Welcome Christine, Yes, it is common to feel that way, in fact no one gets to AA with out it. We all had to burn our lives down in order to get to the place we are willing to do something about the drinking and the nature of what alcholisim really is. And yes, the self loathing does go away, but not on its own. There is work we do in the 12 steps which if practiced as a way of life will dispel the urge to drink and make the sufferer happily and usefully whole. Thats good news huh. Hope you stick around.
-- Edited by billyjack on Thursday 27th of December 2012 06:59:50 AM
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
When I read/hear the stories of others and how they came to AA I wish they wouldn't have had such a hard road but when it comes to my own path I just mostly feel I deserved it. Does the self loathing ever go away? Seems hard to believe at this point. I am just so disgusted with myself.
I don't know if it's common or not , but it was that way for me too in the beginning. That's why we do the inventory in step 4 to identify the exact nature of our wrongs and the things that are blocking us from God. For step 8 my sponsor told me to put my name at the top of the list because no one mistreated as badly as I mistreated myself, and until I forgave myself I could forgive no one else and no one else could forgive me. I guess I'm saying give yourself a break do the steps change your life and don't do whay you used to do.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
If you stay sober and keep doing the next right thing, you will eventually start feeling better about yourself. Going through the steps with a sponsor will also greatly aid in this. I believe the most applicable saying is "You build esteem by doing esteemable acts." As you get comfortable in your new sober identity, you will slowly start thinking "Hey, I feel like the me I am supposed to be!" They you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it....You will be comfortable in your own skin. All this will happen if you stay sober and work the program.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Oh yes. I felt very much the same way- I was utterly disgusted with myself. Self loathing? I didn't think I was "good enough" for AA meetings! Man did I hate myself.. And yes I had gotten to the place where I couldn't blame anyone but myself- I was in that place long before I came to AA. It was hell. I think most if not all of us have been there. You may not feel as though you have the " hard luck story", or maybe you've stopped playing victim- I don't know. Yes, it is very common to feel as you do. Hang in there and it'll pass.
When I read/hear the stories of others and how they came to AA I wish they wouldn't have had such a hard road but when it comes to my own path I just mostly feel I deserved it. Does the self loathing ever go away? Seems hard to believe at this point. I am just so disgusted with myself.
For me, not completely ... but in working the AA steps of recovery, I did learn to deal with the self loathing and guilt ... and below, Bob explained it best for what I was taught ... forgiving me was at the top of the list ... I had a lot of trouble with that one ... I'll never forget the meeting I was in during my 1st year, I shared that I simply could not forgive myself for the destruction I had brought to others, family and friends and co-workers ...
then an old timer spoke up and asked: Do you believe in God, or higher power ??? ... I said why of course I do ... He then asked: Do you believe that God has not only the power to forgive, but will in fact forgive you ??? ... I said yes, I do ... Then the old timer said, why can't you forgive yourself ??? ... are you better than God ??? (one of the few times that cross talk was ever allow in our group) ... all I could say after that was 'wow, I never thought of it like that' ...
'Nuff said, I got it ... but yes, I still have those days that I feel guilt over my past actions ... but now I stop and pray that I don't ever have to repeat them ...
Bob K wrote:
I don't know if it's common or not , but it was that way for me too in the beginning. That's why we do the inventory in step 4 to identify the exact nature of our wrongs and the things that are blocking us from God. For step 8 my sponsor told me to put my name at the top of the list because no one mistreated as badly as I mistreated myself, and until I forgave myself I could forgive no one else and no one else could forgive me. I guess I'm saying give yourself a break do the steps change your life and don't do whay you used to do.
Love ya,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Heh. I'd f@#$ed up everything that I reckon it was possible to f@#$ up, and hurt everyone that cared for me. Badly.
I felt lower than the stuff you wipe off your shoe, and it took me a good six months before I could look at my reflection in a mirror without feeling so much anger and disgust at the person looking back at me. I couldn't look people in the eye in case they could read my soul. My black and broken soul.
It took a while to get around to forgiving myself. I had to truly see that the real me wouldn't have done those things, so - while not in any way dodging my culpabilities or handballing the responsibility to attempt to make amends - I could see that the real shame was in not getting help earlier rather than the insane actions that followed. They were just the natural outcome of insane drinking and an insane belief that I could handle things my way. With help and without drink it isn't possible for me to do those sort of things. It's just not who I am.
That made all the difference. I was sick and I did some stupid, hurtful things, but I wasn't bad to the core and given a do over I'd do it all so very differently even if all those burnt bridges stayed beyond repair. That wouldn't matter if I could stop even a drop of the hurt I liberally spread around.
Now I just keep on doing what I'm doing - staying sober, being the best orange I can be, and being grateful and happy for the second shot at life - and I feel pretty good. I do not "not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I also have been known to smile and wink at myself if I catch my reflection in the mirror. And why not? The universe is doing exactly what it should be doing, and so am I.
I am so glad you're here, and you can do this. You are feeling what I did, and as you can see, most others. This program can work for you too, just stick to it no matter what. Make yourself, your program and your sobriety the most important things for a while and see what happens - it can't be worse right?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Christine, great to have you here with us. Yes, it's common. You're not unique. You're not a bad person trying to get good, you're a sick person trying to get well. No one get here on a winning streak. Put away the bat. It will only keep the pain around. It will keep you focused on the problem and not the solution. For me, the self loathing dissapated after I fully became fully engaged in The Program of AA. With my heart and actions, not just my words. The revelation came with trying to be a changed and different person. Action for me equals Meetings, Sponsorship, Steps, HP and helping others. The Promises will materialize upon completion of The Steps. You'll have a new freedom and new happiness. You will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it etc...................
I hope to get to a better place. Right now I don't know if I have the strength to face the consequences for my most recent bad behavior. Funny, now that it too late I have no interest in drinking.
Christine it's never too late. Through the steps of AA we get to start a new life. We can't change the past nor do we punish ourselves or allow others to punish us for things we did before. We don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. It's ok to look at the past just don't stare at it. I use the past to remind me what lays in store for me should I choose, for whatever reason to go back to drinking. Give the program a fighting chance if it you don't think it's what you want your misery will be freely refunded and you can go back to your old way of life.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
