So, I just celebrated 5 months on December 31st. Woohoo! The real gift came soon after the New Year. My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. She was physically and mentally abused by my grandmother who is now 83. As a result I grew up similarly in a very abusive, aggressive, angry, scary environment. Here's what happened resently:
My mom texts me that my grandmother is angry that I didn't thank her for the gift she gave me at Christmas and that I didn't get her anything. She is angry because I do not go see her and call her often. Difficult to face an abuser and manipulator? Yes, it is. I have chosen to not have that in my life. So I don't go there no matter how hard. So, I get sick about the whole thing because I feel guilty followed by anger because I don't want to get sucked back into her madness. I talk to my mother in a phone call later that night. We shared all sorts of stories and talk it thru. We were never able to do this. After all I was the one who continuously called my mom drunk because I couldn't face my abuser. After talking awhile, my mom admitted that the she was sorry for the way I grew up. She said she should have gotten help. She told me is wasn't my fault. I was then able to tell her how scared I was most of the time. Well, the conversation went on and on. I think we were able to have a wonderfully healing moment. I never thought that would ever happen in my lifetime.
I would never have been able to do this before AA. The program has given me the beginnings of clarity and a relationship with a God of my understanding. I am so happy!
The 'healing moment' you described above is something I pray you have with your grandmother sometime in the near future ... it may be too soon now, but as we become stronger in the program, we can also face these more difficult situations and approach them in a calm, sane manner ... We approach that type scenario with 'forgiveness' of past events in our hearts and also with apologies for our own past actions or lack there-of ... This way, we are wiping the slate clean, starting over ...
There will be times that others, like your grandma, may not see our intent, and stay blind to the efforts we make to make ourselves 'whole' again ... that can occur and is unfortunate when it does ... just do as the program and steps suggest and you will have 'done your part' to make things right ... this will give you 'peace of mind' in knowing that you made the effort, regardless of how the other person accepts it or responds to it ...
Be the strong woman I know you can be, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Mich!! So good to hear from you and congrats on 5 months! Thank you for your share.. I can identify. I couldn't speak to my own mother for years unless I had 'drank my courage'.. It was always a very hollow relationship with an underlying hostility. I had great contempt and hatred for my mother. Although it still needs a lot of work, through AA I've learned that the work is possible. Facing your abuser is not at all easy, I agree. Sometimes it simply shouldn't be done. I'm so glad youre finding your way through this:) congrats again!
Really happy for you Kathy and congrats on the 5 months! That long already!!?? Time is starting to go faster. I love that you check in here and let us know how things are going : )
I had a moment today with my Mother. Not as profound as yours, but a small step in the right direction at least not letting her manipulate me and saying that it doesn't feel good for me, and wondered if it could possibly feel good for her? She was defensive and danced around it with lies, but I got my side of the street clean for one of the first times, and I'm feeling really great about it.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I forgive (have forgiven) personal abusers but I do not (no longer) go back for more---ever---no matter what and no matter how much anybody else wishes I would initiate some kind of approach to smooth things over for everybody else. It is up to the abuser to demonstrate change, if healing is to be sought as a participatory process in the abuser's relationship to my forgiveness and his or her self-forgiveness.
Glad you and your Mom were able to talk it out!! I wish I was able to have some of that communication with my Mom. It is sooooo hard for her to admit to anything being wrong in our upbringing or family. She would like us to believe that we had a Brady Bunch life, when it was more like a Long Days Journey into Night life. So if/when we discuss our family, she gets defensive, berates herself sarcastically and then shuts down any positive communication. Sooooooooooooooooo, good for you and your Mom.........thanks to sobriety and a healthy program!!
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