I need any input that may help. I have been in recovery for almost 12 years. For the 12 years I have been actively going to meetings, and involved in almost every area of service that I can think of. The past 6 months or so, I have lost interest in attending meetings, my thinking is negative, I want to sleep all the time, nothing seems to interest me, I left my job in social work, I just have no joy. It seems like the world is just passing me by, and I am feeling apathetic. Is this depression? I was diagnosed 5 years ago with manic depressive by a specialist. But I never really saw any type of pattern. I never really believed the diagnosis because I have always seemed to balance out. I always have been a very upbeat, very active, very positive, and an extremely grateful person. Has any one else ever had this experience? It just isn't me. I am baffled. I continue to push myself to go to meetings, and get out of bed, and do what I can but things are such a struggle. It seems to take everything out of me just to get through the day. I have worked the steps and continue to do so, but I am totally confused. It seems as if my life just totally dropped out from underneath me. I really have no interest in anything. I have been through many difficult things in recovery including my fathers cancer, many deaths, health problems, and have always maintained some sanity and some type of underlying hope and cheerfulness through it all. I do not feel depressed as people explain. Do you have to feel depressed to be depressed? I just want my life back. I know that I have been going through some major health problems for about a year, so things have changed, but I just don't feel like I am "living." I am only enduring life not enjoying it. Please tunnel some input, if you have any. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Still Gr8fl2dy, just a little frightened or perhaps confused. HELP!
I don't think I can offer any help other than to say your words "enduring not enjoying" describes my situation. I too am a happy upbeat person by nature and I want that back. I don't know if just signing up tonight means I'm in AA, but I've been drinking and smoking pot all day everyday for the last ten years. Two weeks ago I lost my business (not due to my addictions) and my dog of 12yrs.
Christmas eve I decided I had to make a change. So I'm sober for 4 days now. Believe it or not I'm doing okay so far without beer or pot but I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. I used to love waking up so I could start getting high and buzzed. Now I have to start a new career and chances are I'll never earn the kind of money I was making. So I'm pretty depressed about everything, not just the past 4 days but over the last 3yrs as I began to realize I wan't the guy I used to be or wanted to be. The only real happiness I got over the past few years was helping out my parents financially and now that's over.
Since Keena (my dog) passed away, I haven't wanted to leave my house. I lay on the couch all day watching TV and waiting for things to get better. So far it's not working. I try to stay up as late as possible but I still wake up early in the AM and that's not helping either.
I'm sorry but just writing this makes me want to go buy some beer. I think I should stop. I thought it might help one of us but now I'm not so sure. Best wishes to you.
If you have recently stopped using booze, and/or pot, it is not uncommon to experience all kinds of up and down emotions. It's a real rollercoaster, but it gets better with each passing day/week/month. Couple that with a couple of really negative experiences, and you have the right ingredients for a doozy of a depression.
If you haven't been using for several years, and are experiencing depression, particularly if you have already been diagnosed as manic/depressive (as I am, in a mild form), either you are might be in need of something for the chemical imbalance in the brain, or the prescription you are already on may not be adequate.
In both cases, the very best advice I could offer, is to get to a professional ASAP (your MD or a drug/alcohol counsellor), for help with this. There IS help.
And, don't give up! Keep coming back here, make it to some meetings, and talk to others who share this common problem with alcohol/drugs.
Hi gr8tfl, I agree with Dan, here's why; I have a sister that was diagnosed manic/dep about 6 yrs ago, she shook her head "no way" and went about life. About 2 months ago, she went off the "deep end". Bottom line, we were told her condition has progressed, just like any other illness can do. She's now on meds of some sort, dealing with it and moving on with her life as best she can.
I've been sober almost 5 months now, and in the beginning all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't "feel" depressed. But I had to MAKE myself go to work, hell! just showering was a chore and if I had a day off you could bet there wasn't a thing gonna be done by me but hold down the sofa! I still have those days, but they're becoming less frequent. Now, I'm experiencing what it's like not to be able to sleep. I saw my MD and his diagnosis, Depression! He wanted to put me on Zoloft, I declined, decided I can medicate myself with meetings, more meetings, BB, prayer, calling my sponsor and not drinking again today < JUST FOR ME > if I find this doesn't help after a while, maybe I'll try the meds.
Toothpick, WELCOME. I'm so glad you're here. Let me say this to you, Change is hard, even when changing is for the best. Alcohol will KILL you and it's a very painful, sad, un-necessary death, I've seen it. So, If you have the desire to stop drinking, find yourself an AA meeting, look them up in your local phone book and give them a call, they'll be happy to help you if you ask. Since you're not doing anything else these days, it certainly can't hurt to give it a try. It really does get better........
Good luck and God Bless you both.
Keep coming, keep posting.
This too shall pass.
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 09:15, 2005-12-29
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
For my Children's sake and mine too, I take my meds. When I get nuts O, I get wacked. I do not harm any one except myself. it got worse as I got older. I was not diagnosed with bi-polar until last year,but have been seeing someone for what ever was wrong with me for many years now. I know the feeling of trudging through the day,but actually just wanting to sleep. I just has something like that a few weeks ago and Had to have my meds change. It's no fun swiming through life in a murky ocean. At any rate the meds do help me and I'm not exactly "manic",but am happy and have more energy. Go to your doctor and they know best how to help you. No one should have to live depressed. And meetings are not going to help if your diagnosed bi-polar. I know without medication, I have made a fool of myself at meetings because I was so sick in the head. I do the same thing for my mental health as I would do for my sobriety and thats doing everything I can for it. Mental health also has triggers I found out just like being sober has it triggers.
It's good you came here first to seek solutions. If we are here, it's because we are alcoholics.
My solution for you is to seek the medical help you need right now! Don't wait until the point of no return. This manic-depression stuff is nothing to play around with.
Ditto to most of what you are going through, I lost my best friend of 15 /12 years. A little persian cat that was like a little puppy. She developed a large cancerous tumor, and I had to go thourgh the process of holding her and having her put to sleep. Thats what the called it, but there was a part of me that felt like, well Annie, I'm taking you somewhere, where they will relieve the pain, and then kill you. it all happend in a couple of days I WAS definitely NOTpreparred for that one. Life threw me a curveball that BROKE my Heart. Just like you, I am having a lot sleep disturbances.
I have to run now, I'll be away, from my computer. So, just try to take it one minute at a time today,
I'm living in a new area, am not connecting well in the program here, and it is scarry,
but this forum is HELPING me fill in the really hard times, taking up my time and reminding me that I am not alone. And you are not alone either. Try to remember that, I am, and we are here for you. I have only joined 9 days ago, and already feel very much a part of.
I will write tonite, when I get home, and remember that Misery is alway Refundable. I personally go back in my head to those days of incomphrehensible demoralization, and always come up with, "Things don't look so bad, from that Prespective". Just personally, I do believe for my variety of Alcoholism , I would rather me 6 feet under, before I go back to using.
I don't want to take up gr8fl2dy's thread, but I would like to thank everyone for their posts. I've been on the site most of this morning and though I can't tell if it's good for me or not, I do appreciate everyone's words of encouragement to one another.
I found the phone number to a local AA meeting, but I haven't called to see when the next meeting is yet. Alot of the posts I read brought up tears and I don't know why. I don't want that to happen in public.
Toni, one of your posts mentioned cleaning your house (literally) and helping someone else. That is what I'm gonna go do now. I haven't touched the dishes in week. My brain is just scrambled right now and maybe that'll help.
gr8fl, thank you for starting this thread. I hope you can find some happiness today.
wow, the thread did get kinda complicated, with so many stories in it. It seems that most of us have or are going through some hard times,, times that make it really rough to go on. Like 'hitting the wall' and just having to admit that there really is something missing in our lives.
gr8fl - Sometimes depression just feels 'flat', like no feeling at all. But we are not in a position to diagnose you, and they are right who are suggesting that you get yourself soon to a professional who is qualified to make a diagnosis and to treat you. I have mixed feelings about meds, and really prefer to try to go without them as much as possible, but then sometimes we really need some kind of med and then we should really take them, but even then I keep them to the minimum necessary. The manic end of being bipolar can seem more pleasant, if it is not extreme, having all that energy and feeling 'up', kind of like buzzed. Meetings will help you even if you are bipolar, cuz a lot of us have dual diagnoses,, but they will help you even more if you are taking care of your total self.
toothpick - congratulations on 4 days sober! If you've been getting high everyday for 10 years and it's been the center of your life,, a lifestyle,, then it sure would be 'different' to not do the things you've been doing. but learning new things is good! and I'm glad you're here. If you find a local face2face group of AA you'll find other people who are also learning a new, sober, lifestyle. When I first came into the rooms, I was also concentrating on not doing what I'd been doing, and didn't know what else to do. But as I did learn new skills I was kind of amazed and glad. I got a '24 hour a day' little black book, that has a thought for the day in it, and got busy with the '12 Steps and 12 Traditions' book, and going to meetings. I began to realize I was getting freed up from the old schtick so that I could get into some better stuff - life. It sounds like you hve some real reasons to feel really sad and grieve. That is not the same as depression. You are making some serious adjustments and those are seriously stressful. You said that in thinking about it to write your post it makes you want to get some beer,, that is the 'self-medicating' thing. We don't want to feel bad. But for really sad and difficult things, sometimes they say 'the only way out is through'. Please feel free to continue to share with us how things are going, and to talk about how you feel and what you think,, that is part of working it through.
Doll - sounds like that after you got off of the roller coaster of the alcoholic lifestyle you kind of 'crashed' and needed to rest a bit. Then you did what we called 'act as if', which means that even tho we don't feel it we do what is right,, and later we start being glad for it and it becomes more 'real' or sincerely done. Sometimes life just be's like dat.
Some people drink because of depression. It is what we call self-medicating, and when we stop drinking the depression shows and then we need to get it treated in a way that is more appropriate than alcohol. Part of treating depression is to change our 'stinking thinking', as most of the time it is found that depressed people do a lot of negative thinking, and it becomes a vicious cycle. That was true for me, and my family. Part of my healing of depression has been to really make an effort to change my stinking thinking to more positive thinking, and that has helped a lot.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
