I am turning into a big angry resentful mess today. I just want to scream. K. Now I want to cry. My mom is sick. Really sick. It's happening again like before. People bail. There are lots of ppl who just suck. Hey. I warned you I was being resentful. They just can't deal or they don't care. I don't know. I feel alone. Im actually physically alone through much of it. Instead of focusing on the ppl I do have I am pissed at everyone who isn't. I'm pissed at my dad and brother for dying and leaving me with this. It's not effing fair. K. So I'm going to eat my dinner and then I'm heading straight over to a meeting after this. Harboring this is just going to lead to drinking. I can feel it.
Remember that it isn't written that you have to like people and/or situations. You just have to accept them for what they are and understand that you can't change them.
A meeting sounds like a good, safe place for you right now.
Glad you got to a meeting and hope you feel better.
Really sorry to hear about your mother. Sounds like there might be others in your family who are totally into "self", this can be the case whether they are in active alcoholism/addiction or not. I know you are early in recovery and new complications can be difficult.
I have been through a number of sickenesses and deaths in the family and after some years sober. Today, I feel fortunate to have been able to be a helpful and positive during a time of need within the family. The old me would have checked-out for sure.
A guy from my hometown in Ohio when telling his story mentions that he is an avid weekend golfer, but while his mother was sick he spent most of every weekend for a year caring for his sick mother, his one golf buddies said..."let us know if you get a weekend where you don't "have" to take care of your mother. He mention in his story, "today I don't "have" to take care of my mother, I "get" to take care of my mother".
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Got to a meeting. I let out all that stuff inside me. I heard what I needed, too. As uncomfortable as the attention was, I talked to others after. I took numbers and made a call. It's late. I'm tired. I'm so glad, though, that I did a meeting tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. May I carry this strength and gratitude with me until then. Love, Chaya
I'm glad you made that meeting also ... ya know, life throws stuff at us all the time, and if we're in 'fit' spiritual condition, we have learned to handle these situations now that used to baffled us ...
Don't be too hard on other people, they have their own journeys to deal with ... Try not to expect others to do what you think they ought to be doing ... again, they have their own shoes to walk in ...
My wife and I had to take care of my son for a year after an accident that nearly killed him, he was left quadriplegic ... we had to use a special lift & sling system everyday to get him into and out of bed, fix and serve all his meals, bathe him, and learned how to 'catherize' him for 'bathroom' issues as well as the other bathroom issue which I dare not describe to you what 'that' involved (and wasn't JUST changing an adult diaper) ... (he was 28 when this accident occurred) ... ... ... SO, is life fair ??? ... Do other people just not care about YOU and your situation ??? ... I don't know, but it is a waste of precious time to even be thinking such things ... be grateful you are sober and are capable of helping with your Mom and are able to at least be there for support ... Do what you can and leave the rest for God to handle ... Pray often!
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
((((Chaya)))) I understand. I'm glad you got to your meeting...that usually helps. We never really understand why things happen the way they do until later. It's ok...and it will be ok. Life just happens and serenity comes from learning how to deal with life on life's terms. Practicing this program has helped me to realize that. I used to get just as upset...even at something so trivial as a flat tire. But like Pappy said...I "get to" today instead of "have to" today! Trust HP that He/She knows what they are doing. And "fair" is something that only comes to town once a year...and it's still all an illusion! Hang in there, my friend!
I'm not sure if it was you that posted that thread "I want to hurt myself?" But I can identify and think it's a reaction when feelings are so strong and negative....It is just so hard to sit with them and DEAL with them. I tried all these frantic measures to avoid feeling my feelings. I was sad, mad, lonely, confused and when nobody was around to take the brunt of that or when nobody else could fix it, who wound up getting hurt? Who got punished for having all those confused feelings and not knowing how to deal with them? ME. I self-destructed and hurt myself with drinking and other behaviors so I wouldn't have to feel anything.
Having this go on with your mom is horrible, but feeling your feelings is a gift. Trust your HP. If you can get through all this sober, there's not much you can't handle. BELIEVE IT! Stay close to the fellowship. Stay right in the middle of that AA rowboat and that way, you can't fall out.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I loved what Rob said... we Get today, because we're sober. The hardest thing for me is always my children, and keeping my cool, and feeling grateful even when they're puking on me, there are no clean sheets left, and I'm doing laundry through the night during yet another taxing day of everyone having the flu. It's so hard to feel like "I get to do this"... in a place of gratitude. I have to remember that I belong in prison or dead due to my own disease, and I've been graced to be doing what I am. Spending time with these extremely sick little children, smelling like puke and isolated tears, instead of wondering how they are from behind bars somewhere, completely unable to be there for them when they need me.
Being where we are is a gift, although it takes great strength from a HP to see that. I believe you can. I hope you continue to your very inspiring journey through recovery Chaya. You can call as often as you need to vent or cry or whatever... just keep coming back : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Got angry this morning at just about nothing and told myself on the way to the hospital that I need to get to a place of love and acceptance. I can't come into the hospital room with my bad attitude. When I got here my mom was crying and just wanted me to hold her hands. She's more alert today. It is deceiving. Like she's better. Denial. My sponsor offered to come by later and give me the instructions for step one. I wanted to resist. Like I have time for step work?! But she's right. Life keeps moving on and I can't just stop because things are hard. Today actually seems scarier. Sitting in the dark with my mom seemed more comfortable. I more accustomed to doom and gloom. I should be happy she is feeling a little better. Today I'm going to try to be the best I can be. You know, a touch of coffee and something in my tummy might be nice. Thanks for the support. I'll always have family.
Women are frequently able to grow much stronger than men from such experiences that you are going through right now ... don't ever forget that you have a power deep within you to handle these situations when they occur ... I don't know if it is the fact that women are able to handle 'childbirth' without too much trouble or what, but they indeed have the capability to allow such trials to make them stronger, more so than most men ... when a person realizes this, it makes all the difference in the world ... hang in there, you can use this experience to become stronger and, in time, help others going through similar situations ...
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
