The last hour at work, all i could think about is that I wanted to kill off a 8 pack. I was really jonesing for a drink. I kept thinking how this time its ok. But then I started to think about this Ted talk I watched on happyness. And it talks about long term happyness verse short term. And that yeah sure I could get a drink and be happy for the hour before I crash, but then in the morning I will feel groggy and I have alot to do tommorw. And I started to think about the long term effects on how I will be more tired and mad at myself for drinking.
This converstation went back and forth with myself for quite awhile, and at one point I had myself convinced that I was going to. But in the end I went home and drank tea!
I had a few of those too, especially in the early days. I think maybe the pull was so strong because that was my life, I thought life happened only in my favourite bar and I longed to be there every waking moment in case I missed out on something. It took a while and a some step work for this obsession to be lifted.
Bu the thing that worried me most was when the book talks about no effective mental defense - the strange mental blank spot. I knew about that curse, it had got me drunk so many times against my will, and the book was telling me the only way around it was a complete psychic change, and I believed it! Subtle isn't the word. The book tells the story of Roland Hazard, a wealthy industrialist, who spent a year with Carl Jung working on his issues and got drunk soon after. Baffling or what?
A buddy of mine almost came undone in exactly the same way recently. He was about a serious about sobriety as you can get and he was working on everything, a bit of AA, anger management, Penatacostal church, mens group, everything you could imagine to make himself a better man, except step 4. They were both asked exactly the same question, "would you like a drink" and they both said yeah thanks. The consequences of drinking did not come flooding back, there was no "win" because there was no battle at all, all the bad memories were strangely absent. Fortunately my buddies sister saw what was happening and took the drink off him. He was shocked to say the least. If his sister had not intervened he would have drank for sure, for no other reason than his defnces were down.
It is my experience that God gave me the strength to have those wins because I was working the steps rapidly with a sponsor. When I began step 9 the obsession lifted and the 10th step promises started to kick in. From that point on my life had changed and among many blessings was a full time defence against the first drink, which came from the God of my understanding. I haven't had that battle over whether to drink or not for many years, it just never comes up.
Yeah I can't wait until it doesn't even cross my mind. the last ten days have been interesting to say the least. I told one of my friends that I've only had a drank once and ten days and he didn't belive me.
I have pretty much stopped thinking about it at home which is great i'm good at keep myself busy, however one habit I have is when i'm done work to grab beer from the store around the corner , I even would drink one on the walk home.
I just woke up this mornining , and this is where most people that drink fight the most with themselves, but I am so happy to be sipping on my coffee clear as a bird! :)
It will continue to work off this feeling to avoid this situtation when it come up next .. which will be tonight cuz i work every bloody day, so as Pappy said, Just for today.
I remember the early days when realizing I had a mental obsession would get me through the day. Playing the movie "all the way through" can help. Eventually the obsession that tells us it won't be like before, or that I can just drink today and I'll be able to get off the roller-coaster. .
My experience is similar to Mike (Flynn Spirit) above. If you are serious about alcoholism, you need to get to meetings get a sponsor and work the 12 steps.
Untreated alcoholism is no joke, we all want to take the path of least resistance but sticking a band-aid on a gushing wound usually doesn't work (ask me how I know).
We are all here to help and support you.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
