think i have a problem because this is NOT the life I wanted. I don't want my weekends revolving around alcohol. I feel like I could be so much more awesome and productive, but my weekends revolve around hanging out at the bar with my friends. I almost feel like there is no other way to have fun anymore.
My mom is an alcoholic. I grew up having the Serenty Prayer memorized at 6. I am no stranger to all this. But somehow I feel like I don't quite belong. Everyone else seems to have these stories of hitting bottom. They seem more extreme than me. As someone who grew up around it, I have a lot of respect for AA and take it seriously. I have a few friends in it and would feel weird going to meetings when I don't feel like I am quite one. Or am I? I guess maybe saying I want to stop and not is a sign that I am?
What is your definition of alcoholic? When did you know you were one? And is there any others out there that have stories more like mine?
I'm wondering if I am just on my way towards that and trying to get help now may be in my best interest. I have been reading the books and attending online chat meetings for a few days and have gained a lot from them, but I feel it more on an emotional level than to do with alcohol. I dunno. Any input here would be greatly appreciated, I would love some clarity.
I actually felt the same way. For myself there was no huge rock bottom, just myself becoming concerned about the regularity and compulsion around my drinking. There were quite a few scary episodes where I put myself in danger and also some embarassing ones. Really I don't wish to do that to myself anymore and haven't for about 3 1/2 yrs now. It doesn't interest me too. There are days where the urge really hits so it's still there. It's just now I don't do it.
But somehow I feel like I don't quite belong. Everyone else seems to have these stories of hitting bottom. They seem more extreme than me.
Would it make you happier if you did fall further down the ladder? Bottom is just the place where you stop digging, y'know. If you think you have to dig away for a couple more years then I guess that's what you have to do, but I doubt it'll be a fun time.
I knew for a long, long time before I came to AA. Simply I couldn't guarantee how much I'd drink or what I'd be like once I had a drink. And I was always miserable. I was pretty serious though. If you knew me when you would have known I had a serious problem. My bottom was only an inch or two above a graveyard IMO.
Anyway cut and paste this into the browser bar and have a look. Maybe it'll help you.
I am not saying I need to hit bottom. I do not wish to hit bottom. That is why I am here. No one around me has said I have a serious problem... and I don't think that I'm near there. Yet. But I don't like what my life is like/ where it's going when I do drink.
I have looked at those questions before and about half of them I answered yes, so I guess that's telling me something.
But I guess I knew that or else I wouldn't be on here.
I just wanted to start somewhere and see if there were other people out there that had similar experiences to me that joined AA. Most of the stories I hear from people in AA are not like mine. I thought maybe hearing from others that were successful in AA with a similar history may help me to feel more comfortable with it, rather than someone who doesn't belong.
I actually felt the same way. For myself there was no huge rock bottom, just myself becoming concerned about the regularity and compulsion around my drinking. There were quite a few scary episodes where I put myself in danger and also some embarassing ones. Really I don't wish to do that to myself anymore and haven't for about 3 1/2 yrs now. It doesn't interest me too. There are days where the urge really hits so it's still there. It's just now I don't do it.
Tracey
Thank you Tracey. Glad to know I'm not alone in this.
I recommend reading the Big Book of AA....You can get it free online....Or better yet...Maybe attend an open meeting and see about getting one there. I think I honestly knew I was an alcoholic by the age of 16....I denied that for about 35 years....It cost me dearly. The Big Book describes it like this....I fit that description....And a spiritual solution is the only thing that worked for me. Welcome to MIP.
In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
We all go through the phase you're in... so i would say i do relate... just wasn't aware enough to get help at that point. I think if nothing else you can do alanon... but aa is better lol. Jk
Welcome to the board. No shame in trying to be a better you in aa. Its not a death sentence to go to aa... for most we find its when we truly started living.
Not everyone had an under the bridge bottom. I showed up with family in tact. Bills paid. A home and a lake home. A brand new car. Steady jobs.
My bottom was on the inside... and i was sick and tired of having no meaning in life other than the next drunk.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I am not saying I need to hit bottom. I do not wish to hit bottom. That is why I am here. No one around me has said I have a serious problem... and I don't think that I'm near there. Yet. But I don't like what my life is like/ where it's going when I do drink.
I have looked at those questions before and about half of them I answered yes, so I guess that's telling me something.
But I guess I knew that or else I wouldn't be on here.
I just wanted to start somewhere and see if there were other people out there that had similar experiences to me that joined AA. Most of the stories I hear from people in AA are not like mine. I thought maybe hearing from others that were successful in AA with a similar history may help me to feel more comfortable with it, rather than someone who doesn't belong.
Thank you for your input.
I pretty much figured that. I wasn't saying it to be mean. I was saying it because it's how the world works for people like us (if that's what you are). I reckon that over 15 years hard drinking I maybe had 10 times where I had a good, hard look at myself and knew that things were badly out of whack, and I really needed to do something about my drinking or it would destroy me. But in nine of those times I couldn't muster the focus to really do something and I slipped back into that strange world of denial I was in. The tenth time I did do something but it cost me every good thing I had in my life first. I guess I was just telling it the way I wished someone had have told me way back when (not that I would have listened - it's hard to hear when you've got your head jammed firmly up your own bum).
Wow Frodo - in all my time and troubles and REALLY HUGE consequences... I never ever took a really hard look at myself! I was always just young and having fun! I knew long ago that once I took the first drink I wanted more and was out to get drunk and drunker and drunkest... but I never ever once thought I should get help! As I look back on it now... people were trying to tell me I drank too much all the time when I was young, but I just stopped hanging out with them then! I never once looked at myself. It LOVED drinking, and I had to have more... no I was quite sure of what I was, I'm sure if I would have stopped for a moment to take a hard look, there would be no way to not see it, so I suppose I never did it because of that.
Man I do not miss those days. Spirit - I think I have misled you into thinking my drinking was not all that bad. While I did go through a phase of just drinking on weekends - It was wild, and just like you, when I was not working, I was drinking, so when I was not working a lot - things got really out of control! I only had all that stuff in the end because I had stopped drinking for a while and got married and had kids... but that doesn't cure alcoholism either. I could stop, but never stay stopped forever.
Now I just stay stopped for today - OH MY GOD THANK YOU GOD I AM STOPPED TODAY!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hello Spiritgirl. It might help to understand what a "Occasional drinker" is along with a "regular drinker" and a "Problem drinker" so that you can see if you fit in one of those categories. An occasional drinker drinks one or two drinks 3 or 4 times a year on occasions such as new years or a wedding. That person never gives drinking another thought thoughout the rest of the year. A "regular drinker" has 1 or 3 drinks several nights a week or perhaps just on weekends, like while watching football. This person never thinks about drinking on those days that you usually don't drink. A "problem drinker" is someone who doesn't drink neccessarally often, but sometimes has issues associated with alcohol. This person usually is in with a group or crowd that drinks a lot when they get together. This person can walk away from alcohol and usually does once he/she figures out (or is told) that they can't handle drinking more than a couple. Remove the alcohol and the problem goes away. This person, once they separate themselves from drinking heavy and/or the group they were involved in, doesn't think about drinking. Now the alcoholic thinks about drinking most of the time. They may not drink everyday. Binge drinkers can go extended periods of time. But once we begin to drink, there is no telling when we'll stop of what might happen. There's many common denominators like dysfunctional behavior, relationship problems, negative feelings (shame, guilt, anger, remorse...) self esteem issues, and an over all feeling of impending doom, or that we don't belong, don't fit in, and that people look down on us. hope this helps.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 13th of February 2013 05:06:07 PM
when i got into AA i was at the point of desperation: if i took another drink was was gonna kill myself. i was listening to a lot of the drinkin thing and thought for sure that if the people at them meeting heard my drinking story they would say i hadnt drank enough yet. then i started listening to the thinking thing. i was amazed. that one that lived under a bridge? the one who was a closet drinker? the one who started drinking at 9 years old? the one who had a glass of whiskey on his nite stand so he had a drink once he woke up? the one that only had 6 blackouts in his entore drinking time and only drank wine with dinner? they all had the same thinking as me. so what i leanred is the amount of alcohol consumed wasnt what was important. it was the thinking that led to drinking that was. i was just like them. i found a great solution and my home.
Welcome! Just remember the 3rd tradition, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I can only tell you what has worked for me... I understand what you mean about the stories. Some are very relatable, and some not so much. Not that those stories are not of value, but it is hard for me, to relate to some of the more hardcore, lost everything, went to prison stories. I'm a mom, I'm an attractive woman with good degrees & I come from a family of means. That sounds self important of me, but the reason I say it is because it means I could have gone on and on and on and on with my drinking for a very longgggg time. I could always find a job, I could always bail myself out, hire a lawyer, etc, etc, and cover my tracks. Great! How wonderful for me! UGH.
When I was drinking against my will, I knew it was time to reach out for some real help. I can't fully explain what "drinking against my will" looks like, but you know it when you see it. When that became my life, I had to summon a lot of strength and put my hand out & get myself to a meeting.
I heard at the beginning of this journey that some of us are ready when we get to the rooms, and some of us get to the rooms to get ready to be sober. In my quest to do more "research" I found the bad bottoms and jackpots that I didn't have when I first came to the program. Now I understand that there's another bottom out there for me somewhere: at jail, an institution, or at a morgue- and I won't get to be the one to pick where that bottom takes me. No thanks.
I went through that phase of drinking like you describe. Binge drinking weekend warrior basically. Only when my life started sucking, I drank to try and make it better. So during break ups, if I lost a job...whatever....I drank even more. You have described that pattern, so a rock bottom is in the making if you do not change.
Alcohol is addictive. You can only get wasted so many times before it starts grabbing hold of you. You describe some level of insanity and unmanageability already which comes in the form of looking forward to alcohol surrounded activities that you don't really enjoy, that don't have spiritual meaning, that you feel empty afterwards and that you are wasting your time.
I felt all that in my 20s and it just got worse until I hit my mid 30s and finally went to AA. Working all week and partying all weekend is pretty boring. It gets old and that's why people settle down. What are you partying for? What's the party? There is no party. You are just getting wasted every weekend for no real reason and have friends doing it to support that it's ok. Not everyone does that. Most folks do not actually. Why not go out and not drink? Go out to dance, talk to people? Why not do that? Are you going out for the people or the alcohol? For me, I only realized I was going out for the alcohol in retrospect and my "friends" were really just in the background.
Nobody really told me I had that much of a problem until it was so out of control. Prior to that, people laughed and made comments "You are so wasted! Hahahahah!" Like it was cool or funny. The warning signs were there. I was always more drunk than my friends and I was always the one that couldn't stop once started.
I can't tell you if you are alcoholic or not. I don't think my sobriety would have gotten off the ground if I didn't feel that so 100 percent certain on my own so I know that's something that has to occur for you. Prayers are with you!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I just wanted to start somewhere and see if there were other people out there that had similar experiences to me that joined AA. Most of the stories I hear from people in AA are not like mine. I thought maybe hearing from others that were successful in AA with a similar history may help me to feel more comfortable with it, rather than someone who doesn't belong.
I was given some very good advice when I started in AA...And that was to try and identify....And not compare....Basically to look for similarities and not differences. Along with going to 90 meetings in 90 days....Getting a sponsor to guide me through this....And putting in the effort to work this program...I haven't had to pick up a drink in almost 20 months...I've been given a second life....And I'm going to keep it. Why not try 90 meetings in 90 days?...identify and not compare...It won't cost you anything...And you might learn something...You say you don't like what your life is like when you drink....That would be enough reason for me.
I know that most people say that you are an alcoholic if you call yourself one but I am just not sure.
I have never been someone who drinks every day. When I was unemployed I came pretty close out of boredom. Now I work nights and do not drink at all during the work week. I don't think about it all too much but very much look forward to the weekends. I tell myself I will just go out one night but often go out both despite this. I drink to get drunk for sure 90% of the time, and sometimes find myself ordering shots at the end of the night because I want to be more drunk. I don't black out, but sometimes have a fuzzy or skewed memory of what happens. And lately something bad always happens. I get angry and upset at someone. I overreact. Someone else flips out on me. SOMETHING bad. Emotionally. I don't get injured or drive drunk or spend all my money, I just feel horrible. Even when it's been a good night I usually go home feeling down and depressed. And the next morning I always feel depressed and down. Then my weekend is over, I feel like I wasted it, and go back to my workweek and all seems well.
I think i have a problem because this is NOT the life I wanted. I don't want my weekends revolving around alcohol. I feel like I could be so much more awesome and productive, but my weekends revolve around hanging out at the bar with my friends. I almost feel like there is no other way to have fun anymore.
The answer to your delimma is easy ... change your weekend routine ... do something, anything that you enjoy on the weekend, just don't drink ... if you can't do that, then you have a problem ... IF you REQUIRE alcohol to be happy, then you belong in the AA program for sure ...
I think 'tomsteve' is 'right on the money' with his comment about his problem being the way he was 'thinking' ... that that always lead him to his problem ...
AA is the solution I sought after ... here, the principles taught me a different way to think ... and that made sobriety a happy and fun place to be ... if it didn't do that, I'd be drunk or dead right this minute ... ... ...
You may not exhibit the lack of control while drinking that a lot of us have, BUT, one thing you should NEVER forget ... ALCOHOLISM is a FATAL PROGRESSION, you don't just have a little 'touch-of-it' and then go on ... you will die from it if you don't seek help ... sooner the better ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"No one around me has said I have a serious problem... and I don't think that I'm near there. Yet. But I don't like what my life is like/ where it's going when I do drink."
Aloha spiritus and welcome to the board...Thanks for your courage and humility and for getting the fellowship off of their duffs to come forward to support you. That is what the recovering fellowship of AA does; at least that is what they did for me also.
I am a "double" longer time member of both programs...Al-Anon which is for the family, friends and associates of alcoholics and addicts and AA because I am alcoholic. Al-Anon because I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism which deeply affected my families and was present for me when the key was turned in the lock and opened up the world of the disease for me at the age of 9. My family (parts of them) was and still is to some degree convinced that I am not an alcoholic and some love me sober. Some of my family get angry that I have ceased drinking and others get angry that they are having the same kinds of problems you are in not drinking.
A bottom doesn't mean getting a concussion from the realization that I am alcoholic. I've heard lots of clues and definitions about bottoms both as a program member and as a therapist in rehabilitation. Sometimes the bottom is where you just land and keep walking around in circles trying to come to the realization of your condition. I did that and was 9 years "alcohol free" and in the Al-Anon program because I also marry the women I drink with, before I took that 44 question assessment to finally give me all clues I needed to look at in one period of time. When I did that the second guessing was over. I did take it to the inpatient head nurse to assess the assessment and that was confirmation that I wasn't alone in the awareness that I am alcoholic and have a condition which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. Hmmmm getting over a habit for me is hard and then Wallah!! I discovered that I had already stopped drinking for 9 years while working the "other" program. Al-Anon I doubt would have kept me sober for as long as I have now...it might have kept me from marrying another alcoholic/addict and then my problem was the possiblilty of relapse and that was a concern.
Ours is a progressive, fatal disease...if not arrested by total abstinence it progresses into insanity and death...I mentioned I was a therapist in a substance abuse hospital...I've seen those two conditions become reality against all doubt. I no longer question what happens when a person drinks when they really don't want to or have reason to. I know that alcohol is a mind and mood altering drug/chemical and that only one of the characters of it is being a depressive if you get depressed during and after you drink then that is a sign that it is working. Fuzzy headed and forgetful...it's working. Unable to maintain sober feelings and behaviors...it's working.
Maybe you are not alcoholic for whatever justifications you are using. Maybe you are an alcohol abuser...abuse the use of the chemical and abuse yourself and others at the same time. All the abusers I've ever met who wanted to change that are successful in AA. I wasn't even an abuser I was a "real drinker" as described by family and drinking friends. I never "went down" and outdrank the rest of the group and my skin was a sickly yellowish/green color. So I continued to drink before I didn't anymore and thought the color of my sking was due to my very religious mother having an affair with an oriental which I was the result of. That is one hell of a problem justification and the real answer came after taking up a course of study in college about alcoholism and substance abuse...My body was acting out with abnormal metabolism and I was still alcoholic. It has been suggested to look at the similarities and not the differences between you and others in the program. That for me was the very best suggestion I got because when I finally stopped looking for differences and chose similarities including taking the assessment I went to my first for real AA meeting after being 9 years chemical free. My Higher Power would not let me wander off under my own thinking...I was the last one to know and decide that I was alcoholic and my life was unmanageable and that I need Powers Greater than myself to help me keep my skin from turning back from light tan (my natural shade) to greenish yellow which disappeared 5 years after I stopped drinking. My mother had no affair with an Oriental!!
So the short of it is that I am alcoholic. I have a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body (yellowish and green one). My compulson can only be arrested by total abstinence and can never be cured. It is a progressive disease in that if I were to return to drinking often times it would be worse never better and it is fatal. It affects every cell and organ in my body and will arrive at insanity or death. It also affects everything and one I come into contact with.
Maintaining what I have learned and come to believe since I first stepped into the doors of recovery I have been able on a one day at a time basis to remain alcohol free and more often sober, mind body spirit and emotions. I didn't get here originally for me...I got here because I was married to an Alcoholic/addict who use to say out loud, "I wish I could drink like you". Last time I was shown we were both alcohol free.
Most AA meetings are "open" and you can come in and just sit and listen. We have a woman in my home meetings of AA by the Bay in Hilo Hawaii who continues to do that without identifying as "an" alcoholic. She gets her paper signed and sits and listens. Her only desire is to stop drinking.
Thank you everyone. All your stories and input has definitely helped me. It gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate everyone's openness and support. I think I will keep reading and, like you guys said, look for the similarities. I do see some already, and I am grateful that I get the opportunity to look at this in myself now rather than later.
Welcome Spiritus.....Jeepers I step away from this site, for one lil day...and miss soooo much LOL! Our BB describes alcoholism thus: Physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession.......the physical cannot be changed any more than the color of my eyes.....when I ingest ANY alcohol, what happens??? I NEED... more......like ants in my blood.. the ONLY thing that calms the ants in my blood...is another drink.....I HAD to believe, I WANTED to drink myself to drunkenness...but became open to the possibility, I was doing what I did NOT want to do....HMMMMM....verrrrry trickey stuff....(I need LOTS of help finding the Truth!!!) That physical allergy is called the "Phenomenon of Craving" and STILL scares me! But I havent had a drink/drug for 28 years.....Why do I still need A.A.??? The other 1/2 of alcoholism....What happens BEFORE that first drink....hmmm...our book has a couple labels for it "peculiar mental twist" , "insidous insanity", "strange mental blank spots".....but THIS is the crux.....my fav paragraph in our book.....It is my personal wish that each alcoholic would have this, tatooed (in reverse) on our foreheads...so that first thing, every morning, when we see ourselves in the mirror...we could READ this FIRST THING!!! LOL. :"The alcoholic is UNABLE, at certain times, to bring into their (our) consciousness with sufficient force, the memory of the suffering and humiliation, of a week or a month ago.....we are without defense against the first drink (drug, whatever)!!!!!YIPES!! GASP!!! THAT means it is my DESTINY to drink again....that there is NO "BOTTOM" (till they lock me up or bury me)...It is NOT forgetfulness....It is AMNESIA!!! I have no hints...no clues.....about what is the TRUTH!!!! Experiencing this (with lots of help) most terrifying !!!! In a nutshell....alcoholism means: after the first drink...I must continue to drink....and I MUST pick up the first drink, that starts the whole thing off........How do you spell "DOOMED"????? AHA! But if this is the Truth for you....we have a real solution!!!! Blessings upon you....Love, Lady Eli
TOMSTEVE! AWEEEESOOOME!
