Help understanding

bsketlady · Member

Help understanding

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! So I'm hearing that you want to know how an alcoholic is different than any other person - and a lot of that could be answered by going to open speaker meetings. My husband still feels he learns the most about the disease from going to AA open speaker meetings (you can also listen to speaker tapes and stuff like that online or get cds - there are links on the home page). He also goes to Alanon, and there is an alanon board here on MIP just like this one.

As far as your question goes, well, best thing I can say is that what happens when we lose sight of our program (which can include lots of meetings for some people) is we get spiritually sick. We start doing things that we wouldn't normally do if we were living the principles of the program. For me, that means every day I have to read program literature, come here and connect and try to reach out and help others here on this board, go to some meetings every week, and always do a quick run through of our steps to make sure I'm keeping myself in check and spiritually fit. When I'm not spiritually fit - I do things like lie and essentially lose sight of my morals and values. Alcoholism is a mental disorder, and we have to do things just like diabetics do every single day to stay balanced.

Best wishes,
Tasha

PattyVerg · Newbie

I understand it can get very confusing to understand an alcoholic and the things we do to maintain our sobriety.

A lot of times, if we aren't working our program (working the steps-including the 12th step that says we need to practice the principles and carry the message) we look for outside things to make us feel better. I've experienced and seen people get involved in many wrong behaviors when not working the program.

Sometimes when we have not been working the program (a dry drunk) it can be beneficial to do a meeting a day for a bit till our heads clear up again and we are back on a sound spiritual footing.

You hadn't mentioned if you were attending meetings also, but I'd like to also suggest that Alanon is a great place to find support and it may answer a lot of your concerns.

Wishing you the best!

Patty

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome 'bsketlady' ... to an Alcoholic's 'sounding board' called MIP ... you too PattyV ...

I really think Tasha answered the first question extremely well ... and I think it would be wise to re-read her post and let it sink in ... Of course a big part of 'understanding an alcoholic' requires you, by necessity, to be an alcoholic too ... if you are, then you may scratch the surface on acquiring the wisdom you seek ... and our program is where we start ... as well as one alcoholic can understand another alcoholic, like no other person can ... I still didn't 'get it' for a long time ... I will always remember one of my first conversations I had with my sponsor, it went something like this: ... ... ...

ME: Im going to tell you something.Ive been listening to you
and listening to youNow you listen to me..I DO NOT
UNDERSTAND..

MY Sponsor: AND THATS IT & DONT YOU EVER FORGET IT.

Theres two things you must remember every day for the rest of
your days

1. No matter whats gon on in your lifeYou Do Not
Understand.then youll have understanding

And when you quit trying to understand, then you can enjoy
it.

2. No matter what your situation is,.its never them..never
her, never him never God,its YOU that must
become different than you ever have before.

Just because your husband is an alcoholic or because he's been sober a while, doesn't mean that life won't still happen or go on ... just because he's sober, doesn't guarantee you or him eternal happiness ... life stills happens to us all ... alcoholic or not ...

Suggest you check out the Al-Anon board here on this web site ... Maybe it's time for you to work on you, rather than trying to control him or the situation ...

joby · Member

Some may disagree, and thats fine. I personally do not get out of going to church, what I get out of going to AA meetings. In meetings I find the fellowship and the complete understanding and care that I do not get from church. I have spoke with my pastor, whoses husband is an alcoholic, but does not seek help, and she says that meetings are very important for that reason. The friendship and understanding. I could not fathom be at a church function and discussing or trying to, the feelings and obstacles that I have as an alcoholic, and non-alcoholics understanding. I just feel that there is a difference. I enjoying going to church and alot of the info is useful to me as an alcoholic. But to me there is an overwhelming feeling of gratification leaving a meeting hopeing that I may have helped someone, and knowing that someone has helped me.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I have two alcoholic priests in my home group....There is something about those rooms you can't find in church. It's a We program. We understand each other. We come from the same place.

AlcoHater · Senior Member

GOOD ONE, PYTHONPAPPY!

bsketlady · Member

Thanks everyone for the responses, they were helpful. I have attended 1 ALANON meeting awhile ago and it was kinda "creepy" for lack of a better word. I did not feel at all like I fit in. I never returned, probably bad on my part. I just want to understand why he does the things he does. IF you aren't happy for 3 yrs, why not discuss with your spouse/best friend...YES WE ARE BEST FRIENDS and have a 20 yr history of our friendship, I've seen him at his bottom of the bottom and at the worst parts in his life...he's helped me with my previous divorce...why have an affair? why lead a double life scheming etc., when isn't life difficult enough? What's having an affair going to do to make your life better? NOTHING, if anything, just more complicated. This is what I don't get, or understand. I'm glad he's returned to meetings, but I must honestly say I was not aware we had any problems or that he wasn';t happy for the last 3 years...he said it wasn't that he wasn't happy but he could be happier, yeah no kidding, who couldn't be more happier? BTW - I am not an alcoholic, my father was, but not me. I am not trying to control my husband at all, I am very supportive in all he does with business/church activities and I am his biggest supporter and HE KNOWS THIS TOO. He tells me he loves me, and that our marriage is going to survive this and I have no worries, but the trust is GONE GONE GONE and it's hard to get back.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

You mentioned he was on the verge of having an affair....I don't quite get that...That sounds like being almost pregnant.

bsketlady · Member

he met someone 1-2x...they just "talked" as he told me and i overheard him telling his sponsor "that it was headed there"... so i don't think anything physical occurred, but really have no way to know 100%

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Maybe he put a halt to it before it happened...I have no clue. That trust thing is something you're going to have to work out. I only have 19 months in AA...But I talked to an old friend a few months ago...I hadn't talked to him in 30 years...We drank a lot together as kids. I found out he has 25 years sober in AA. He told me one thing...Because I was new....He said when he got to 8 years sober....He stopped going to meetings...And he lived as a dry drunk like that for a year...He was miserable and almost gave it all up....He told me not to make that mistake....To stay connected...Work my program....I've seen the results of people that don't....I'm glad your husband is back to his meetings...A lot of people don't make it back.

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Bsketlady,

There is a chapter in the AA big Book "To wives" and also "The Family afterward".

My wife is in AA also, and I went through some tough spells. I know that Alanon has been helpful in many relationships and I know a alcoholic in your life will make you sick also. You came here so we could share our experience with you so here you have it.

When we get busy we get better, get the focus off him and on the things you can change. Maybe try some activities you can do together also.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

For us, once the trust was totally broken - on both sides - and we began to recover, we were still stuck not trusting. That didn't work. Just like we make a decision in AA to go on with the program and all that it asks of us - my husband and I did that very thing with one another regarding trust. We had both told each other so many lies, that we had to decide to make a clean slate - and then keep it clean each day.

We literally, out loud - considered everything, and then made a decision one day to either trust or not trust - and then do all and live all that it entailed.

Now - it was harder in the beginning, but with time, and living a life that showed we could trust one another, the decision turned out to be a good one and was constantly being reinforced through good actions. It took time, but now when something pops into my head, and I get that twang where I feel myself not wanting to trust him, I remember that I made a decision to do it, and I am going to stick to it. So I put my 'crazy' aside, and turn my defect of character over to God - because alone... I can't do it.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I could be very wrong here .... but this whole thing here would seem to me, be better handled by a professional who is trained in 'relationship' problems and 'couples-counseling' ... I haven't read anything where the husband got drunk and destroyed anything ... yet ... Maybe the issue portrayed here is beyond the scope of our training ???

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Bsktlady (did you pick that moniker because of emotions?) and welcome to the AA board. Reading your post brings back memories of my past and the definition of alcoholism which in part says, "Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind..." If alcoholics are anything they are compulsive and having some morals and value systems which are intact when we know we are slipping we lie, cheat and steal in covering it up or trying to. We are haunted by guilt and shame and mostly FEAR!!. He broke away from his spiritual recovery program which means our motive for life and a connection to a power or powers greater than ourselves to help us continue on the sober path. Sober doesn't only mean alcohol free it also is a quality of thinking, feeling and behaving and he was slipping it seems in those areas. We don't always express honestly to others around us...we can and often do absolutely outstandingly insane things without a drink within a mile or so. The problem often is in our pride and egos...We are risk takers. For me all I had to do was give myself half a reason to chase a new skirt and without a drink (oh no I'll do it all and NOT drink because I'm alcoholic) and off I'd be. Affairs are alot like alcohol...they have a tremendous affect on us...mind, body, spirit and emotions and there will be no justification to point the finger at the wife or partner or other. It's all about us getting a fix and sailing our life down the john while doing it. It's human and not the best of human. For me the affairs were "nerve ending addiction" As long as I got the rush like the one I got from the first pull at the bottle...that was what it was all about...the affect.

He is back with his sponsor in AA and with the group which is one form of a Higher Power. His process will be to re-grow his relationship with the God of his understanding....the program and all it asks and very importantly you. You're not last on the list. Your mutual love is higher power; it is part of why he was so scared and secretive. The fear is overbearing.

You're trying to figure him out...don't waste your time...that is why you married him or why he married you. In order to figure him out you will have to go inside and ask yourself why would you do something like this or why did you do it when you did do it. My alcoholic/addict wife practiced infidelity and I was confused and hurt and angry beyond belief and one time when I was blaming her for all of the disorder in my life and even for things before I met her I plunged into the accusation that "she would screw with every Tom, Dick and Harry"....and then I came to remember and understand how she and I met and after that I added myself to the list..."Tom, Dick, Harry and Jerry". Our recovery is founded in honesty or else we loose it easily.

You didn't give Al-Anon a fair enough attempt. I am a "double" meaning a consistent fellow of both programs. Al-Anon held me for 9 years without a drink until I found out more about my alcoholism. All I had to do was add the "other" room and now I fear relapse much less. That is where you husband was heading for and had given it a bit of a start...that is how we do it...give ourselves the justification to return to drinking...what ever that start justification is. Had he fulfilled the affair the guilt and shame and rush might have sent him back out to the bottle and maybe even his grave...He did what he has learned is most necessary...meetings, sponsor, steps, traditions, literature and helping others...Every alcoholic who sincerely and seriously want to change higher powers will do it that way....God is in our rooms and the God of our understandings reminds us that AA isn't a Talk program. It is a Walk program.

Al-Anon is that way also...it saved my life long enough for me to reach the doors of AA and to continue working the program totally alcohol free. I almost left them both after my 16th anniversary...I felt I was done, healed, cured and I was restless...irritable and discontent. I would have not lasted long. I am a risk taker and drinking and affairs are part of my history. I will never forget my past nor wish to close the door on it because it has value for my sobriety and serenity.

I suggest you drop into the Al-Anon board here at MIP and also look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area it will help take the weight off of your mind, body, spirit and emotions and his also. Drop the why questions the answer is it was a choice, only one of many that he didn't choose. The one he chose we all know works.

(((((hugs))))) smile

John · Admin

When I die, I want my own life to flash before my eyes, not someone else's and that is what I believe would happen if I tried every day to live in someone else's world, in their head, in their "stuff", in their history, in their problems. I first came to AA, as a real drunk... and a few years later my sponsor directed me to Al-Anon. He said... AA saved your life without a doubt... now get to Al-Anon, they might be able to save your sanity!"

I was going nuts trying to figure everything and everyone else out. Did I really want to hear all the ugly stories that would break my heart? Did I really want someone to feel all the shame and guilt that kept me drunk for 20 years? Did I really think I could fix things and make them better, that it was somehow my job? Surely, this is not why the God of my understanding brought us together... so I could fix her, them, it, etc...

AA taught me how to get through the hardships of life without taking a drink. No one ever told me that there wouldn't be hardships, or that I wouldn't cause any more of them for others. Or that I would never be tore up from the floor up, needing a check up from the neck up, in gut wrenching pain of the soul from someone else. They taught me how to survive them without resorting to alcohol as a solution. They taught me about making living amends... not verbal amends... and if it was to be verbal, be willing to live the amendment that would validate my sincerity. An amends is not a promisary note. It is about change, to alter or modify my behavior or attitude that took me down the wrong road to start with, and to do it immediately. I understand that the words "I'm sorry" are far from enough. But then if all you focus on is how lacking it was.... you might miss the living amends that comes with it... a change in his attitude and behaviors to try to ensure that whatever happened, never happens again. This is between him and God.. that's where his power is going to come from as he learns, grows and recovers.

Go to Al-Anon. Go to meetings regularly, allow yourself to have a fair chance to learn, grow and heal. Allow yourself to get a sponsor in Al-Anon, someone you can talk freely and openly to, that will help you work the steps and Read the literature. Let him, his sponsor and God figure him out, and sort through his crap. It's not your job, and even if it was... the pay sucks and there are no benefits. Your job is to simply give yourself a break, and learn that its okay to smile again, to be happy again, and trust that all things come together for the good, if we don't tear them apart while they are in the making. smile

In closing I would like to share a piece of Al-Anon literature here. From Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book, pg 7.

"Some of us, when we first turned to Al-Anon for help, were in no frame of mind to admit anything but how badly life was treating us. How difficult it was for us to face the idea that there was an area in which we were so helpless. By going to Al-Anon meetings and talking to other members, we reminded ourselves of this day by day. It became easier to accept something we knew we could not master. Learning that alcoholism was a disease proved to be a great relief. We realized the arguments were useless against a disease. We concluded that nothing we could do directly would stop an alcoholic's drinking or change another person."

I hope you will simply go to Al-Anon, give the hubby some room to breath... take a few deep breaths yourself, and allow God to do what God does, when we arn't standing in the way trying to mingle in His department, and trying to figure out how to fix things that are His to fix.

John

bsketlady · Member

Jerry -- thanks so much for your thought filled post...i have read it 3x now...my husband has had the death of a 16yr old daughter (unexpected death) and a very ugly divorce and those things did not cause him to return to alcohol... so i am so grateful he's returned to meetings..his exwife JUST made an amends to him this past weekend (they seperated in 2006 and divorced in 2008) and have 2 kids together...i was shocked (she's an alcoholic too) and so was my husband... i struggle some because my husband acts as if it's business as usual for us and it's NOT and when i ask qustions like "what could i have done different" or "why didn't you come to talk to me" i get the "it's not about you"...i realize he's the one with the problem but as a couple both parties are with fault...

Justadrunk -- i think your fix for the trust issue is spot on! but the 1/2 hearted "i'm sorry" i got from hubby when i caught him just 10 days ago, isnt cutting it...and I KNOW i don't have the whole story and i'd be willing to be my paycheck that there was more happening in secret than this woman I just busted him with...and at this point, I guess it's water under the bridge because i will never know the all the stories and probably wouldn't believe i got the whole story even if i did...it's hard, very hard

Rob84 -- thanks for your comments, i do stay very busy with my high school daughter and my church stuff too. me and hubby have had 2 previous marriages, we are not letting this one go and are going to make it work and i think we can get there, but i am not sure how to move on, but i think in time with work on my part it will come... i think i focus on him (1) because i want the whole story ugly as it may be and (2) because i want to help him...(then i learn that i can't and he has to help himself). some of that i believe is from being a woman and women like to "fix" stuff...

Stepchild - i wish he did put a halt to it, sadly, not the case. i was home on the day i caught him and it was purely by accident..if i had gone to work, he wouldn't have been called out and he would have met her days later to "move forward" that was his words in the document that i read that i called him out on

Patty -- you are so right. he's constantly talking about working a program/the steps and i'm so thankful for aa and all it offers. he's even resigned from being a eucharistic minister at church because he cannot drink the blood of christ (wine)...he WAS drinking it and didn't like it, but did it...he has since resigned that position because he told me it was wrong no matter what

this board is awesome, i am so thankful for all of your posts...i am going to hit the alanon board too!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Great insight : )

When I said above that we considered everything - that took more than a brief moment or a few minutes. We first came totally clean with one another - stared at one another - chewed on it for like a MONTH! And then DECIDED once we BOTH got to a place where we felt we knew all we needed/wanted to know - and then each of us individually made the decision standing at the coffee maker in the kitchen staring cold stone at one another - not hardly caring enough either way - so we figured 'what the hell' basically - forced a hug and a new goal out of our lips - and from that moment on - we realized - both of us, that we would not squelch each other anymore! I knew I didn't NEED him anymore - and I said to him - 'are you sure you want to do this? I mean, I'm an alcoholic, it's a lot to take on!' He thought for a second, and as fairytale as it is - he said "i'm here because I want to be here" and gave me a hug back for the first time in a LONG long time. Yup - that was pretty fairytale for our lives.

I'm not saying it has to be the way you do it - obviously everyone's situation and lives are different...

... this is my experience, and it only has to do with the lies of addiction... not cheating - however, after reading Jerry's remarkable eye popping - gotta hug someone right now - post - I am starting to understand how it's all part of the disease... and I think a lie is a lie - and trust is trust - and when you've got a broken heart it's just broken no matter how it got broken. I could be wrong, but I feel strongly *today* that you have to give this some very quiet time - you both deserve that. Time is like a magic healer. In that time - you can continue to do what's best for you and your broken heart. That is all that really matters anyway - being true to yourself and the beautiful soul that is hoping you are gentle with it for a while.

lady eli · Senior Member

Dear Bsktlady....Us drunks cannot ever take even a drop, without desperately NEEDING more more MORE......If your husband was drinking wine.....OOOO....Danger Danger Danger!!! Us sober people can only claim sobriety in A.A.. if we are 100% alcohol free ( includes stuff like nyquil and weed as well)......It seems he perhaps set off that terrifying "Phenomenon of craving"....I NEVER started a drunk, that I didnt finish (my last one lasted a brutal 5 years, and began with one tiny drink!!!!) Us alcoholics have little or no control, after the first one....and if he has taken that first one....he is fighting for his very life (in my opinion).....Alanon! Alanon! Alanon honey Alanon! I could very well be wrong...but....he may be obsessed with booze, while you may be obsessed with him! Re: "he WAS drinking the wine, and didnt like it, but did it"....scares me to death for him and you......Oh .....I drank buckets of booze that I did NOT like.......that does not matter!!!! Alcoholism is a real disease, with drunkeness as just ONE its many symptoms.....we are just absolutley INCAPABLE of differentiating the Truth from the false, when it comes to booze (AKA dishonesty!) I know a nun and a priest, who both ONLY found God...inside of A.A.!!!!!! Blessings upon you both........you both can SURVIVE an affair! Alcoholism is fatal!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

tomsteve · Senior Member

to get an understanding of an alcoholics thinking, i would suggest reading the 1st 164 pages of the big book.
it is awesome to see yer husband do what the big book suggests( pg 131, last paragraph) and i have also taken the suggstion to help with spiritual progress. HOWEVER, seeing poeple that got involved in church and stop goin to meetings and end up drunk, i know how important it is to keep a balance of both. i love my church family, but when it comes to my alcoholic thinking, they dont understand. i must continue goin to meetings, helping others, and talking to my sponsor and others in recovery. they are the ones that know how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcoholism is and how my thinking can get jacked up. they are the ones that will call BS on my thinking. beings that alcoholism is cunning, one lil lie leads to another, then another, then im back in the squirrell cage,running the show, and goin in the direction of insane actions.contact with my sponsor and others in recovery keeps my thinkin goin on a bender, and if i let my thinking go too far on a bender, it will lead to my actions goin on a bender.

bsketlady · Member

WOW John and everyone...your posts are so hitting home for me...so true and it's overwhelming to read all of these words of guidance and support. Perhaps I will go to Al-Anon, I know in my heart this is his to fix and I have 100% faith he will fix it. We are most certainly faith/God believing/living people...letting God do what he does is certainly what I need to remember - THANK YOU! I know the "i'm sorry" is small at this point and I realize the changes he makes will make life for us both better...hard for me to grasp how for 3 yrs he's not been unhappy but could have been happier...what the heck does that mean???? today as was in prior to me finding out just 1 of his secrets, he is still the kind, grateful loving do stuff for me like always (warming my car in th emorning, fixing my coffee) just little things like that, ugh...so much to understand. I am most grateful to each and every one of you!

bsketlady · Member

Ugh...lies and more lies...i can't take it, feeling so beaten down today....i try, i pray and i do my best at patience, but lies and lies i can tolerate just about any behavior but lying and he knows it...i hate a liar, tell me the worst news, but don't lie...

today he skipped his morning meeting, didn't go to the gym as he usually does and lied about..knowing someone was home and could tell me that he didn't go.

why lie when it's so easy to get caught..oh yeah the disease right?

i think i'm done in the marriage, the hurt is too great and i'm losing tolerance and patience at a rapid pace

bsketlady · Member

so...today his kids dog dies...(dog was with relative for the weekend, dug a hole under a fence, got it, hit by a car, found by neighbor) and so his exwife calls to tell him the bad news, they figure out how they will tell their 2 kids (11 and 13)....he calls me ALLL upset and crying to tell me this news...very distraught...i was sympathetic...and we will see how the rest of the day goes

he WAS NOT THIS UPSET WHEN I BUSTED HIM ON HIS POSSIBLE AFFAIR...no tears, no nothing....

WTH??? ths is the stuff that just baffles me to death...don't get me wrong i am sad about the dog too, (she was only 1 1/2yr old), but it wasn't his dog and i'm sure he's sad for the kids...but how about a little sadness/remorsefulness for OUR MARRIAGE!

ugh

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Get yourself healthy - happy - interested in your life - into your dreams & goals - all about your passions - discover who you truly are and what truly makes you happy, and if he loves it - great. If not. Oh well - you'll be happy either way.

Until I realized that my life and happiness were my responsibilities and no one elses...especially my husbands - I was unlovable. I had to suck it out of people - squeeze it out - manipulate it out - force it out in any sweet eye lash batting way I could think of... but it was never authentic. I was always more concerned with what I thought he or others wanted me to be, and there is just no way to know that! It was an endless search for an unattainable goal that I couldn't reach. The only thing I have a real chance at figuring out, is who I want to be according to what/how things make ME feel. I use a HP to direct that, and when I work on just me, fulfilling my own life, my own dreams, doing the things that my soul loves and feels passionate about, I can then feel real love being shown to me for who I am. Not for how clean I made the house, not for how good the sandwich I made you for lunch was - but for the HUGE smile on my face for the delight I have in my own sandwich with extra banana peppers.

I can see in my husbands eyes, that when he's off the hook at trying to keep me happy, and I'm not focused on him trying to keep me happy, and I take care of that myself, we are SO MUCH happier and so much better at really just loving each other. Our relationship is just the cherry on top of the ice cream now. I'm just me - with or without him... and that seems to be a very attractive way to be ironically! Who would have thought? Well not me... I needed to go to alanon and start reading books on co-dependency to realize that! I needed to work the steps - and figure out what was driving me. I needed to find a HP so I could put someone else (better at it) in the drivers seat.

So get to work lady! Best wishes for a happy future - all the recovery is there for the taking - you just add a little willingness to try something different... can't hurt!

bsketlady · Member

WOW...thank you for that great post...i guess i'm like an alcoholic who doesn't realize they have a problem, i'm someting _______ but don't feel i have a problem and can't pinpoint the "something". I hear you and your points, makes sense totally, but i don't think i'm unhappy or unloveable..i think my life is pretty good, work could be better...if i had more money i'd be less stressed, not necessarily happier....i just don't get it...i feel as if i just bang my head on the floor...i KNOW my focus is not to be the hubby but MYSELF...but i yearn to understand WHY he is the way ne is, kinda like figuring out a rubiks cube i guess...

why was he so heartbroken today over a dog that wasn't even his, but when our relationship was bout to go to the shitter, there's no remorse, a 1/2 hearted i'm sorry and that's it??? UGH, maddening to me! i feel like i'm just being a dormat and "accepting" what he did and he's like off scott free

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey bsketlady ... ... ... You should perhaps re-read Tasha' post above ... ... ... good stuff there ...

You asked for advice ... well, here goes ... you seem to me to be very adept at taking other peoples inventory ... maybe it's time to look at yourself and do your inventory ... you know, it's what we call cleaning our side of the street ...

I agree with Tasha, get yourself healthy ... maybe Al-Anon, I don't know ... but unless you can learn 'forgiveness' in whatever program you chose, you'll be miserable for life ... sure, things aren't like you want them and they will probably never be just like you'd have them ... we are all, just human, and not perfect ones at that ... we do make mistakes sometimes ... some serious, some not so serious ...

your husband could be doing worse right now, I guarantee it ... he could go back to drinking and then you'd see something akin to stirring up a hornets nest ... it wouldn't be pretty ...

So help yourself right now and stop carrying the resentment around with you ... go talk to others who are, or have been, through the same things you are going through ... or don't!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

bsketlady wrote:
WOW...thank you for that great post...i guess i'm like an alcoholic who doesn't realize they have a problem, i'm someting _______ but don't feel i have a problem and can't pinpoint the "something". I hear you and your points, makes sense totally, but i don't think i'm unhappy or unloveable..i think my life is pretty good, work could be better...if i had more money i'd be less stressed, not necessarily happier....i just don't get it...i feel as if i just bang my head on the floor...i KNOW my focus is not to be the hubby but MYSELF...but i yearn to understand WHY he is the way ne is, kinda like figuring out a rubiks cube i guess...

why was he so heartbroken today over a dog that wasn't even his, but when our relationship was bout to go to the shitter, there's no remorse, a 1/2 hearted i'm sorry and that's it??? UGH, maddening to me! i feel like i'm just being a dormat and "accepting" what he did and he's like off scott free

Is it REMOTELY possible that you are driving him away in some form or fashion ??? ... Again, I suggest a closer look at yourself before finding fault in others ... AND, I don't care whether you're right OR wrong ... your just making your own self nuts ...

There is help out there if you dare ask for it ... and it ain't going to kill you ...

You are in dire need of reading the last half of a book called 'The Shack' ... (by William P. Young)(if you're not crazy, it will change your outlook on life)

PattyVerg · Newbie

Tasha, Great Stuff! My experience was much the same, except it took me eleven years of sobriety (10 years married) to begin to unravel the codependency web. The next 18 have been an amazing journey! My husband & I (both in AA) grow more in love each day.

bsketlady, I understand your dilemma. It seemed that there should be some common sense reasoning that I could apply to make sense of it all. But I couldn't make it happen on my own. I can tell you from experience that the steps (practiced in both alanon and aa) brought me a life beyond my wildest dreams. Peace. That's the most incredible gift the program gave me (of course after not having to drink!). But I couldn't see that this program could help me. I felt the world had wronged me (and ps...sometimes they had!) Clearly if people would behave appropriately, I would not have a problem. I just couldn't grasp that I could make the change happen without their cooperation. But I had no where else to turn, and so I turned to the program and the people in it who were working the steps in their life and had what I wanted. Slowly I began to trust, follow the programs suggested steps of recovery, and experienced the most amazing rewards.

Give it a try, get to an alanon meeting and allow your own healing to begin. It worked for me!
Patty