I don't even understand what that could possibly mean for over 1 year, and all at once the fog sloooowly begins to lift.
How can I not be my identity? That was always how I blew that phrase off and kept myself from really caring or wondering what more could be revealed.
I am sober - so this is my sober identity. Simple as that???
Now I get to know, a little bit, that there is still a me under the layers of recovery, that does not live eat and breath recovery. There is still a hurt child who can chose to no longer dwell in it. There is still the Mother who decides not to fret over fretting, so as to ruin yet another perfectly good moment in time. There is still the wife who has not learned how to slow down and let go... let God be right... not me... not how I do it... not even how I fold the towels with no edges. I am not better than - because there are less rough edges.
I am not right, because I have tied up loose ends -this way- and not that.
So, what am I, if I am not all right?
I just am.
I marched into choir practice tonight, and there is a buzz in the room. People are just happy to be there. They are excited. They burst out laughing at the weakest mumble of a joke, and it's just amazing to be with a room full of really blastin happy normies. Those dorky kids in class who are just awesomely happy even though they are total dorks. And I had to call them dorks so I don't have to feel the pain of "I wish I was that". It's an "oh... wow" moment about jr high and high school... even college.
I see these people and I at once feel uneasy again.... just like all the other years of my life.
Now that I have done nearly nothing but think about and chew on recovery for a year, even while drinking for the time in the beginning, it was my great hope (expectation), that I would burst into the room with buzzing frolicking friends surrounding me... leaping for joy at the slightest reason... sparkly eyes... bright white teeth smiles...
No. I was still the same. And this is my sober identity.
I am still me.
But it's okay.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 15th of January 2013 11:36:24 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Okay I had to read Pap's response three - no - four times to really get it and that is just me somewhat of a slow learner or slow getter or as professionals say it "Attention Deficit" disordered and I don't care cause I am also me and I am not afraid of being that and being a part of life at the same time...there I got it!! I like my sober identity because the fear is gone and I'm okay and still here standing and looking around at what I can be involved in. Thank you God...alot. (((hugs)))
When I was drinking I was whoever or whatever I needed to be for whatever situation I was in or what group of people I was with. When I began to get sober I had no idea who I really was. Through the steps and cleaning up my past I finally found my indenity, someone I could live with. I became comfortable in my own skin. Now I am who I am and people either like me or they don't. If you don't like me that's ok because I'm not going to change just to get you to like me. As long as I am living my life the way God intends me too I like who I am now.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
You are, as they say "Right where you're supposed to be" I takes time to grow into our sober identity. You've grown a lot and changed since you've been here. Sometimes it's hard to see it ourselves, but all of the sudden you feel like the old you, was somebody else.
but all of the sudden you feel like the old you, was somebody else.
Exactly ... ... ... good way to put it Dean ... I feel the 'old me' was a person with many different 'masks' ... when I drank, I was never sure of 'who' would show up ... today I'm comfortable in my own skin and all those old 'masks' have been buried ... oh, some try to come back on occasion, like Zombies, but with daily practice of the steps, I can keep them at bay ... LOL
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think the books by Bradshaw have made me see that even though I THOUGHT I did these super thorough steps... and that everything would be OK now... it is... I do not want to drink, so that is Ok... I just have SOOOOOOOOoo much other stuff to work on.
I can get stuck in wishing I wasn't born into the family I was. Why me? Has all of a sudden surfaced. I really never let that come out before. It just was - they were just doing the best they knew how - and that was it. There wasn't a whole lot more to it, and since it can't be changed, why dwell in it? But now I can not help but at least view it a little to work through some things, and as I do this, I begin to feel anger. Now I know that it's part of the spectrum of feelings, and I know now that it's "ok'', but I am not familiar with allowing it and in order to identify some things, I have to.
So it's as if I am back on step 4 all over again - a much deeper step 4 - and with a few more tools, and a little more confidence, but a lot more hurt and anger bubbling. I can't concentrate - I don't know what to do.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
As a result of doing the steps and of being sober for a prolonged period of time - You are a new person drastically different than who you were before. You are MUCH closer to who God meant you to be and THAT is now your sober identity :)
Yay!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi, " So it's as if I am back on step 4 all over again - a much deeper step 4 - and with a few more tools, and a little more confidence, but a lot more hurt and anger bubbling. I can't concentrate - I don't know what to do. " Just might be time to find a pen and piece of paper ? Toad
I can get stuck in wishing I wasn't born into the family I was. Why me? Has all of a sudden surfaced. I really never let that come out before. It just was - they were just doing the best they knew how - and that was it. There wasn't a whole lot more to it, and since it can't be changed, why dwell in it? But now I can not help but at least view it a little to work through some things, and as I do this, I begin to feel anger. Now I know that it's part of the spectrum of feelings, and I know now that it's "ok'', but I am not familiar with allowing it and in order to identify some things, I have to.
This sounds to me a little like what I used to do ... Why Me? ... why the family I got born into? ... why the events of my childhood, etc. ...
My sponsor would say, why not you? ... and he would also ask why am I being so analytical ... why must you know God methods and motives??? ... are you trying to 'understand' God? ... and if you did, would it change who you are? ... would it change your outlook? ...
Where is the anger directed at? ... is the anger because of circumstances? ... is it because of the persons in your family? ... is it because you weren't given the opportunity to chose the family you think would have been best for you? ...
All our life experiences have brought us to 'today' ... they have made us who we are 'today' ... we now have a set of tools to deal with anything that life may give us 'today' ... 'today' we have the freedom to focus our thoughts on anything we wish ... why would I allow anger to have any part in my life 'today'? ... I know how to deal with these things now ... so 'today' I am a part of life, not just a by-stander ...
I had to stop being THE judge of all things ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Get into trouble when you try to help???? I don't understand...
I stated:The only time I get into trouble is when I try to help Him/Her ... LOL
What I meant is I can get into trouble when I start writing out what I want to say rather than consider what it is God might want this person to hear ... (you know, thinking of myself rather than others)
P.S. Him/Her being God ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 17th of January 2013 09:22:19 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My sober identity is Reginald Suaveington. I'm an international playboy/underwear model by day and spy for Her Majesty's Secret Service by night. I solve crimes and thwart world domination attempts by evil villains by sneaking in to lavish gala affairs and seducing gargantuan busted women. I prefer chocolate milk to martinis and my scene ending catchphrase is "Thank you for the good time doll-face, now if you'll excuse me I have a pair of bikini briefs to stretch out." and then I fly away. Oh yeah, I can fly too :)
Hey Roger, I read your post on my phone yesterday and I do not like replying to anything on my phone so I almost forgot to say THANK YOU for that last reply (and all of them) but especially that last one really helped me get things straight in my mind so I could truly walk with God through another day. Thank you so much. I was very stuck again, but it's amazing how the right words are always sent my way if I just ask - and they were yours. Thank you thank you!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thank you for your kind words Tasha, ... ... ... Part of my daily morning prayer is for God to fill me with His/Her spirit and put the words and thoughts in my head so that what comes out of my fingertips will be 'inspirational' to others ... The only time I get into trouble is when I try to help Him/Her ... LOL
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I takes time to grow into our sober identity. You've grown a lot and changed since you've been here. Sometimes it's hard to see it ourselves, but all of the sudden you feel like the old you, was somebody else.