I hope everyone is fine and dandy. Happy Holidays as well. I injured my back a couple of weeks ago and have been bed ridden ever since. I feeling a lot better now and it couldn't come at a better time, of course. I hope that continues.
I'm sorry to hear about your past Colleen, but regrettably or not it's something we have to deal with. We may not feel the personal anguish as you do, but we all share similar experiences, heartbreaking as it may be. I guess that's why this step is so important. It helps us heal, while allowing us to feel forgiven ourselves. It's an integral part of the recovery program that some of us never fully understand.
There's one thing we do know: You didn't do anything wrong, so don't feel like you have. That's why acceptance is so important. It allows for certain privileges, like regaining our sense of trust, while accepting the truth about what happened. It's so common for victims to blame themselves, whether we realize it or not, but its perceived guilt nothing more. You were just a child for God's sake, and your abusers are to blame here, not you. So don't feel guilty one bit. It's only through the restoration process that we can feel forgiven ourselves, and what better way than through the 4th and 5th step. It helps 'clear the path' so the remaining steps can be done successfully.
My sponsor suffered similar pain when he was a child. I found this out when we did our 4th step 'together'. I put a greater emphasis on the together part, because we both endured similar abuse. I probably wouldn't have shared my past either, and the emotionally abuse I suffered, if he wasn't willing to share his past as well. That's how the miracle unfolded for me. Once I completed the 4th and 5th step, I felt an inner peace that I knew came from God. It was my spiritually awakening 20 years in the making.
My past may continue to haunt me, but I need to leave the past behind and strive for a better future, wherever that may lead. I may feel depressed again, like I once did, but I have a program that allows me to feel loved, unconditionally. It's also the glue that binds our lives together. They teach me how to forgive myself so I in turn can forgive others. And the 4th and 5th steps were the crucial part in that discovery. It was my way of separating past events from future beginnings. It also allowed for the healing process to begin, something that was needed all along. I hope it does the same for you. Onward.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 13th of December 2012 04:02:47 PM
Ok, so I'm working the 4 th step.. Finished with the resentment part, moving on to the accepting responsibility part. This is fine, I can clearly see where I've been at fault. With the exception of 2 people- my parents. I grew up in an extremely abusive home (abusive on every level). My father was a sick bastard ( who I've forgiven years ago) who began abusing me in a way that he didn't with my brothers when I was around the age of 5. I spent years blaming myself for this. I'm not doing it anymore. I cannot see how or why I should or can take responsibility for this. My sponser says I should look at the fear aspect.. Well, yes I was fearful. I had a father who threatened the lives of my brothers if I said anything when I was like 5 years old. I simply do not understand how anybody can tell me I need to take responsibility for my part in this.. It goes against everything that's told to and known about survivors of abuse. I need some guidance here, because I truly fail to see the benefit of this.
You don't take responsibility for that. It's the thoughts and things you've done in your life later - because you hung onto resentments (that was your choice, now you get to learn a better way). And basically, you find your part in those things, and learn why and how to move past them. You'll learn how your HP can get you through this, and past it truly. I don't think you're as forgiving or as moved on as you claim. But you might be after your 5th step. Hopefully you have a really great sponsor! I'm going to be praying for you CoL!!!! I'm excited : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It goes against everything that's told to and known about survivors of abuse.
I'd run with what they say. No offence meant to your sponsor but unless they are qualified in this they'd be much better leaving it alone. That said I'm sure that there are AA members that are also survivors (in fact I'm sure of it) and maybe a quiet word with one of those who has some good sober time and some serenity would be the way to go.
This is where 'Forgiveness' plays a huge role in our recovery ... some things just cannot be changed, so the wrongs done to us ? ... we must find it in our hearts to forgive those who have abused us, only then can the healing process begin ... I know, it was nothing you did to bring on the abuse you endured, it just so happens that some people go through that and the ones who forgive and move on become stronger because of it ... use this program to your advantage to become the person you wish you were ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The big book tells us that the people in this world are quite often wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right, but one wrong doesn't make it right either. What I found was that it was my anger that was out of whack. Look at it like a pendulum, U, it's ok to be in the middle, but we get in trouble when we let it swing out of control. Our "part" is that we either get so angry that we could kill over it or so depressed we'd die over it. Balance is the best. ( the U is a pendulum, btw) It helped me to do what the 12x12 says and take the seven deadly sins as my part. Pride, anger, lust, sloth, greed, gluttony, and envy....those are the glaring ones. My part usually stands out when I do this. I hope that helped! Good luck!
I dunno Col. I can only things that "the fear" aspect might be worth examining if you are still living in fear because of it. Has it affected all your other relationships? Does it keep you as a victim in any way or are you truly an empowered survivor? I can understand the goal sort of, but I have not walked in your shoes. I don't know how I would go about what you are doing either. I know that the 4th step is supposed to be cleansing and freeing. If your past abuse had you acting towards others in ways that were out of fear from what happened to you, it's understandable but worth thinking about so that you can be free of it.
For me, my 4th step had a few things in it where I was a legitimate victim - nothing like you stated though. In adolescence, I had my "best" friends drop me, make fun of me, and harrass me because they thought I was gay (and I was of course though I never told them that). I carried that resentment around a long time and it affected future relationships I suppose in that I ran from anyone having anything to do with my high school and when those folks reached out to me, I flat out rejected them and wanted nothing to do with them. I also still act like a victim in that sense cuz I often think that is the reason someone doesn't like me because it was so hurtful at the time. Sometimes it colors my perceptions and it has me in chains rather than free from it.
While this does not compare to being a sexual abuse survivor, it was a legitimate case of me being treated wrongly but carrying the hurt with me. I don't want to carry the hurt with me any more. I take responsibility over that. Not what was done to me cuz that was not my fault. I try to take responsibility over the negative ways it affected me cuz I can change that.
Others are probably more qualified to offer feedback here. Just trying to be of any help.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks guys:) I think I'm starting to see it from a different angle. Mark, your experience definetly shed some light on how to approach this.. Thanks. If I look at it from how it affected my REACTIONS to things throughout my life I can of course see the necessity of working through it.
Aloha Col and thanks for the display of courage "to change". The fourth step for me defined my search to fearless and moral; the difference between good and bad, right or wrong. I was lead by the word searching with my sponsor. Yes when I was young that behavior often brought against me was not acceptable and anything I caused however I did respond to it with others outside of my atmosphere in ways that they didn't cause. I took the anger and resentments which I built against family and others with me as I continued my growth and I did serious harm with it. What was my part in it for me also read "What was my part with it" and I was able to arrive at solution and peace. The people I harmed didn't know my family conditions and I never told them as I harmed them "here this is because of my family of origin from whom I suffered much". My 4th was done with both my sponsor and my HP very very close at hand...both of them agreed at what I was doing and how. Mahalo and ((((hugs))))
