I reconnected with a good friend who I had lost contact with a few years ago. It turned out he had developed a variety of substance abuse problems and had just been released from prison. He is in a halfway house in a city not far from where I live. We've been talking on the phone and trough text message quite a lot and he's told me a little of what his ife has been like since we lost touch. To be honest it sounds like his life was a chaotic nightmare that I can't even imagine. Running from the law, living in dangerous places surrounded by dangerous people, always the threat of violence and then top it all off with prison. He's been clean since he went to jail a year ago and he's in some sort of mandatory recovery program at his halfway house but here is the frustrating thing. Even after all the horrific shit he's been through he says things like "I have a hard time with certain aspects of the program like accepting that these changes have to be forever." or "I see a lot of people who are just using the program as a crutch and can't even make decisions on their own". So I guess sanity and freedom and not being stabbed or sick or homeless or on the run from the law is okay for now but not something he just can't see doing forever. And he doesn't want to become reliant on a support group and lose his ability to think for himself and continue making fabulous life decisions like he's done in the past. I feel like telling him he's an idiot.
Is this what I've sounded like to you people all these years? I honestly don't know how you put up with it.
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-- Edited by Sober McHappy on Wednesday 2nd of January 2013 11:30:21 PM
Happy, just tell him "his best thinking got him where he is today". And why does he think that he can "Think his way out of the situation he's in"? There are dozens more AA cliches that apply, "Self will run riot", "We had to let go of our old thinking Absolutely", "Keep it simple stupid", "Let go and let God"....
in reality, most of us think along those lines, when we first enter an AA meeting and see folks paroting all of this AA speak. I thought "what a bunch of brainwashed ********s, I'm way too intelligent for all that". I found out later, after 2 years of relapsing and losing a marriage, job..., that I was one of the sicker and perhaps stoopider :P of the bunch, despite my rather high IQ. I did have a clue, though, that there was a maniac living in my head, and I had to find a way to shut him up. "Don't drink and don't think" and "Your brain is not your friend" made a lot of sense to me. lol
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 3rd of January 2013 06:46:01 AM
Hey Happy McSober, I mean Sober McHappy, ... ... ...
I can identify with your friend's thinking ... it took me a while before the concept of 'One Day at a Time' sunk in ... I don't think of what it'll be like 5/10 years from now, I only think about today ... pg. 85 in the BB spoke volumes to me ...
We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutralitysafe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of Gods will into all of our activities. How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 3rd of January 2013 07:35:49 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Nah.. You've been more sporadic...more all or nothing. You've been funny at times, many times, but ultimately seeing you struggle has been sad. Like the person that always puts themself out there for others to laugh with/at and is good at making others happy but is sad and suffering inside... Like a less annoying and more funny Andy Kaufman LOL. That's just my psychobabble though. I can only imagine what your awesome sense of humor will be like combined with serenity and inner happiness. It's gonna be cool.
Surrender is the theme of the month...Step 1. I will gladly spout AA slogans and "unoriginal" AA stuff for the rest of my life cuz it GAVE me a life. Why snatch my will back and make decisions with my own twisted brain when all that ever did was get me in trouble?
Yes, I do make decisions without AA. I don't ask my sponsor permission to take a crap. But, I am grateful to have reality checks in place and to be able to have support to filter my decisions through.
I'm honestly not that surprised by your friend's statements. That type of addict/criminal is starting from a lower spot of moral development than the rest of us. He needs to think he does not need others and that AA is for needy crutch users because if he admitted he needed people, he'd have to feel more remorse for his crimes and for victimizing others.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
WE call these thought patterns"RESERVATIONS",places in our program we reserve for relapse. Ideas that maybe we can retain some small measure of control over situations,'WELL I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL ANYMORE BUT I can hang in the bar and with people are using and getting twisted etc,how long do I have to do this,etc(different from being recovered ,in recovery a day at a time,and not fearing the environment if we need to be there or being able to function in a fit spiritual condition wherever) .WE may think certain parts of the program dont apply,or there are just some things we could never face without picking up(death of a loved one,serious illness etc)sometimes these reservations are buried way deep where we may not be fully conscious of them.It is very important to identify and expose these resrvations and cancel them.His best thinking got him where it did and it sounds like a revisit to the 1st Step is in his cards,but thats his and only his decision. Spiritual principles,Honesty,openmindedness,willingness,humility and acceptance after putting down the poison,are the beginnings of the healing.It is important for you to keep your recovery on top of all things.Some are sicker than others and you can only carry the message of recovery not the person..We continue to remember that A.A. is not a program to get us sober its a program to help us live our lives sucessfully,happily,maybe in joy,once we get sober.Keep working man,it will get good,then it will get real good and then it will get REAL!!Happy New Year....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Great job picking up on the insanity of your friend and putting it into perspective Tipsy.
Sometimes it's easier to see the insanity in others, that's one reason we go to forums and meetings and work with others, helps to keep our thinking in line.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Everyone gets on the reality bus in their own time.
Much of my adult life looks like one car accident after another, but they didn't really seem that bad - or sometimes even bad at all - at the time. I see it now but then not so much.
And you fight what you do see, and lie to yourself, and rationalise it because the hell you are living scares you less than the unknown place recovery will take you to.
For some people (and I put myself at the front of this queue) nothing will change until the status quo has well and truly kicked the shit out of you, and is coming back for more.
I can relate to your friends thinking. The twisted thoughts of the Alcoholic/Addict. It's sad, but some pursue it to the gates of hell or death. For me, as long as I had a reservation, I drank. No change means more of the same. I'm grateful today that my HP(God) blessed me with the willingness to change. The gift of desparation. To try something different. I would much rather rely on God and The 12 Step crutch, than a bottle or drug. It's a practical means to a Spiritual experience, in lieu of the artificial one I THOUGHT I had with the drink or drug.
Hey Mc, To be honest, it made me cringe and sad to read your posts. Remember though always, as it says in the bb - to treat this friend as a sick friend... because he is sick. Be as kind as you can. Use boundaries when it's dragging you down (usually distance works great). Be an example of 'how it works' as best you know how.
In times like this, sometimes when writing to you even ; ) I had to read through the steps and put a 'humbly' in front of each one to get me in check and able to deal with others in a loving respectful way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I still can't stand some people... but learning how to live the principles does take practice. I can be patient with myself and my mistakes today. Gentle, willing, teachable, open to what there is for me to learn, leave the rest.
When I think of where they are coming from, what they are about, how sad it is that they have gone down so far... some of that "I can't stand you" thinking dissipates pretty quickly.
If you can muster it MC - pray for him : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have a buddy with a similar mentality, McHappy. He goes to meetings when he has to, then spends the rest of his time bad mouthing the program. "you're all brainwashed", " I'm smarter than that", " I can't get on board with the God thing", "I see no value in working the steps- they have nothing to do with drinking" etc. He cannot comprehend why he keeps relapsing. He's been in and out of the program and various detox for years. I've witnessed him be carted out of work in an ambulance due to a bad mix of alcohol and pills. It's really sad to watch. When I hear him ranting about the program, and how dumb I am to follow it I get first irritated, then extremely sad for him. It's so simple, yet he refuses to surrender. All I can do is pray for him.
Ya, it is. But your not alone. Its the mateing call of the self centered asshole. Its sounds like this. YABUT YABUT YABUT. It takes what it takes we all have a different threshhold for pain. And its pain that gets our attention. Its the screwing the porcupine story. We stop when the pain exeeds the pleasure. Eventhough i cant see you, its cool to see the light come on in your eyes. Its one of the highlights of recovery. Hope you stick around to see it happen in someone else..its worth everything you have to go through to get there.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
I appreciate all of the suggestions. I find myself repeating a lot of what I hear on this board to him. To be honest I'm keeping him at a bit of a distance. I am too early in my development to be acting in any way as someones quasi-sponser. All I do is share with him the mistakes I've made like focusing on the differences between me and "them", picking and choosing what I liked about the program and discounting the rest, believing that I'm just too darn smart to be part of this "cult" and have others make my decisions for me. I could go on and on, if there's a mistake to be made in recovery I've made it. I would just like to help others make less of them if I can.
I told him that whenever I was thinking the way he is a relapse was just around the corner. For him that will mean the loss of his freedom and a lot more. I suggested he consider entering a more intensive 90 day inpatient program for when his halfway house stint ends but I don't think he would consider it.
I would imagine that right about now some are thinking "Worry about yourself right now dipshit!" and I totally understand that sentiment. But there is something about being able to share what I've learned (even if it is very little) that helps me and makes me feel stronger about my recovery. It's like seeing my own mistakes and sick-thinking in another person solidifies for me that I'm getting well now that I've moved past that point. Being able to offer this friend my perspective based on going through exactly what he is going through is kind of rewarding. Whether he listens of not I feel like I'm doing something of value. Not sure if that makes sense but I think you people will understand. It's probably similar to the reason why you kept sharing your knowledge with me even when I was being a jerkoff.
Hey Sober M, ... yeah, you're sounding more like us every day now ... looks like my prayers may be getting answers after all ...you sound great man ... and most of all, I don't feel there are any flaws with your current line of thinking ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tipsy always sounded scared to me. I dig McHappy. He seems to be scared too, but isn't running from it.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
McHappy, you are right where you are supposed to be. if your friend does not grab the life line today, let's pray he grabs it before he dies. you can ask him about his fears... not thinking for himself ?? (like you said, what a great job so far) but it is his fear that triggers his drinking. he is afraid of everything, i know, because i was, too. afraid of not having anymore fun, afraid i would not be able to get more booze and have to sober up, afraid i would have to deal with all my stupid shit some day.... y'know how it goes. it has been wonderful having true freedom and a lot less fear and having real friends.... i would not trade my best day drinking for my worst day sober. i will be praying for you and your friend. hugs from jj/sheila
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