As the time slips through my fingers like sand, I slowly forget the horrors of living in an alcoholic prison.
A short time ago, that feels like forever ago, I was acutely aware that I should either be dead or in prison. Today, that's a small voice in the far back corner of my mind instead of a booming siren that propels me into gratitude for each sober breath I take... and for each morning cup filled with tea instead of beer.
Oh yes, I'm a real alcoholic. Just as real as ever before, however time has given me a little reprieve from the stinging newness that kept me floating on cloud nine, and now... I am realizing what people say when they report they need the newcomer to remind them what it was like.
I guess I've passed into that now... and my memory is not sufficient any longer. I need to breath in that baby smell of fresh recovery to get that smile of gratitude that jolts me back to a place I never ever want to be.
Does this disqualify me from being a newcomer myself? If so... am I an old timer? I don't think I can be an old timer yet ; ) I'm not ready!!!
What's in between new and old?
Today I suppose.
So today I continue on the journey. I go to meetings to meet people - makes sense lol. I want to meet newcomers who can revitalize my recovery in a single breath. Those big scared eyes looking out at us... and seeing the relief when they take the hand extended to them.
I want to meet the old timers who never fail to reveal more.
I need to keep meeting up with other alcoholics like myself, or I will just fade slowly back into the disease I was born with. My soul will just slip away as the sands of time through my finger tips.
It isn't a small price to pay to HAVE TO go to a meeting or be here with you tonight - especially you newcomers - and share recovery with you. It's a privilege that I have been chosen for recovery. I GET TO be here tonight - and I am so grateful for you all.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 10:59:19 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Tasha, ... your Library room is showing signs of needing expansion ... or maybe we call it your 'shop' since we use the 'tools' analogy ...
I remember one of my close buddies in the program coming up to me after my two year mark, he said congrats, now you're an 'old timer' ... I don't know what constitutes being an 'old timer' except that .... ... ... well, I am getting old .... and next month will be the 5 year mark for me ... but I still like the idea, that today is all any of us have ... today is the day that counts ... I woke up sober this morning, and I'm still sober tonight ... that's what means the most to me right this minute ...
Your post reminds me of an article I think I still have in archive ... if I can lay fingers on it, I think it appropriate to reprint it in your thread here ... give me a few minutes ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It isn't a small price to pay to HAVE TO go to a meeting or be here with you tonight - especially you newcomers - and share recovery with you. It's a privilege that I have been chosen for recovery. I GET TO be here tonight - and I am so grateful for you all.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 10:59:19 PM
I found it ... just thought that here in your post was a perfect time to re-post this:
WHY WE WERE CHOSEN
God in His wisdom selected this group of men and women to be the purveyors of His goodness. In selecting them through whom to bring about this phenomenon He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant. He went instead to the humble, to the sick, to the unfortunate. He went right to the drunkard, the so-called weakling of the world. Well might He have said to us:
Unto your weak and feeble hands I have entrusted a power beyond estimate. To you has been given that which has been denied the most learned of your fellows. Not to scientists or statesmen, not to wives or mothers, not even to my priests or ministers have I given this gift of healing other alcoholics which I entrust to you.
It must be used unselfishly; it carries with it grave responsibility. No day can be too long; no demands upon your time can be too urgent; no case be too pitiful; no task too hard; no effort too great. It must be used with tolerance for I have restricted its application to no race, no creed, and no denomination. Personal criticism you must expect; lack of appreciation will be common; ridicule will be your lot; your motives will be misjudged. You must be prepared for adversity, for what men call adversity is the ladder you must use to ascend the rungs toward spiritual perfection, and remember, in the exercise of this power I shall not exact from you beyond your capabilities.
You are not selected because of exceptional talents, and be careful always, if success attends your efforts, not to ascribe to personal superiority that to which you can lay claim only by virtue of my gift. If I had wanted learned men to accomplish this mission, the power would have been entrusted to the physician and scientist. If I had wanted eloquent men, there would have been many anxious for the assignment, for talk is the easiest used of all talents with which I have endowed mankind. If I had wanted scholarly men, the world is filled with better qualified men than you who would be available. You were selected because you have been the outcasts of the world and long experience as drunkards has made or should make you humbly alert to the cries of distress that come from the lonely hearts of alcoholics everywhere.
Keep ever in mind the admission you made on the day of your profession in AA -- namely that you are powerless and that it was only with your willingness to turn your life and will unto my keeping that relief came to you.
Author Unknown (Anonymous)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tasha, I am sure if you sit and think about what it was like to be a drunk...what it was like and how horrible your last relapse was and the humiliation you felt...it will give you shivers. You haven't forgotten. I think we forget what it feels like to "be intoxicated" and that is the obsession. Cuz if there was a way to feel drunk without us "being drunks" that seems lke it would be cool for a minute (essentially the delusion we all chased for years). I have trouble remembering what being drunk felt like exactly...after close to 4 and a half years. I have not forgotten how awful that period of my life was and the direct damage caused by alcohol and myself while under the influence.
As far as not being a total newcomer anymore. Well, the great thing about recovery is revelations will alway hit you from time to time, just like you are a newcomer all over again. It's sort of weird to not be as much in the newcomer category...but the more time that passes the more it will strike you as amazing grace that somehow your HP selected you to be the survivor...part of that minority of folks that acheive long term sobriety. That is humbling but amazingly awesome. And you will just work your program harder to keep it and to give it away to others.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
