i'm pretty upset with myself . I had a small relapse last night. I didn't do anything crazy or drink a crazy amount, I just had more then I wanted to. I didn't embarasse myself. I didn't do anything stupid. I actually had a really great time at the club with my friends. I just wish I drank a little less then I did. When I went out I had the goal of only drinking a 2 beers but I ended up having six, I didn't start until late thought like midnight.
i'm pretty dissappointed in myself, the only thing I can take out of it is i would have had the same amount of fun either way weither I drank or not , so why did I.
I kept telling myself your only chasing a drunk state, your only chasing state, and you don't want to be in that state. I really wanted to go out, but I really should have stuck to water.
I even had an art project ready for me to go last night so when I came home from work I could do it. but no I had this bug to go out and do something.
I am proud of myself for not getting stupid drunk like I normally do, but I'm not proud of myself for getting as drunk as I was.
"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."
mandm, this is not a relapse as far as I can see. "When I went out I had the goal of only drinking a 2 beers" What this says to me is that you have not yet taken the first step, you still harbour the delusion that you will be able to drink like other people. The first step is about identifying and accepting that we are alcoholic. Recovery cannot begin until this is done and if recovery hasn't started, then you can't relapse.
Perhaps you are on about step -1, still progressing the illness to the point that you can accept that you have it. Most of us go through something like this but rather than relapse, I look at it as stepping stones to the point where recovery can begin. One more try, one more failure eventual defeat, then recovery.
MandM, I've made a number of attempts at sobriety before. The most I've ever hit was 30, 40, I think one time 60 days. I'm doing a number of things differently this time. When I tried before, I didn't go to AA. I read recovery literature, but I figured I could do it on my own without the group. I also didn't change people places and things. I still went to the bars with my friends, but drank pop. I would feel kind of annoyed, and eventually all those annoyances plus lack of accountability to a wider fellowship would build up and I'd think eff it, it doesn't matter that much, I can have one or two drinks. I'll moderate from now on.
Well, we all know how that goes. I would be able to moderate for a while, and then I'd have a blowout/blackout and be right back where I started in the pit of shame and despair.
I can't go to bars at this point in my sobriety. Missing a social function at a bar is not as important as staying sober. I am crafting other activities to do with friends: walks, lunch, yoga classes, having people over for dinner.
All of those attempts were stepping stones that have brought me to the place where I realize my sobriety has to take priority, and it's going to involve a lot of changes. Some of these changes are damn hard work, but I trust they are worth it.
I agree.. I wouldn't consider this a relapse. Your post reminds me of my period of close to a year where I was attempting to control my drinking. I'd berate myself after drinking more than I had 'planned', and vehemently vow to stick to 'only a few' the next night. I had to do this to admit defeat. It was pure hell. I hated myself, and was full of rage for myself. It was the only way for me to see I was fully, utterly defeated- and that there was no way to teach or train myself to become a 'normal drinker'. Like I said- it was pure hell. I hope you realize this sooner than I did:)
Aloha Mandm...Your story is historically common from the number two...to the number six (more for others) and the frustration and remorse and then the confusion of "WHY"?...Mike went right to the source of the solution and Tasha gave it the exclamation point all of us alcoholics need to be reminded of...we're not her to learn how to drink and how to live without it at all. That's from my morning meeting at AA at the Bay, Hilo, Hawaii. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and once you respond to the compulsion the number that follows doesn't matter..."We cannot drink like normal people" and most normal people don't drink at all. Take a look at what made you fall and what makes us not and you'll see the solutions. Keep coming back.
I guess my problem is I like going to bars, and I think I feel more comfortable with a drink. I'm planning on going this weekend and not bringing any money or my wallet to avoid temptation. I agree with what everyone is saying.
Going to a bar at this point would be incredibly insane to me ... It took me a long time to get spiritually fit enough to walk through a bar without getting the urge ... just cause I didn't bring any money wouldn't stop me from getting a drink ... Oh yeah, you'd start off with tonic water or sprite or coke or something, but then I'd start rationalizing about one or even two wouldn't hurt ... then I'd be kicking myself the next morning ... We must stop going to our old playgrounds ... change our habits ...
You sit in a Barber Shop long enough, you're coming out of there with a haircut ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
lol you sit in a barber shop long enough lol .. nice line .. Its just what i've always done a saturday/friday night, its quite life altering to change it for me. I usually work until 1030 pm on a friday or saturday, then we always go out to clubs. I don't want to not go out, but i also don't want to drink .
my plan is to start going with no money, last time I checked barbers don't give free hair cuts. I need to get used to going to the club and not buying anything. I really don't know what to do with myself if I don't go out. Like I said I work until 10 - 11 on the weekends and I need to socialize/pick up.
lol you sit in a barber shop long enough lol .. nice line .. Its just what i've always done a saturday/friday night, its quite life altering to change it for me. I usually work until 1030 pm on a friday or saturday, then we always go out to clubs. I don't want to not go out, but i also don't want to drink .
@pythonpappy lol .. yeah I do get my fair share of free stuff lol @rubytues I just don't know how else to meet people unless i'm at a bar. Like I said I work most nights so coffee shop gyms etc I'm off during the day. The only time I can meet people is at night at clubs, and i'm not doing no online dating stuff, that was a scary experience :)
I guess my problem is I like going to bars, and I think I feel more comfortable with a drink. I'm planning on going this weekend and not bringing any money or my wallet to avoid temptation. I agree with what everyone is saying.
You wanna piss around at the edges and only do the things that suit your version of recovery then good luck to you. I mean that. Sincere good luck because you are going to need it. Maybe you'll find a way that has escaped the rest of us but I don't like the odds of that. All that I think will happen is that despite every well meaning intent and plan you have is that you'll get drunk. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Sometimes with no bad consquences and sometimes with some that are really going to hurt. But you'll never know what you'll get though because if you are an alcoholic then you can't guarantee your intake or behaviour after that first drink. That means everytime you have one you have just given the alcohol full control over your life until it has decided that it has had enough.
If you want to do something about it then you need to make sobriety the #1 thing in your life. Get your arse to meetings and read this book:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
and listen to those that have their life in order. You're going to have to change if you don't want this to destroy you. It won't get better by itself, and it'll take every good thing off you while it kills you. The good news is that the change is into something that is better than you'll understand just now. It won't be easy but it will be simple. And it will be worth every moment of it.
You can keep fighting the booze, or you can give up?! Some of those fights may actually kill you. Once I gave up the notion that I could drink normally, I surrendered and through surrender I finally won the initial step!! I'm an alcoholic who buried a 41 year old friend on 1/05/13.......she drank herself to death. This is a fatal disease if you indeed have it?! It is a game you can play, alcoholic roulette........asking yourself, "wonder what will happen this time" as you drink?!
I figure you come hear for fellowship and direction. I suggest you give sobriety an AA a real strong look. We are all miracles in progress!!
WOW! "A.A." also means "A bsolute A bstinence!" Trying "controlled" drinking has been known to KILL many an alcoholic, and non-alcoholic people dont hafta THINK about controlling their drinking! My last "first" drink, kept me drinking for 5 more years, wanting desperately to stop, every day! "The idea, that somehow , someday they may control, and enjoy their drinking, is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. Many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death", BB. Jeepers! I hope you survive your experiment! I have known MANY who have not.....sigh..... bless you profusely...and PLEASE Keep Coming Back!
I just can't wrap my head around going out and not drinking something or saying no at a family function. I think I need to work on self control and I think i'm on the wrong message board for that.
Today I had the day off and the thought crossed my mind about grabbing a six pack or two of beer but I was able to talk myself out of it .. so far so good.
I just can't wrap my head around going out and not drinking something or saying no at a family function. I think I need to work on self control and I think i'm on the wrong message board for that.
Yeah, okay! ... you work on 'controlling' yourself more ... let me know how that works out for ya ... Me? ... I had to work on giving up self control ... it all boiled down to a matter of me letting go and turning everything over to a power greater than me ...
Ya see? ... My problem was Me ... ... ... I kept making all those poor decisions that led me to keep doing the same darn thing over and over and over ...
Be interest'n to hear on how your self-control is working out for you in a week or two ... ... ... and how that gives you 'peace and serenity' ... seriously, I like to know!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I know, I have to its gonna be tuff. But I still need to go out .. i'm a single guy and I can't give up my social life. So I need to condition myself. I know this isn't the right forum for it AA is all about abstaining.
I used to be terrible for years, I was doing a mikey of whiskey a day when i was with my ex.. then it continued for a year or so after.. but now I can go a week easily without drinking I'm sleeping now problem at all.. ( one of the lies I told myself was drinking would help me sleep).. now I think I drink when I'm boarded so I'm trying to keep busy, i got two books on the go right now. However i do find my mind drifting thinking about it .. like tonight. .oh I got the night off I'll do a six pack.. then I told myself no you don't need a six pack, you need some more tea .. lol which i've been drinking like its going out of style.
