I have been thinking a lot about this concept of codependent lately. Trying to merge it with my concept of my other disease of alcoholism. Is codependancy a disease? I'm confused on that. I suppose I have more reading to do.
For now... I'm working really hard at trying to GET MY HUSBAND to not be a codependents... WOOPS - I think I MIGHT be displaying just a little teeensy tiny bit of codependancy in trying to get him to not be so codependent... WHAT??? LOL
I read through the step one worksheet for codependents.
I got half way through - reading this aloud to my husband - LOL - and started to get a little quiet! HA!
Anyway - all joking and poking aside - I have a real question to ask: Part of the learning I'm doing recently involves the book "the family" by john brandshaw. I found it easy to understand the reasons my upbringing was the way it was all of a sudden, but more importantly, I needed to break the cycle (like yesterday) the second I got a bit through the book. I had to put it down and immediately get on the floor and have a long talk with my young children as best I could make them understand that Mommy learned some things, and we're going to start over in a new way.
And we have. And I have stuck to it and have seen dramatic changes in just a few weeks of diligently trying to heal some mistakes and extra love and a lot less shame and things that never felt good to me anyway - things I didn't even understand how or why I was doing them.
I want my husband to be on board. I did some explaining. He wont read books or anything, so I read a few pages aloud to him. I explained which direction I would like to take in parenting and my goals. I have tried to mostly just lead by example. It's been a growing process that I am wanting to perfect and have everyone fixed RIGHT NOW! LOL
I admit that to him, and I tell him I'm trying to work on LETTING each of us growing in our own ways, through our own programs, and of course, in God's time - not mine. He is developing a HP with the words I've shared "It's a power I don't understand" but is confused and has yet to get a sponsor or work the steps.
I told him yesterday, I just want him to get on with his program and catch up... but take your time... just hurry up... we both got a good laugh out of that one, but as funny as it sounds, it's exactly what I want, and I can't have both, and if it were just him and I it seems like it would be easier to back off, but I want our kids to have 2 healthy parents yesterday, and I can't stand the idea of another wasted moment being ignorant, and I can't bring myself to shove this down his throat anymore either- I unfortunately KNOW BETTER - but can't seem to FEEL better??? Does that make sense to anyone here? I'm feeling really controlling and confused at how I do not in some ways try and control my children and their lives and the most influential people in their live... ahhhhhhH!
So teach me wise ones... I'm on my knees AGAIN!~
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 08:50:50 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have been thinking a lot about this concept of codependent lately. Trying to merge it with my concept of my other disease of alcoholism. Is codependancy a disease? I'm confused on that. I suppose I have more reading to do.
Yes Codependency is recognized as a "Primary disease" by the AMA. While not quite as deadly as alcoholism, this disease does kill. Many codependents committ suicide and many of those are murder/suicide. But the more incidious nature of codependency lies in the abuse that codependents give and take to/from those around them. The characteristics fall in two categories "Compliance" meaning boudaryless acceptance of abuse, and "Control" meaning boudaryless meeting out of abuse.
Learning who we are and how to be our geniune authentic selves, instead of being who we think others want us to be, is where the recovery is. This comes with learning how to take care of ourselves and learning what it is that we truly like and what to be in our lives. It realitively hard work as just the mental knowledge of "how it work" doesn't transform us in "real time". I went to my first Coda meeting in '90, CA was only 2 years old at the time. And I still look for a lot of validation, and make choices based on what I think other will think.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 4th of February 2013 11:00:34 AM
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
Great post Tasha! God works in wonderful ways. We just discussed this at our meeting last night. I'm a Codependent also. I've learned that many of us Alcoholics have Co-dependent tendencies. Wether it's a diesase or not, don't know. I'll leave it up to the academia. I do know it can be devasting emotionally. I've also learned it doesn't matter why I Co-dependent or Alcoholic. It's not going to fix the problem. It just is and what am I going to do about it. I learned I was Co-dependent when I picked up the book Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I picked it up so I could figure out my wife at the time. In the book somewhere it states if you bought this book to figure someone else out, you're probably co-dependent. Boy was I pissed! LOL It's been part of my journey learning and growing with those symtoms as well. The good thing is the 12-Steps can work on those short-comings also.
Working with others- Kids. I learned and see examples of The Program working through me to them. By living by Spiritual Principles and practicing them in all my affairs- it has a global effect of those around me. Maybe not as quick as I would like, but in Gods time. By being a power of example and living according to the principles has more meaning than words to those around us. Just like us, they have a HP and it's not me. I try for the most part to stay in my circle and live my way of life and let them be who they are and have there own journey. Learning comes through personal experience or wisdom of others. Wisdom can only be passed on if there's a willing participant. Of coarse, picking them up and dusting them off when needed. Be available to them when they want assistance or help. Do the next right thing and let God deal with the results. Been working so far!
Tasha, I can so relate to your post, at least the part about wanting your husband to be on board with recovery, both his and yours. You want him to understand you, the program and how it affects you and has and will continue to change you. And therefore it changes your relationship as well. You want him to grow and flourish with you and on his own. Because you love him and your children that much. Because you want to make up for lost time and mistakes. While this may be what you want, it has to be what he wants to. In his time, on his terms. He will become more involved in Al-Anon, getting a sponsor and working the steps if that's what he decides will work for him. He will learn about codependency issues if he chooses to. Being on the same page as parents is a more difficult thing, as you need to be able to communicate with each other what your ideas and values are, and present a united front so as not to confuse the children. Things take time. You have come so far in such a short period of time (though it may seem like forever to you). Trust that things are going to happen in your HP's time, not yours. And know that they may not work out how you want them to, but they will work out how they are supposed to. Keep working your program, learning and growing and sharing. Allow him the time and space to decide what he's going to do. Keep leading by example. You do it very well here at MIP. ((((hugs)))) Kelley
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Tasha I had to laugh quite a bit as I read your post.. reminded me of me.. before I got any truly solid recovery...
I surely know what they need to read... so I'll buy the book for them.... and then I'll read it to them!
Or I would do something like... "honey, I bought you a scratch off lottery ticket today... you didn't win anything."
A untreated coda can tie their lives, and even their worth so closely to another person that there is little distinction in where one starts the other ends...
I had to be told that in order to "share our lives" we both had to have one... and darn, I wanted them to just have mine! LOL
I was also asked at one time... "whose life is going to flash before your eyes when you die? Yours or hers? Because you are living both of them with her getting more time and energy in your head then you are!"
"When you have to look at someone else to determine what kind of day you are going to have,.. you might be co-dependent."
"If your mood is indicated by another person, you might be co-dependent"
If you buy something for someone else... and open it for them... show it to them...
If at first they don't succeed... I'll try and try again!
"I tell him I'm trying to work on each of us growing in our own ways"
Hey there Tasha, ... Great post, great topic ... ... ...
In my humble opinion ... Tasha needs to go back to working on Tasha and let the rest of the family enjoy a sober mom/wife ... ... ... there is absolutely no reason to 'control' anything other than to rein in one's own thoughts ... don't allow those thoughts to run wild like a bunch of wild horses ...
You remind me soooooo much of me Tasha ... You are attempting to fix, or tweak, something that isn't broke ... I feel you need to 'do away' with outside issues right now and settle down to a comfortable seat in the AA sobriety room ... the 'promises' will come if we don't jump up and get in their way ... Above all, stop trying to idealize the perfect family ... there is no such thing ... as you already pointed out, we each chose our own way in life, your kids are doing that already on a daily basis ... and you will find out soon enough, no matter how much you want things your way, and no matter how much you want to protect your kids and guide them, they will fail and have to learn to get up and start over ... you're providing them with just such an example by being sober right now ... you can't be with the kids every second ... you cannot prevent the accident that breaks an arm, the active drunk that run into a friend or family member, the death of a pet, the list is 'ad infinum' (or one that goes on forever) and it will drive you nuts to think you are a controlling factor here in any way ...
"Co-dependent' my fuzzy butt ... ... ... Tell me why it's necessary to understand all this 'stuff' ... ??? ... Have you thought of just how much of life you're missing by trying to be come a 'professor' of such things ... Early on in the program, I was told, repeatedly, that I was 'thinking' too much ... One of my corny 'old timers' said to me after a meeting one day ... He said: Just work the steps there Francis and let God do what He does best ... try not to get in His way ...
So I had to try and step aside and let God do His thing ... I found out it was a lot more work than I had patience for and He(God) was doing a better job than I could hope to ever accomplish ... it works out better when I ask if I can help Him, rather than tell Him how things ought to be ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you John. This points out to me how much I've healed and grown in the co-dependency department, just because of this program and having to deal with the death of a codependent close to me a decade ago taught me some lessons about myself too.
Fortunately, I *today* do not feel terribly plagued by it after seeing some of your 'funnies' and other things I've read : ) Thanks for that.
However, I'm in the program still looking for similarities and not differences, and though I'm a long way from true co-dependency, I still have some similarities that being HUMAN will prescribe me to. Especially and specifically when it comes to the mental health of my children that I have had a huge role in disturbing. One DAY at a TIme - I can never reverse what is done, but I can provide an example of how to live and cope with the trauma's of life, and that is something that my husband and I are beginning to slowly see eye to eye on. Of course, we want to be a united team, but perfection doesn't have to be the goal - that's what my HP whispered in my ear last night... and as I drifted to sleep... he reminded me that yesterday isn't today.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It's been part of my journey learning and growing with those symtoms as well. The good thing is the 12-Steps can work on those short-comings also.
