Welcome home, Johnny. If you decide to go out into the wilderness, please take a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous with you and read it cover to cover. You will likely find yourself in there over and over again, as have we all...mental illness and all. I'm sure they have meetings in Africa as well. And take your internet service and drop in and share with us! Thank you for sharing!
p.s...stopping is easy...staying stopped takes practice!
-- Edited by Picaposie on Wednesday 12th of December 2012 07:07:05 AM
Hi all. I figure this is taking the first step. I have stopped for days weeks and even months, but gone back. Alchohol is a problem. I'm lonely, a failure at life so far at 42, have made a ton of mistakes, never really had a job. My life is not moving forward at all. My productivity is at 1 percent. I haven't had a girlfriend in ages. I've tried AA, outpatient rehabs, but for some reason I think my fear of having a real life is stopping me. I am embaressed to go back to AA. I feel really sorry for myself, which is about as narcisist as it gets.
I had all of the advantages, but mental illness hit me at 19 and that's been it for 22 years. It started with a particularly nasty case of Lyme Disease. I lived in the woods of CT, lyme central. I got much better magically after 5 brutal years. I managed to get a great college degree at 40, despite the drinking, at a small liberal arts college in CT.
I ended up totally terrified to do anything. Terrified to try. I'm terrified to work and I have NO experience. If I quit booze for 3 months, worked-out, and took my meds properly I would be a completely different person.
When I stop drinking, I feel lousy at first, but after 3 weeks I feel like a tiger on steroids (it must even out at some point). My mood becomes positive, my joints stop hurting, I go from 12 hours of sleep to 8, energy levels increase dramatically, etc. It all comes down to making a serious commitment. And I no longer bouce back as quicky as before, so I'm scared. That was 2 years ago when I bounced back so fast, it just gets worse.
I don't say this stuff to brag, but to show the consequences and what I can pass up for horrible booze, and to continue living like the crappy person I think I am. I did have a bad break with mental illness, but I realize I am tremendously lucky. AND SOMEHOW I CAN'T MANAGE TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF!! I have the oportunity of a lifetime, and if I continue boozing, I will screw it up just like I have other similar oportunities. I washed out of a 2 month, paid, photojournalism project in Cambodia before the plane even left in 2011. Booze also prevented me from a post in The Peace Corps. Now I have a the opportunity to spend 4-8 weeks in Africa, tagging and tracking lions, hyenas, leopard, elephant, cheetahs... Maybe leading to a job. That has been my lifelong dream. I can do the work, I know that. I don't mind living in the Bush, it's better than anything. I think the hard gratifying work would help me tremendously. And yes, I can get my meds in South Africa. I did a summer semester in Italy and camped in Africa for a while, so I know I can be away and do something. I need to buck up and stop the idiocy, get in shape over the winter and go.
My building is party central, but im in a rent controlled mega-loft that I got 15 years ago, and I'm terrified to give that up too.
With AA you are supposed to stay put and stabilize, but some start doing what they want and just drop the bottle. I know one thing, if I turn this trip down, I'll never stop the booze.
Welcome to the MIP forum. It sounds like you understand the disease pretty well, and yes the energy level comes back.
The powerlessness and self pity is difficult, self centerness is the root of our problem. We had to find a power greater than ourselves that could help us solve our problems, I hope you can make it back into the rooms, we will be here in support.
I was younger than you when I came to AA, but I can totally identify with your feelings and position. Years later recovery is still the first priority in my life.....without it all else fails.
Keep the faith,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks guys. I feel better. You're all so right. I drink to hold myself back(I knew that, but somehow I keep forgetting it). I did get an 'Impressive' degree while drunk. What a miserable experience, and I remeber very little of it. I have temendous potential, and I want to see it freed. The misery and self pity is so stupid!! I can choose to drink over losing my twenties to mental illness, and losing oportunities by drinking...or I can choose to say, "ok, whatever, that stinks, move on." I'm bitter and self centered, yup, true too.
I'm going to a meeting today. I will post that I have gone. I just have to deal with the fact that I am returning again and will face people who have seen me publicly drunk, again, after I was supposed to be in recovery. I guess they won't care, its my own fear, has nothing to do with them.
-- Edited by johnny5000 on Wednesday 12th of December 2012 12:48:31 PM
Right - everyone just wants you to live. I didn't get mad at my best friend when her cancer came back after she was in remission. I didn't blame her, or poke fun of her... I just gave her a hug, and prayed for her. When she believed her doctors that she had cancer, she didn't just walk away and say no thank you to the treatments, even though they were not always fun. You have a disease... do you believe that? Your treatments CAN be fun! We are VERY blessed to have this disease and not something worse or untreatable!
You will be an example to others, that going out and trying to do it alone on your own doesn't work, just like when someone has cancer and thinks they can cure themselves by doing nothing different. I am always grateful when people are brave enough to come back and remind me I don't want to let go of my sobriety today. That I need my treatments (AA) just like my friend with cancer, if I want to live.
So welcome back to AA - we're glad you're here : )
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 12th of December 2012 12:58:31 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Johnny the natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. That's no surprise to anyone in AA, who may have seen you drinking. I'm sure the majority of them were praying for you, in reality we all prayed for you when we bow our heads, at the end of each meeting and say "let us bow our heads and pray for the still suffering alcoholic" which is all of us too, if we're having a bad day, drunk or "sober". Get back in recovery brother, your experience will help others.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 12th of December 2012 01:30:57 PM
Hello Johnnie and welcome to the board. If you can get a college degree while drinking, you can do a year in AA, work the 12 steps with a sponsor sober. What you described is common with most of us. We fear success so we sabotage our future. Alcohol prevents the alcoholic from maturing, so a lot of our development (mental, social....) dates back to when (or shortly after) we began drinking. For me that was 8 years old. I was a 29 year old (when I got sober) walking around with an 8-15 year old mentality/maturity. We carry around a lot of "Old ideas" and baggage from those years. It's very complicated and getting sober, working the steps, gets us through it and let's the natural maturity process begin. It's not going to happen in 3 weeks or 3 months even. Chances are that if you go on this trip, you'll drink and it'll be a big mess at least. Have you considered getting into a rehab and seriously working a 12 step program so that you can move on? My life was non-sensical and chaotic, much like you describe. I got sober, went to AA meetings daily for a couple years, starting with going to 90 meetings in 90 days. My first year of sobriety went by pretty quickly. My sanity returned, and my self esteem, self worth, self confidence returned and grew. I went from being a carpenter that worked outside all winter (in DC) on hi-rise buildings (and quite depressed about it) living for pay check to pay check, drinking it all up every weekend to being a business owner (22 years now), being happily married and pretty much being able to do/go wherever I wanted to. The freedom and unlimited potential that you want are/have been waiting for you in sobriety. The bottle has been holding you back and acting as a pacifier for your fear, that you don't know how to deal with. Working the 12 steps is the way out. Put your big plans on hold, commit to a year of seriously working on your alcohol problem and then the sky is the limit. Most of us are very gifted, with above average potential, it's easy to see that you're one of these folks. Take the time to get rid of this ball and chain you've been carrying around. Go back into AA, and do all of those suggestions that you know others did to get sober. You're always welcome back, be that miracle.
Hi Johnie! I can relate to your story. I felt like mental illness ripped away my functioning at age 24 and I drank to self-medicate, self-sabotage,and out of self-pity for years and year. My meds never worked right. All my relationships failed. I lived as a shadow of the person I could be. I'd stopped drinking on my own for as much as 4 months but could never stay stopped. Ultimately, I was terrified of growing up and being fully self-sufficient. I could not imagine a day would go by where I didn't feel fundamentally flawed.
I've had this discussion with some other folks here on MIP and in meetings. Somehow when something traumatic happens to us, we can go two different ways. Those of us that are alcoholic stay stuck in it and don't rebound properly. We don't learn life lessons like we should and he continue to be in the muck of our problems without seeing a way out (even when the way out is apparent it would seem).
Well, it took a good year and a half of some solid sobriety and daily meetings, sponsorship, stepwork to really start changing. I don't suffer any more. I take my meds and go about my business and I feel like a nomal person. I AM a normal person. There is nothing so flawed or tragic about me. I am no longer a victim of having a horrible breakdown in my 20s that stopped me from getting my Ph.D. I can't even believe I drank over that crap and felt sorry for myself as long as I did. I missed out on life.
In any case, I do not miss out on life now. I am about the same age as you. I started AA and my recovery 4 years ago and am 40 now. You are not old but you are too old to miss out on another day of what life can offer you. I would be embarrassed NOT to get help. Everyone in AA is rooting for you. If sobriety and a good life is what you want in your soul....it you want it more than anything else, you will succeed because you will do what people tell you.
There is AA in South Africa. I don't know how far you will be from meetings but I had to work and live life during my 1st year. I had to travel a few times. Life goes on but your recovery in AA doesn't stop. Find a sponsor now get busy now and when you go, make arrangements to continue with meetings. If you can't, oh well, you stopped for a few months before anyhow, but you will slip back into drinking when you come back cuz all the same triggers will be waiting for you. It takes a radical life change and a "psychic shift" to really put the stopper on this. When I totally poured myself into AA it was like figuratively screaming "My life is not going to suck anymore!" and "It's time to grow up!" It was painful for that first year and I did whine and cry and everything seemed hard....It was growing pains, but it was so ultimately worth it to have what I always wanted. A life.
You can do this. You deserve this. Your higher power wants it for you. All you have to do really is give up booze, start going to meetings, take your meds as indicated, and follow directions. After that your life will take off in new directions that never seemed possible before. That's how it worked for me. It wasn't easy but it was much easier than living on in the state you are describing.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
For me, alcohol promotes my mental illness ... When I drink, my 'Thinker' doesn't work right anymore ... No matter how many 'pills' to cure my mental problems there are, my 'Thinker' never worked right while taking alcohol to enhance the effect ...
You are the only one who can make a decision to stop drinking and stay stopped ... we, cannot make that decision for you ... there have already been some good shares above, regarding your concerns, just read them again and determine if you really want to get well or not ... if not, death and/or insanity are going to visit you soon ... You sound like a pretty smart guy, ACT LIKE IT!!!
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
