I am sitting here drinking. Knowing I have to stop. Bruises all over my body, blacking out the last few nights. I did really well, and on Christmas Day I tried to track down my mom and her rapist, child beating ex-husband thinking she could still be my mom. I keep reading the serenity prayer, knowing the truth. I am so sad and tired. I want to stop so bad but I feel so very lost.

I wrote her this letter when she gave me her secret email address that she said he couldn't read after she told me she hated me and never wanted to speak to me. He walked out of the room and she said she thought of me everyday, loved me and missed me. I really wish I could accept things and go on.

Mom.

First, I want to apologize for calling you.

It was Christmas, I was alone and got in a sentimental mood. I should have known better.
After all these years, I still keep hoping. I don't really even know what I keep hoping for.

A friend of mine has a mother that's dying. He said it is hard for me to understand since I haven't lost a parent. But sometimes I think it's harder that you are still alive and already gone.

In reality, when I am in my right mind, I know that you are gone.
I know that you have chosen to be with him. But somewhere inside I want to believe that you are forced to be with him.

I can't explain what it feels like to hear his voice. All the rage I try to put away just escapes me. I can't control it. I have never hated anyone like I hate him. I have also never loved anyone the same as I love you.

There was a movie I saw and there was a quote in it - "The worst thing about losing someone you love - is that you feel like you are going to die - but you don't" That's how it feels every time I speak to you. I miss you that much. I feel like I am going to die every time I hang up that phone. But I don't die. I guess I move on. Years pass and I try not to care and then I screw it all up by thinking there are miracles. I should just leave it alone.
If I never see you again, I just want you to know how much I loved you. I think of you all the time. I have a picture of you and Nanny in the living room in a beautiful sterling frame. I think of you on your birthday, Mother's Day and every other holiday.

That is a hard thing to deal with new in sobriety and even harder when you've been drinking.

Right now, it might be a little bit incomprehensable to imagine a way to love your Mother and let her live with her decision to be with someone who may not be good for her.

If you chose to quit drinking, go to AA meetings, and do the things that are suggested in the AA bigbook, Then, your Mother possibly see a healthy example in you and how you chose to change your life and decide to do some healthy changes in her own.

AA is a selfish program. We have to do it for ourselves because we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Put the plug in the jug and don't run away from this place here. We are all here for you.

Through us, you can find more family and your participation helps us to stay grateful for the sobriety that we are experiancing.

Your brother in AA, Chris B., in West Texas.

When you sober up, reread what folks here are telling you. You've had prior experiance in AA? Then you know what you need to do and how to do it.

Yo' BB in West Texas, Chris B.

"Then, your Mother possibly see a healthy example in you and how you chose to change your life and decide to do some healthy changes in her own."


That is why I am so disappointed in myself. When I called the first time I wasn't drunk. I got drunk, called her back and unleashed! I took all that good you are talking about and made her think I was nuts. I was so angry at her and when she said all the bad stuff and them turned around and told me she had lied so he wouldn't get upset, I lost it.

I convinced myself that it was him and not her. In reality, when I'm sober, I know it's her choice to stay.

Well then, quit drinking and keep coming back to this family.

BB.Chris B.

Howdy Me...Welcome to the board.  As you can see...theres a lot of support here eh??

We all say and do things that we regret doing.. or saying..

All we can do is forgive ourselves..not beat ourselves up over it..ask for forgiveness..make amends, where ever possible...and try to do the best we can...for another day...

We cant change yesterday..there are a lotta days..I wish I could..lotta days..I f---ed up..big time..

And still do .......we are human...

Sobriety? Nothing gets better..without it...

Its been said..

You know the route..gotta put it down..one moment at a time..an hour at a time..meetings..meetings..and more meetings..

Gotta take care of you..and get you better..

You dont? the rest is just a suicide mission...

Your call...we hope you make the right one...you are not alone..

There's a lot more going on here than drinking. Sounds like another case of self-medication. A lot of pain there. That's why I drank,,  but you know what?  It doesn't help. In fact sometimes I just got more maudlin,,  like you did when you called your mother back .  It sounds like you also qualify for the ACA program (Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional parents). It took me a long time and lots of learning and growing to understand that my parents didn't really hate me, and that it wasn't my fault that they couldn't be good parents to me. That they had their own baggage from their own schtick and just didn't have it in them.  That lack of mother love, and father love leaves a big hole! And that big hole craves, and hurts and keeps us from being whole. But booze doesn't fill it up.

What fills it up for me is my Higher Power, God. Accepting that my parents lacked a lot and didn't change and are now dead. Looking to another source for those needs to be met...  Father God, and my brothers and sisters in recovery.

You are a precious child of God, and he wants you to have a good life. The first thing to do  is put down the drink. The second thing to do is find some meetings and go. Happy New Year.

love in recovery,

amanda