RUMOR AND GOSSIP - The lie that one contributes to on a group level. Participation includes, but is not limited to;
the listening, the retelling to others, and the excessive reactions of those who may be the target of the Rumor or Gossip...
"I was talking to ____________,
who said they had talked to _________,
who said that you said that __________________.
Now I'm angry!! I have a right to know why you said that!!"
Destructive motives are always behind the source of rumor and gossip.
No good comes forth from it. Yet, we somehow tend to believe that we are serving a higher, more constructive purpose in our "passing it on"...
or, should we be it's victim, reacting excessively to it.
Rumors and Gossip are started intentionally with malice to create division and disharmony between two parties.
Each participant has their own hidden agenda for participating in the first place.
Which isn't so hidden if we will only open our eyes and ears.
Much unearned harm is inflicted as a result of rumors and gossip. Many good people have isolated and others have committed suicide because of the attack against their character,
whether based in truth or faleshood. The best response to rumors and gossip I have heard to date is;
"God is not finished with any of us yet." If you truly do not wish to harm people today - don't participate in the insanity of others by Passing it on
or reacting excessively on what you are told or hear about someone else.
Accussing someone of something you have heard through a "grapevine" of others lacks both intellect and wisdom.
"Bare not false witness against thine enemy"
***************
Another thing I heard early on is.. we don't have a right to take any one else's inventory but we surely get to read what their advertising".
***************
With any social network or unprotected forum that is open to public viewing we need to be careful not to break one another's anonymity. I have over 400 friends on facebook. Who they are is mine and their business. Whether they are in the program or not is their business. My recovery is there, because trust me if I was drinking, my drunkness would have been out there too. lol
However, I do not have a right to associate anything I say about myself to any one else. I do not tag, or name any one about anything on facebook or even here on this MIP message board. I may share my experiences, in a general way... but it has to be done in a way that does not bring personalities to the table, only spiritual priniciples, and when any issue comes up between myself and anyone else in the world... facebook is not the place to air our problems. I like a picture I saw on facebook some time back...
So, maybe you'd better serve yourself, to not even respond to what is happening on facebook,.. but to sit down with the sponsee f2f, and explain why they should not do this or that and how it is effecting your ability to believe you are the right sponsor for them. You also need to reaffirm within the conversation that if it does not end, you might not be left with any option but to unfriend them on facebook and you'd hate that if it came down to it.
Hi. I've just joined this message board because I've got a dilemma I don't feel comfortable bringing up in a meeting.
I've been sponsoring "Nellie" for about five months now. Twice in the last two months we've had run-ins caused by things posted on Facebook. (FYI, I have since instructed her to "unfriend" me.) The first was when I cautioned her about a possible breach of the 11th Tradition on a post she made (full face images and names on photos she took at a Christmas party where AA slogans could be seen in the background), and the second was when she disagreed with a comment I made on another sponsee's Facebook post (which was none of Nellie's business). I've had the feeling for a while (since the first incident really) that she is trying to discredit anything I say to her when she poses a problem to me. This has become a very uncomfortable situation. I want to do what's best for my sponsee, but this is also affecting my own serenity.
I would love to hear the thoughts of other sponsors. Thank you.
whenever a sponsee( or anyone) is doin something to effect my serenity, it is a problem with me and its time to look in the mirror.i can only offer suggestions to a sponsee and find that when one ( or a friend even) is letting their shortcomings/defects of character come out, to ask them qustions and let them decide whether something should be worked on. something like this:" i saw them pics ya posted on FB and they are pretty sweet, but wouldnt this be somewhat of a breach of the traditions?"
This is only ME personally ... when My granddaughter got me to join 'facebook' my immediate reaction to this program, or whatever you call 'facebook', was that it was just like the old 'party lines' we used to have with the 'telephone' system back in the 50's ... ... ... it was the perfect 'gossip' tool for the new age ... and after I found out just what this thing was used for (namely gossip) ... I have only checked it 2 maybe 3 times in the past year ... to check up on my granddaughter's posts ... I actually wish I hadn't ... she was using language and discussing subjects that even embarrassed me ...
SOLUTION ??? ... I stopped using facebook ... to me it's just a breeding ground of 'bad mojo' ... ... ... and it is just another way for us to isolate from each other ... I prefer face-to-face communications ... you can see the truth in other peoples eyes when they speak ... OR the lack thereof ...
I suggest 'dumping facebook' and go back to at least only using the phone ... and you know everything you post on 'facebook' is in 'cyberspace' ... you guessed it, that stuff can be 'recalled and reposted or reprinted or resent to anyone in the whole 'freakin' world ... now why in the world would I want to subject myself, much less my sponsees to this sort of thing ... it just begs for trouble ...
Yes, I AM an old fart ... ... ... but I think 'facebook' represents the opposite of being 'Anonymous' .... by-the-way ... 'Text-ing' ... can be 'fatal' ... too bad it's mostly the, very young, that die though ...
Just an opinion from and old drunk ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I appreciate and agree with both of you. The main issue for me now is that I feel she's looking for ways to discredit me. I guess I just need to stick with our literature and refuse to participate in any drama.
Pappy, I totally agree about the gossip issue and have actually deleted everyone in recovery from my Facebook account.
Thanks again.
Pappy, I agree with you 100%. I've never had Facebook and never will- I can't tell you how many times I've heard my friends upset about Facebook stuff- and gossip and compete about Facebook related stuff. It's kinda silly, in my opinion. I've found out that pictures of me were on people's Facebook page, and I immediately ask for these to be taken off- it creeps me out. I know a lot of people in AA use Facebook, and I've often wondered how this aligns with the 11 th tradition when AA matters are discussed and pictures posted. I think many younger people don't even think about it because Facebook has become a primary form of communication (and narcissism- in my opinion).
Hey GinnyM ... that's the problem with 'cyberspace' ... once you've entered info there, it's still there somewhere ... it's never, ever 'gone' ...
As far as others posting what seems to be hurtful or damaging things, I would have to treat it the same today, the way I used to back then ... namely, ... I do what my sponsor said ... he said what others think of you is none of your business ... so it is with the electronic gadgets ... what others 'post' about me is none of my business ... the only 'character' that is of any concern to me is the one I portray ... the one I live and show to others ... you know the old 'sticks 'n stones' routine ...
So it really boils down to what God thinks of me ... nobody else's opinion matters one iota ... just me and what I think of myself ... cause me and God know the truth ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Facebook is not an anonymous forum, so It may not be such a good idea to communicate with other AA's that way, unless using private messaging. I had a sponcee disrespect me in that manner I'd set a boundary with them and suggest that if that doesn't work for them, find a new sponsor that does.
I use facebook to post and promote events - and to use as a quick and easy way to invite people to birthday parties or whatever parties. The only stream I look at these days are my inspirational ones - and those that pertain to the news I like to view about mind - body - soul health. Always delightful to get the low down on who's trying to get away with putting arsenic in my kids apple juice and stuff like that... : )
Other than that, I too, realized that I couldn't do anything in life without immediately thinking I had to brag about it, post pics about it, or whine about it on facebook! Was I living for me and my family? Or for 'the viewers'? That's the question that I finally had a clear answer to and just started a whole new page with like - 3 friends - who I send schedules to for my music classes - and my news. I dropped out of my old crazy gossip one years ago and it's been great!
Anyway - WELCOME to MIP! So glad you're here! I don't have much sponsor experience. I'm new - BUT - I've had a few different sponsors - and we all know that leading by example is the most effective.
I love the saying "Let it begin with me" which I actually heard in Alanon.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thank you again, everyone. No more Facebook for me with anyone in recovery. I am going to see how things pan out in the next few days with Nelli. We may just need to sit down and have a real honest discussion about what's happened and how it affects our relationship and whether this relationship is still gonna work. Will let y'all know how it pans out.
She challenges your guidance because she's still sick! No shame in that! I was pretty dang sick when I got here! I still have all that crazy in me - it's just that I have a HP and a little bit of good knowledge from a very patient group of folks including my sponsor - who loved me until I could love myself enough to work the steps - live the principles in the program, and not have to ACT on my crazy so much anymore... still working at it though : )
Give her a little practice time in the kiddie rink until you hold her to the skills that the old timers skate around with in the big rink : )
We have to make mistakes to learn. I bucked the system CONSTANTLY!~ I KNEW IT ALL! Correction: I still have to constantly practice step six on the know it all bit. When I remember the sobbing and squeeling and issues I came in with, and then slapped a big ol helping of arrogance-know it all mixed with a lot of low self esteem - BLECK! Only in AA can we prance in like that and be accepted and guided and loved and shown the way... wow - this program is so amazing!
She gets to see you react OR not react OR display boundaries OR show patience and kindness and love - and if you just aint up to that today... cuz if you're anything like me... you still have good days and bad - and if it's a bad day - tell her so! Tell her you're going to do some stuff for yourself today, and talk to her about it tomorrow *God willing* and show her how taking care of YOU is taking care of her. No shame in that at all! She needs to see how you walk through issues - especially the ones that are due to her prickly thinking disease called alcoholism!
Your HP loves you both! He doesn't make junk, and WE get to figure this out sober!!! Can you believe that??? I do not deserve all the days of sobriety I've had - EVERY day IS a GIFT!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 10:58:31 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There is no guarantee of anonymity or confidentiality on Facebook or any other internet site, including this one. If you care who may see it, or it might hurt someone you care about, don't post it.
Agreed, Lee. That's not what I was concerned about though. The point of my inquiry was what to do when a sponsee repeatedly challenges your guidance. I had tried to instruct her in the 11th Tradition & how it relates to Facebook & she challenged me. Then SHE got on MY case about an innocuous comment I made on another sponsee's post. Facebook was kind of a side issue.
Welcome to the MIP forum. I agree with the move to move away from the FB scene especially if people are braking the 11th tradition.
I think I would just let all that resentments go, pray about them and ask God to remove them. Stay above the fray, you put out the memo on the 11th tradition, sounds like she is being prideful. Fighting pride with pride gets us nowhere.
Good news is I guess she is staying sober, keep it professional and based in the solution and steps!
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I really appreciate what you had to say on this subject. I am not shy about sharing my recovery on facebook because I, too, would probably have put my disease all over it.
What I do have a problem with is when someon shares too much of a private situation and thereby exposes themselves to potential predators. My twenty year old daughter does this. She once posted a request for a ride from Arizona to California. On another occassion, she posted some stuff about feeling unwanted by my mother (whose husband just died) and bemoaned how awful that was in light of the fact that she offered to watch my other daughter (who lives with my mom) for her while she was at work. (My eldest runs a tad on the resentful side toward her younger siblings so this would have been completely unworkable anyway.) She also has a tendency to comment about deeply personal family issues without bringing up her role in said issue. In my mind, this invites drama, hurt feelings and a host of other potential problems. I love my daughter but her posts open her up to predatorial types and also invite drama and hurt in a completely unnecessary way.
And Ginny, it i hard to say where your sponsee is in her own program but perhaps you could find a way to guide her to focus on just that... her own program, not your relationship with your other sponsee or her opinion about other things you might say. Perhaps you could gently ask her if she asked the folks in her pics if they were okay with their pictures (with AA logos so prominently in the background) were okay with her posting them on the web. At any rate and at all times, if you are not sure how to handle her behavior, just ask the One Who does know how to handle it. I am confident you will get your answer.
__________________
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
