New to the Group

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

New to the Group

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Take a look at this site...It answers a lot of questions...I like what they say about fear.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/First_AA_Meeting.html

We all were terrified of our first meeting...And we only have one first meeting...I don't know about these other people...But I left my first meeting and I knew I was home.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 05:33:37 PM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I would really like to hear from Tasha right about now ... Mom2S, ... Tasha very nearly wrote exactly what you did very nearly a year ago ...

I'd like for you to hear her story about her first week sober ... she can relate to what you're feeling dead spot on ... Hey Tasha!

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 05:46:46 PM

Mom2Samalways · Member

Hello everyone,

I am new to the Group, I have been Sober since 1/19/2013 with the help of my family & certainly by the Grace of God. I am not new to Alcoholism, but am now chosing to overcome my demons and am so sick of being a slave to it. I have caused so much damage to myself and my family, but yet they still love me. It really just amazes me. I drank so much and had all of my hiding "routines" down that it is so hard to focus on changing those habits. I am trying to change my focus on my health instead & pour all my love onto my family to try to repair the damage.

Just wondering if anyone else still feels "guilt" for damage done or shame after months/years of sobriety, and how do you overcome that part of it? even though Grace is shown abundantly...

Thank you all for your time.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP Mom2S, ... ... ... glad you found us ... Congrats on 3 days, that's a good start ...

Sounds like you've completed the 1st step ... 11 to go ...

You didn't mention whether or not you've been to an AA meeting ... We highly recommend you go to 90 meetings in 90 days, more if you can ... we also recommend you find a sponsor, this is a guide to help you work the 12 steps of AA ... they should be female for reasons that should be obvious ... guys stick with guys ...

Be sure to get a Big Book ... that's a book called 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and it should be available 'at cost' at most meetings ... be sure to read the 1st 164 pages as soon as you can ... and see if you can identify with anything that is said there ... if so, you're in the right place ...

To make this change you want, you must make it your top priority in life right now ... family will necessarily come second for a while ... because is if this is not your top priority at this point, you'll find it unnecessarily hard to stay sober ... Once you've been around and built a good sober foundation to your program, then you can go and start spending more time with family ... (I think you'll find you have no family unless you are sober ... if you still have family, you're lucky ... we'll tell you how best to keep them ...

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Oh, you asked about the 'guilt' thing ... ... that will of course vary with the individual, but we are given the tools to deal with such things when we work the steps ... the key to being rid of guilt is to work the steps with 'total honesty' ... most of us have a horrible past, but we've learned to accept it whether we get forgiveness for our part or not ... the 'spiritual' teachings of this program are outstanding, no religion involved ... so feel free to be you, a new you, one that can see a new journey ahead ... we're right here with you every step of the way ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hello and Welcome to MIP!

here is an online link to the program (pg.59 third edition of Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous) www.aa.org. As suggested WE do this work with a sponsor(another alcoholic who has knowledge of working and applying the Solution into all areas of their own lives.)We also suggest making meetings and listening to learn and learning to listen...Let is know how you make out,hope to hear more from you..We realize that putting down the substance is just the begining of the healing.More is revealed as you work the the process... smile

ChristineG · Senior Member

Welcome!

I am only 30 days in and already some of my shame and guilt is starting to lift. I don't know why or how. I just keep going to meetings and embracing the program.

Col · MIP Old Timer

Welcome

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! Glad to have you here with us. Jump into AA with both feet. Like the others have said; Meetings, Sponsor, Steps, HP & Service. Unity- Service- Recovery!

For me, the guilt and shame lessened when they told me I had a disesase and did not choose to be an Alcoholic. I came in thinking it was a moral issue. I learned the hard way it wasn't a matter of choice. We are sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying to get good. Also, by surrendering and starting your journey, you're making amends now to you and those around you. They're called living or daily amends. By working at change! The remaining guilt and shame was removed after completion of The Steps.

Now, I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. My past is now my experience, I can share it with others to be helpful. The greatest asset we have in life is our EXPERIENCE. We must share it to have it be of any use!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

This program is all about change....You work those steps with a sponsor to guide you....You will change. Try out a few meetings, meet some amazing people...That have been where you are....And they want to see you get better. You can't find a better deal in town....And it's free. I'm glad you are here.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! I don't think you'd be human if you didn't feel some shame and guilt! We start living a better life by going to meetings and learning everything there is to learn about recovery. We stick to it even when it gets tough - no matter what - we put ourselves and our sobriety first until we can get to the root of our problems and work them through with the steps and a good sponsor. It was really hard for me to leave my little children (3 & 5) behind when I went to 90 meetings in 90 days - but I was no Mom at all when I was drinking anyway. I had to take that one hour per day for a meeting, and I had to do the other things suggested to me too - like reading the big book and doing the steps.

Now I am a REAL mom with much happier kids - (almost 4 & 6) and they understand when I look at them before I go and still to this day a year later say "I'm going to a meeting because I love you, and myself, and I want to be the best Mommy for you". It might be corny - but I've been doing it for a year now, and they eat it up every time : )

The best thing is - I really am doing the best I can, and I don't have to yell and scream at them anymore... and I don't have to drink anymore when I don't even want to.

Some days they still cry when I leave (like today) but I know it's what's best for everyone... and some days... honestly... I still feel guilt for what I put them through. But I don't have to stay stuck in it, and I don't have to drink over it. I can know that without everything that I've been through, I wouldn't have the wonderful life beyond what I could have dreamed possible without alcohol 10 months ago. We're all still here, and we're all still learning and doing the best we know how today... just like the days I drank. I didn't know how not to drink then... but AA taught me how not to drink... and SO MUCH MORE!

Keep us posted on your progress... sounds like you're in the right place, and we're so glad you're here and on your way to a better life!

Tasha

Mom2Samalways · Member

Thank you so much everyone for the support. I have been sick all day and the guilt I believe is making me even more sick thinking about it. I think mostly shame too. The fact that everyone "knows" is very upseting. But freeing as well, you may know what I mean, secrets can devour you. I am trying to keep my self motivated to continue for me & my boys. I really want to be the example that they need now and for the rest of our lives.

I too have school-age children and believe I have taken so much time away from them already, how can I possibly taken another hour a day (after work) away? I am also fearful about going to a meeting. How can I possibly be accepted when they may know what I have been doing?? It sounds like you guys all know too well what drinking from the time you wake up til the time you pass out at night must be like. I have been reading about the meetings online, I know I need to go just now sure if I can get enough guts to go, and to be honest about how bad things have been & how much change in my life I really want...

your words are very encouraging, maybe I should try one tonight or tomorrow...I looked at the choices all weekend and couldn't decide if I should actually go close to home, would there really be people like me?

Marge · Veteran Member

Hiya mom2s im also new to this im 18 days sober and it is scary!!! I to have 2 small boys aged 3 & 4 and i too feel the guilt & shame about myself when i was drinking,like Tasha said we werent mums when we was drinking anyway!!! Taking the first step by going to a meeting will be scary but all the people in AA will welcome you with open arms,they have the tools and experiance to help us. Im glad you found this forum,it has been such a blessing for me and i use it daily.Keep coming back,xx

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Glad you're here too Marge...Congrats on 18 days...That's fantastic...If you like what you are getting...Keep doing what you are doing!

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Welcome!

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Welcome M2S,

Keep in mind that you are a sick person and not a bad one. After a while you'll realise that the sober you - the real you - wouldn't have done those things that you feel guilty about. That's when I started to heal.

gonee · MIP Old Timer

Welcome.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hmmmm... are there really people like you? Well... here's a dab of things I've done... hope this helps you feel like you're not the worst ever.

Here goes:

I have set food out on the counter KNOWING that I might pass out at some point and my toddlers in my care wouldn't be able to get their own food.

I have drank when I didn't want to, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to stop once I started, and started anyway, even though I swore I wouldn't to myself, to my husband after he caught wind of my alcohol use, and to my kids because they had no clue what I was talking about but I thought it might help - and I was desperate to stop and had no clue it was possible. No clue it was a disease. No clue I was sick and not HORRIBLY evil and unable to love.

I have driven my kids in a black out.

I have taught music lessons drunk.

I have performed music drunk.

I have drank at 6am in the morning and continued until night.

I have drank in my closet, and hid wine in the floofy part of my wedding dress.

I have hid bottles of wine in my washing machine and hung out in the laundry room drinking while my family was on the other side of the door clueless. For months.

I have drank instead of going to family functions.

I have lied to everyone I know about my drinking and hid it from my own parents and brothers and sisters and friends... and the world.

I have drank myself into the hospital. I have spent 20 days in jail when I was 23 for 2 dwi's in a matter of months.

Hmmmm... that's the tip of the ice berg. I'm sure anything else you've done... I done it - or worse ; ) But this is no competition... it's just a result of untreated alcoholism.

Today - I don't have to do those kind of things anymore. I have a choice regarding alcohol. I have the ability to be the person I was meant to be, and not the drunk who just keeps doing stupid things never understanding why. I'm free of the chains of addiction, and there is freedom waiting for you too. Put you and your recovery ahead of everything for a while, even your kids. They deserve the real you - and so do you : )

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Welcome mom! You are not alone. You would be so welcome at a meeting. I know it's a scary proposition. I will tell you that at 4 years sober, the hardest part from me was just getting to that first meeting. Since then, I just did what they told me and it keeps getting better and better!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Mom2Samalways wrote:
Thank you so much everyone for the support. I have been sick all day and the guilt I believe is making me even more sick thinking about it. I think mostly shame too. The fact that everyone "knows" is very upseting. But freeing as well, you may know what I mean, secrets can devour you. I am trying to keep my self motivated to continue for me & my boys. I really want to be the example that they need now and for the rest of our lives.

I too have school-age children and believe I have taken so much time away from them already, how can I possibly taken another hour a day (after work) away? I am also fearful about going to a meeting. How can I possibly be accepted when they may know what I have been doing?? It sounds like you guys all know too well what drinking from the time you wake up til the time you pass out at night must be like. I have been reading about the meetings online, I know I need to go just now sure if I can get enough guts to go, and to be honest about how bad things have been & how much change in my life I really want...

your words are very encouraging, maybe I should try one tonight or tomorrow...I looked at the choices all weekend and couldn't decide if I should actually go close to home, would there really be people like me?

We all had to face our 1st meeting Mom2S, ... you don't have to share in the meeting, just sit and listen ... that's all ... we are not a religion nor cult or anything like that ... we are a family of alcoholics that understand one another like no other people on earth ... we do practice a spirituality that is pretty easy for anyone to come to accept ...

Go a couple of times and let us know your experience and feel free to ask us any questions you like ...

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Mom2s,

We are here to help and support you! Our first order of business is to get ourseleves well so we can be of benefit to ourseleves, our families and others.

The best thing you can do is take some time to work on yourself. You may want to contact the local AA central office in your area and they can give you some people to talk with and maybe meet at a AA meeting if that will make you more comfortable.

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

pinkchip wrote:
Welcome mom! You are not alone. You would be so welcome at a meeting. I know it's a scary proposition. I will tell you that at 4 years sober, the hardest part from me was just getting to that first meeting. Since then, I just did what they told me and it keeps getting better and better!

This is so true, and I echo PC's sentiments (except for the 4 years sober part. I hope to get there!). The hardest step was setting foot in that first meeting. But everyone was so welcoming and so many things I heard I kept thinking 'me too' and 'it's like she's reading my mind'. I felt this overwhelming sense of relief that I just didn't have to go through this on my own anymore. There are a bunch of wonderful people just waiting to help you.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

My husband told my whole family and his whole family that I am an alcoholic when I started. No one except my Mother knew - and she figured it out having lived with an alcoholic husband (my dad) for 15 yrs. So it was a real shock to everyone. In some ways - for me - it was a relief that it wasn't a secret anymore. But mostly, in the beginning, I was mortified and angry. I was crippled with anxiety and guilt. As each day went on, that lessened.

My side of the family has been very supportive from day 1. I am so grateful they attempt to understand and love me through it all. My dad, still active in alcoholism, has always been, and still is to this day, the first to tell me that alcoholism doesn't exsist, and anyone can control their drinking. As long as you go to work the next day - you should drink if you're stressed... Bla bla bla - all the things my head tells me too - as an alcoholic.

My husbands family have not been supportive. That has been, and still is a struggle - however - NOT worth drinking over!

Everything in sobriety isn't easy or instantly better... but we learn how to handle and cope with anything that the days bring.

My in laws are just doing the best they know how. It just so happens to not be the best thing in MY opinion - and just yesterday, my husband told me that they STILL - after all this time - believe that drinking for me was/is a choice! Hrmf.... not music to my ears... but sometimes what others think of me is none of my business anyway. I can, and have made the choice to keep my distance from them for now, and that's the best thing for my sobriety, and it doesn't matter if they understand that - it only matters that I understand that, and that I continue to put my sobriety above everything else.

-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 23rd of January 2013 03:04:56 PM

lady eli · Senior Member

Dear One! Welcome! Do you feel how all the A.A.'s rally, to surround, support and help? THIS is A.A.! Helping you, helps US! (You'll see how later).....We all know that accusing look, in the eyes of the witnesses, "How COULD you? HOW COULD YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?" I have not had to see THAT horrifying look, for a great many years! If sobriety is first (and we GET to do all the "suggestions" ie. 90 in 90 face to face meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, service...) we arrive at a place, where we get to amend the harm we have done.....AMENDS equal freedom, from that terrible gnawing guilt that you feel.....If you really really want freedom...the first part is to STAY CLEAN/SOBER no matter what.......the rest will be shown to you...One Day at a Time! Bless you and KEEP COMING BACK! PLEAAAAZZZZZE smile !