Help please my dear Miracles! My A.A. p-gram today, so far, has included a meeting, 1-2-3, 11 & 12...and now I got the nudge, to share my grim details, with this room. To those who know my story "Angel in the Glass"....welll.....there was no room for details there. Heres more of the dirt... ...a birth defect, left me sterile.....but as a really dirty drunken girl...one day I miraculously became pregnant! I remember, the moment, and my desparate love for that baby! At that time, I weighed about 90 lbs. and could eat 4 quaaludes with a quart, plus, not even black out, untill my SECOND quart of whiskey.......I had a desparate desire to stop drinking, and I could not.....I knew that I had killed my baby, and aborted her......Thats when my drunken suicide attempts became VERY frequent. Fast forward to sobriety.......My first round of amends, I KNEW, I could NOT "amend" THIS!!! AHA! But those crafty A.A.s had a real solution......I got to do it....and KNEW...I was free and forgiven!!!!! I also KNEW, God would give me (this sterile girl) another chance. 8 (Long) years later (God had alot of fixing to do upon me as well!).....Our A.A. MIRACLE BOY was born!!!!!!!!!!! Fast forward to 12 years sober.......My dear husband, our miracle boy (4 years old) and I ( me driving) were hit by a reckless driver. That opened the tragedy floodgates! The horrors just kept coming....my husband did not survive: I landed, vision impaired and brain injured, in a wheelchair.....and the traumas created a torrid mental illness in this, our miracle A.A. child! We were even, later hit by a drunk driver! My darling boys behavior was completely uncontrollable.......and they hauled him (at EIGHT years of age.).to the STATE HOSPITOL! And then day treatment....ER after ER....Acute units, and residential treatment centers for a total of 3 years, by age 14. OMG GUYS!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN???? WITH 2 SOBER PARENTS????? Working the Program!!!!! ........Well....Dear Ones...Dear Miracles......tomorrow, he is meant to go to jail, and I feel the same soul crushing grief, I felt the day he was hauled off to the State Hospitol...the day my husband died....the day I had to tell my miracle child, that his daddy was dead........OH!!! The pain I feel today, is as if I was given this perfect, beautiful angel, from Heaven....this angel, to teach me how to really love.....and....I have had to watch him be defiled and suffer...OOOOO......My heart just hurts! I beg you! Noone beat me with the "God is everything" stick Please! My God is NOT the suffering of my child! I beg you! Noone beat me with the "Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake" stick ! Dr. Alcoholic, Addict stated later, that he sorely regretted EVER writing THAT! I do know that my horrors, have value....HERE....in A.A. I am proof that God and A.A. will keep you sober through absolutely anything (Just ask me how!) But today.............It JUST FUCKING HURTS!!!!!! My Miracles in Progress! Pray for my dear child Rusty! Pray for me Lisa (aka Lady Eli).....Thank you for letting me share myself, and bless you all. (p.s. thanks for helping with 10!)
We cannot escape being human ... and sometimes death seems an attractive alternative ... then if death comes, what becomes of the valuable lessons to be taught to those yet to come our direction ??? ... must they live to experience the worst life has to offer as well ??? ... I think not ... I think our lives have given others the power of willful choice in matters they may now see differently due to our suffering ...
God is indeed 'standing by' to see who of us asks for help, and who asks not for what he feels himself capable of doing on his own ... ...
Life is just now starting to get interesting ... wonder what happens next ... ???
God Bless, ... us all ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Oh Pappy!!!!! You ALWAYS make me smile! "Interesting" "INTERESTING"?!?!? Did he just say "interesting"? LOLOLOL!!! Its true......tho, I wouldnt call it "interesting" today....but life has not ever ever ever been boring .....sober!
I can identify with the pain of watching your child being sent to jail.At first a blessing we thought as he already basically died from anaphalatic shock from the cut in his bag.Revived and again back to the streets,my now 27 year old son in recovery from his heroin addiction,and coming back to LIFE after 7 long horrific years.A parent who suffered addiction from the age of 12 for over 25 years should have seen it coming?? My recovery over last almost 3 decades should have been a guide.Not to be..So I will lift you up in prayer and remain in support.2 of God's greatest gifts,laughter and tears,helped keep me sane even in my insanity and in my surrender.Use them freely...Pain shared is pain lessened....Thanks for the HOPE shot no matter what happens......................
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Prayers of course Lisa...for you, for your Rusty and every other person in my life with out condition. I learned in recovery that pain is a feeling...mental, emotional, spiritual and physical and that with willingness and practice it remains just pain...never larger...never smaller and that because of the relationship I have with my Higher Power how long I endure it is a choice. Truthfully..."This too - will pass" is a blessing and historical event because I've learned that such as margin and mercy do really exist. When I look back thru the door of my past...there they both are and the pain of fear is gone. Thanks for the memory. (((hugs)))
