I spent the greater part of this year swimming the waters of recovery. I did very little else. I put every footstep into it, and my thoughts never left it. If I wasn't thinking about it, I was reading about it, sitting in it, meeting people about it, absorbing every thing I possibly could about it until finally I started to really pray about it. Really pray.
I started to pray for people this week because I wasn't too busy. I don't know when that happened. I've been praying for a while, but I forced myself to every time. I did what I was told in that regard, and it was very awkward. Sometimes it was out loud on the busy noisy roads. Sometimes it was shouting when my family seemed to only exist in that way. Sometimes it was because I was reminded to or asked to, or thought I should because I surely didn't want to drink... and I need to act how the sober people act, and that includes acting like someone who prays. Could have I really held up the act forever I wonder?
Then I started to miss some people here on MIP. I missed Ruhig the other day. I read some of her posts when I was looking through my old ones. I tried to figure it out for a few minutes, and then I just turned it over... hoping that maybe she knew? I think this was my first au natural prayer and first real moment turning something over to Him.
A few days ago I thought of Mr. David. I hoped he was recovering from his fall, and so... I prayed for him! And I think that was my first genuine prayer!
I've been talking to my HP. It came out of left field, and I wasn't going to admit this, but now I guess I have to. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I'm delusional! Because I am! I believe things that ARE NOT TRUE! I have believed for many years that I could some day drink like a normal person if this, that or the other thing just happened... or once I got to a certain age... or a certain social status... or a certain degree... or husband... or child...
I believe things that are not true = delusional.
Okay. So that's fine, it's a disease - but what else have I been WRONG about???
Oh... lots of things actually. Just knowing at any given time that I could have been wrong, or COULD BE wrong is the greatest gift I've ever been given.
Just because I said there was no God my whole entire life, and that's what my parents said, and that's what I've stuck to... doesn't mean it's true! I could be WRONG!
And that's where my faith started. Somehow, somewhere, some way in between... I was TRICKED I TELL YOU into praying, and now I see another area of my life that *could have* been wrong in...
so now I don't have to think of my grocery list or errands I need to accomplish during the moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers... because I was wrong... and I don't have to drink today either... because I was wrong... and I don't have to be right anymore when I'm wrong.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I, for one, sure am happy for being brought along with you on your journey this past year ... pardon the expression, but it's been a real treat ...
Once again, you take me back to a time where I went through and learned many of things you speak of today ... Prayer ??? ... Yep, the 'real thing', and I don't mean 'coca-cola', ... just somehow 'came about' ... I think I've shared this before, but the first time my sponsor told me to "go home tonight and get on your knees and 'thank God' for the day" ... ... ... I said WHAT ??? ... He said you heard me ... I said I'm not sure I can do that ... He said, what's the matter?, when you pray, don't you think you mean it? ... ... ... I said at this point, NO, I don't ... and I'm not going home and then pray to God, thanking Him/Her for the day ... It's been a miserable damn day, I hate you, I hate AA, and I hate God ... so I'm not going to pray to something I don't believe in and be a hypocrite ...
He said, THAT's not the point here IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ... he said the point is, is it's the ACTION you're taking ... It's the Action you're taking that you don't know you're taking that's going to cause all these things to happen that you never knew were going to happen ... and once all these things happen that you never knew were going to happen, then what you think needs to happen, will never need to happen ... ... ... ... ... ... .... I thought, oh my God, I got an idiot for a sponsor ... ... ...
Most of you know the rest of that little story, but the whole point was to get into the practice of 'prayer', whether you mean it or not ... so I did what my sponsor said, knowing he was crazy and I was just crazy enough to follow him ... of course he later told me, and I want everyone to REMEMBER THIS, if nothing else, He told me that, and I quote: "Don't worry about your relationship with God right now, because God can handle that, all by Himself" ... in time, your relationship in that department will blossom into something you can't even fathom right now ... ...
Tasha? ... you are living out the program the way my sponsor predicted I would, if I would just continue to follow a few simple steps ...
I Love you Lord, and I love everyone in the program of AA, whether they've stayed sober or not ... I pray that others may come to know You as I know You ... Amen
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
This is where I learned how to pray. My sponsor had me read this every morning from the day I met him....It works...It really does.
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.
If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works - it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
I constantly pray. All throughout the day. My first sponsor taught me the 23rd Psalm. Don't pray it silently, say it, out loud. In your car, at home, at lunch, on break, anywhere. Do this for 10 straight days, 5 times a day, more if necessary. Eventually you will memorize it. You will be a changed person. I don't live in fear of having to do a 10th step. Rather I find this limits the amount of reflection I do at night. I end up being more tolerant of everyone and everything. It saves me a ton of heartache and brought me to the level of God-consciousness.
Page 84 says:
Watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.
Psalm 23:1-6
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
The longer I'm in AA the less I know for sure .... I pray a lot.
A fella asked if I believed in miracles... I told him I not only believed in them but I relied on them.
My old AA friend Rudy K said that after years in AA that he had begun to develop good habits that seemed to be replacing the bad habits. Sounds simple enough to me .....
I read somewhere... ( I wonder where it was??) that if we just open the door of faith a crack, it will seem as though it swings wide open without much effort on our part. Just willingness to open it a crack...
I see you have your door of faith cracked open... and it's moving... opening .. wider....
Kinda like a haunted house... LOL
But the light that shines from it... is a good light... a light of love, forgiveness, understanding and hope.
I can swear that my former sponsor Don.T is hanging with you Tasha...one of his most favorite and effective questions which he use to ask me was "Could you be wrong"? He knew I would never ever say no to that question...for very obvious reasons. (((hugs))) stay the journey
