This is something I am learning to not expect. For an alcoholic, it's pretty common to want it. Or to expect instantaneous results, or an external response or sign of a job well done. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt as though they are somehow not cutting it in terms of AA or sobriety. I've had an interesting week. Today I went to a meeting I swore I'd never step foot in again, because I didn't feel welcome. I havent been to this meeting in about 2 months. It's the meeting I got sober at- I used to go 3 or 4 times a week to this meeting. I went for the first 6 months of sobriety- when I was still very physically ill from detox and years of malnutrition. These guys saw me sit through silent panic attacks- too scared to open my mouth and visibly shaking. I never spoke a WORD at this meeting. Though I'd never really 'connected' with any of these guys, I missed them. I felt I knew them, because I hung on every word they said for months. So I go today- don't really know why, I just felt compelled to. Feeling anxious beforehand, I was surprised to see how happy they were to see me. For months I thought all these guys didn't want me around (ego? Fear? Anxiety? Self loathing? Thinking its all about me? All of these things and more contributed to this paranoia). I felt at home- the self conciousness had left me. It was strange. I sat next to a guy I thought I hated, only to discover I don't really have hatred in me any longer. For today. I feel, well...happy- at ease with myself. How strange. I really didn't think I would ever feel that way. I'm ok as imperfect as I am.
-- Edited by Col on Friday 25th of January 2013 09:05:53 PM
Col, this recovery process that we go through is totally transforming. Chances are you'll start to like things that you never have and get tired of other things that your were obsessed about. Of course there are interests that will remain. Best not to hold on to rigid thinking and "old ideas". And remember we're all bozos on this bus. We all think we're the odd man out and that folks must be talking bad about us lol. Truth is that we're all so damn self centered we typically don't think about others enough at all. :P When people in the program say something that I don't care for I remind myself that I probably once thought or felt the way that they do. I remember when I was whining almost non-stop and I was getting tired of hearing my own voice, and there were sober people pretending to listen to me, and they would just grin and nod their head and not comment. later it would dawn on me that their passive manner was neither approval or disapproval. This only left me to sort it and I could hear the tape of my ridiculousness playing over and over in my head with no one else's comentary. It was powerful and I grew quickly. Since the time that I learned how to talk, it seemed that I liked to argue "facts" with others. I came to realize that I was looking for approval for my "vast knowledge" when that I was doing was causing people to avoid me. It's so nice now to just smile and nod my head, in apparent ignorance. :P
Loved your post Col ... ... ... I was just going to say that the quicker we resolve our dislike (hate, anger, whatever) for others whether perceived, or real, the quicker we heal ... we have no use for those feelings any more and they are a danger to us ... so I was actually thrilled that you went through with actually returning to a group that on first contact may not have represented who they really are ... that scenario happened to me a lot in early recovery ... hang in there, you're doing just fine ... progress, not perfection ...
Yeah, the problem turned out to be me, not them ... Ha!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
When I came into AA..I was in no more than a week..this guy had a problem..So I raised my hand and suggested he read Maxwell Maltz's PsycoCybernetics..that would solve his problem..He was new like me.. Patsy M. who later became one of my sponsors..rolled her eyes and said..you are new aren't you..It's that kind of thinking that got you here..I would strongly suggest you listen and learn..I liked and respected Patsy so I did..I grew spiritually enough to want to learn and also to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth
After the meeting myself and a few newcomers always got together at the King's Rook, a coffee house, and it seemed we talked AA all night..things that we learned. I had 72 days and the first guy I tried to help Bruce Hill..I'd pick him up and take him to meetings..blew his brains out..an injured Viet Nam Viet who had just returned stateside.. His wife left him..I still remained quiet..After 90 days it was Easter Sunday 1974..I was asked to chair the meeting..
Why.. I finally had something to say worthwhile..I could tell someone newer than me, and the Marblehead Ma. group how I stayed sober the past 3 months..
That's how it works..New comers have nothing to say..just alcoholic thinking..or looking for someone to feel more sorry for them than they do for themselfs..AA is not about the illness but the solution... newcomer waisting everyone's time with stinking thinking..wait till AFTER the meeting.
It's Principles above Personalities..The meetings don't change ...We do....So we oldtimes never forget when we were newcomers..and the reason we are oldtimes is we know what works..
Only by the Grace of God..If it was some ugly guy instead of Patsy who told me to shut up..i might have told him to go thwoof off, got up , out the door to the nearest bar...so we also need to be careful.
Tomas, when I was in my first year of sobriety I was getting organized to start my own deck construction business (the one I'm still in 24 years later ). I knew that there were a bunch of skills that I needed to acquire (sales, accounting, bookeeping, prospecting, public speaking, and some motivational references...). I wanted to buy a Tony Robins series but I didn't have the cash. So I prayed that I would find someone to loan them to me. About a week later I was in southern california staying with a good friend on Hermosa Beach. I went for a walk which began and ended by walking down an alley (he lived in a garage apartment). On the way back I noticed his next door neighbor (HP put this as close as he could for me) had put a cardboard box about 2 feet cubed out for trash but right next to the stairs leading up to my friends apartment. The top of the box was open and I saw the box was packed full of cassette tapes. I initially thought that I could record music over these cassettes for my car but when I got up to my friends apartment and pulled the tapes out, they were all motivational materials and business skill instructional tapes. Exactly what I needed. Tomas, also in this box was a PsycoCybernetics for winners tape. And amazing recording, I still have it. It spoke about goal seeking and the brains automatic goal seeking mechanism. We are task oriented beings, problem is that if no goals are inputed, nothing happens. Imho, this is one of the root causes of depression, when nothing happens. You want gratification? Write down your goals, then write "things to do lists" every morning. Watch what happens in just 6 months.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 26th of January 2013 09:45:27 AM
So Col when I read your post, my first thought was, sounds like she's moving on in her program to me, whether or not she realizes it. I was thinking about how you shared just a couple of days ago the frustration of not feeling the release you thought you would from doing your 5th step. It is sometimes in the little things, such as being able to get out of our own way, able to see where we may have been judgemental, own it, and let it go, that we see the benefits of the process. That's what i heard in your post. Keep up the good work, and thanks for showing me how it's done.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
). I knew that there were a bunch of skills that I needed to acquire (sales, accounting, bookeeping, prospecting, public speaking, and some motivational references...). I wanted to buy a Tony Robins series but I didn't have the cash. So I prayed that I would find someone to loan them to me. About a week later I was in southern california staying with a good friend on Hermosa Beach. I went for a walk which began and ended by walking down an alley (he lived in a garage apartment). On the way back I noticed his next door neighbor (HP put this as close as he could for me) had put a cardboard box about 2 feet cubed out for trash but right next to the stairs leading up to my friends apartment. The top of the box was open and I saw the box was packed full of cassette tapes. I initially thought that I could record music over these cassettes for my car but when I got up to my friends apartment and pulled the tapes out, they were all motivational materials and business skill instructional tapes. Exactly what I needed. Tomas, also in this box was a PsycoCybernetics for winners tape. And amazing recording, I still have it. It spoke about goal seeking and the brains automatic goal seeking mechanism. We are task oriented beings, problem is that if no goals are inputed, nothing happens. Imho, this is one of the root causes of depression, when nothing happens. You want gratification? Write down your goals, then write "things to do lists" every morning. Watch what happens in just 6 months.