Especially those with BIG issues. Tonight a sobriety sister told me "no men for a year." Of course I knew this, but when my sponsor reiterated it I got super anxious. I haven't dated for about 8 months and at this point I have no desire to, but telling me I can't be with a man for a year is like telling me I can't drink for a year. I really need to just think about it one day at a time. This is the longest I have been single since I was 17. Before this, the longest I lasted was 2 months. One day at a time.
Chaya
Oh, Sweetheart, I so remember that. Now, I'd say " eh, so what?" LOL, but back in my early 30s, that was like telling me to stop eating chocolate. Worse, even. So I went ahead and dated, of course since I was barely in touch with myself, the 'relationship' was a disaster, and I damned near drank behind it. Horrible experience. And we kept telling eachother " oh, we're the exception to the rule". Yeah, right. He got drunk, I felt like hell, and I stayed celibate for a year. I'd been married since I was 16, so it really was a hard decision. And you know what? It's probably the biggest gift I have ever given myself. I got to know myself as 'me', and not as a reflection off of another person. I had no personas to wear so that I could "keep" him, no impression to make. Shoot, I could even go without mascara when I got home from work. The most incredible thing I learned by taking the year to throw myself into my program and do service work, work to keep myself from the 'me me me' syndrome, was finding out that I REALLY DID like myself. I got comfortable and happy in my own company. When I finally did begin dating again, and eventually fall in love, it was for the right reasons. Those reasons can vary from person to person, of course. But to be with someone because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be was an enormous breakthrough. It was only as tough as I made it on myself. I am so glad, now, that I took that year before dating again. You'll be doing yourself a real service, I promise, and the man you end up with will be blessed with a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Hang in there.
Wren is right on the money about waiting a year or so. We need to take the time and work on ourselves. It's great that you realize you are addicted to men with Big issues, being new in recovery we are still sick. Who are we going to attract? Other sick people. Emotionally healthy people usually are not attracted to sick people.
I was in my mid 20's was sober awhile, decent job, finally had my act together and started dating again, a lot of the drama-loving type women I used to date now wanted nothing to so with me
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Well, as you know, I don't have any experience here - although - I did have a year or so of sobriety after getting 2 dwi's in a row when I was in my early 20's and just starting to get really really awesome at being an alcoholic shortly after PTSD hit. ; )
I was ordered to go to counseling by the court for 6 months, and not drink the entire time my license was taken away. I had moved away from the city that my trauma had occurred in, and that helped me get back on track some. I had a great job, I was living alone, and I was NOT going to get in a relationship because I couldn't let someone know any of the crap I was going through anyway - too embarrassing. So I was just waiting it out... doing life... doing counseling once per week and feeling really good. I was as close to being the real me and what I am today, as I ever was any other period in my life.
Towards the end of that year was when I met my husband. I wasn't getting to know him for any reason other than to be friends with him, and when the conversations on the phone went hours into the night for a long time, we finally agreed to go on a date. Still, I was entering into this as something "for fun" and not because I NEEDED someone for all the reasons you mentioned along with what others have said. I did end up telling him all the crap I had done and was going through, because I wasn't planning on getting serious with him anyway.
So with the pressure off, we did have fun. We were already really good friends, and it was almost weird to kiss the first time... but the second time it wasn't ; )
Well, it didn't take long for us to fall in love after that... and we were married a year and a half later. The bad thing was, after my counseling was done, and some time passed, I thought I could start to drink normally again. My husband never really got the chance to see the disease progress full blown because the kids came along... my old friends Mrs. Wine and Mr. Vodka had a lot of competition between pregnancies and babies for a few years. But these last few years Mrs. Wine kept calling me up like the patient old friend she always was. I was still just as awesome of a friend to her as I learned to be before... however, we mostly just hung out at home now. We were getting too old for the bars, and it wasn't socially acceptable anymore.
After my husband thought she was coming around too much and voiced that, then we were reduced to hanging out alone in secret in my walk in closet, at weird times of the day or night.
Pretty soon, it became clear to us that our relationship was very messed up, and my other best friend (my husband) didn't want to be friends anymore.
That wasn't good.
Fast forward a year (I came to this board a year ago the day after christmas and began my AA journey) my husband and I are now just falling in love again, and we are definitely great friends again... but we did spend most of this year just as acquaintances who had a home and children together. In the beginning, just room mates - we didn't even sleep in the same room for the first months. We said hello and good bye to each other, and nothing else really for a long while.
So now, my recovery is firmly rooted in my life, and my husbands recovery is growing. He stayed on the side lines and let me recover for about a year, and now I get to do that for him.
I agree with the one year time line to work on yourself in other words : )
Best wishes to you! Tasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 6th of December 2012 11:29:14 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I know that anyone I get involved with now will not be the right person and I will not be the right person. I do not love myself enough to be myself in a relationship. I change myself, try to save them, and then get good and pissed when it doesn't work and they have no respect for me. I resent being a doormat so I make myself an even bigger one to get them to love me. I attract emotionally unavailable men bc I too am unavailable. I do not have my authentic self to give. I leave this up to my higher power-one day at a time. For today I do not want to drink nor do I want to enter into a relationship. It is not G-d's will for me at this time. Well, I don't know his will, but I'm sure being a big codependent mess which will undoubtedly lead me to drinking isn't his will. Love, Chaya, the single lady NOT out on the town
Yup! For me, men and drinking are a dangerous pair. Though I was never promiscuous, every relationship I've had has been fueled by booze... It's really the same relationship over and over. My type? Really good looking, much younger, really downtrodden men who I want to 'save' ... Or I want them to save me. My last relationship was with a 23 year old in a band (im 36!)... And i was sincerely crushed and shocked that it didnt work out after a year of hanging out in bars. My guys tend to be manipulative jerks who I'M going to change. Big big drama is a relationship to me. Oh, and did I mention booze is the common bond? I actually developed a bit of a crush on a guy I see at meetings often... My first thought was drinking. I have serious issues and resentments towards men in general... My thinking is 'why the hell would I want to deal with a man sober?'. My insecurities are simply too big right now. Not good. For me, at this point, I cannot separate the two in my head. My sponser advised me that it's healthy to have feelings about someone, to act on them would be a disaster for my sobriety. I agree.. I can already see the inevitable result. Men were always simply a distraction.. Someone to manipulate and use for my own needs- to build my self esteem for security. To be honest, I've never had any respect for men at all- they're like a different species or something. I agree with Rob, taking this time to learn how to respect and have friendships with men is most important during the beginning of sobriety. Also, as Wren pointed out, learning who I am without some younger, good looking guy on my arm has been extremely valuable so far. And not having to wear mascara at home is very liberating:) hang in there!
As a side note- the 23 year old broke up with me citing my immaturity and crazy, drunken psychodrama...something I'd heard from 2 boyfriends prior to him, as well. If THATS not an indication that I need to do a ton of work on myself before I can be in a healthy relationship (haha-I don't even know what that MEANS)..well, we are all in the same boat for at least the first year if we are serious about our sobriety.
This all reminds me of something I heard in the rooms of AA a long time ago ... When we get lost in our alcoholism, we stop maturing as a man or a woman ... meaning, when I allowed alcohol to become my priority in life, I froze the maturing process ... what this meant to me is that at the age of about 30 or so, I ceased to mature ... then at the age of 55 when I stopped drinking and started living again, I began to mature again ... meaning now at 60, I have the maturity of a 35 y/o ... go figure ... and I know my wife will confirm this for anyone that wants to hear about it ... LOL ... in fact, she'll probably say I have the maturity of a 13 y/o, LOL ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Basically could have written that myself. I came into AA right after breaking off with my last alcoholic partner. All my relationshps were pretty similar to the dynamic you mentioned. I was scared to death of being sober, but equally scared of being single. I did not follow the suggestion to stay single and got myself into a relationship at 3 months sober that lasted til I had 1 year. Everyone warned me. Folks said it would make me relapse. My sponsor almost fired me.
It didn't make me relapse. For me, it was all I could do to just not drink at the time. I was so used to being in relationships that NOT being in one was a bigger change than having another boyfriend. Hence, it was less of a "major" change than being single was. I was still living on my own for the first time...it was baby steps.
Of course that silly early sobriety relationship was not the killer to my sobriety but it did delay my progress. I didn't really let go of the old me til I let go of that guy. In year 2 I was single for the entire year and I did make the progress folks are talking about here.
I had to focus on not drinking first and then I got around to codependency....I knew I was going to get around to it eventually...just like I got around to quitting smoking and losing weight too. Not advocating getting into relationships in early sobriety cuz it was not good for me, but I still kept changing cuz the further I got in AA, the less fearful I got of letting go of my old ways. Letting go of being so relationship needy was a BIG one. I didn't let it go 100 percent but I like to think I have it scaled back to almost normal range which allows me to now have a good relationship that is not fraught with codependency arguing and never getting my needs met (the way my old relationships were).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It doesn't say that anywhere in the Big Book, but it is a wise suggestion none the less. In retrospect, I needed that year to work on me because they told me I would not be the same person after doing the steps. I changed dramatically for the better and had a better me to offer up. And I was like a turkey magnet! Then when I was 18 months sober I said to God, I think I am ready for a relationship now...and that night my ex called me and wanted to get back together...and I quickly got on my knees and said, "You're right, God, I'm not ready for a relationship yet!" Be very careful what you wish for!!
Chaya, I didn't like hearing that rule either and I broke it. I went out with a guy with 21 years of sobriety in my homegroup. When i got a little healthier in AA I broke it off with him. The person with more sober time is usually the one who gets really hurt because their issues are saving people and codependency, but so were mine, I got hurt too. Before I knew it, he was treating me horribly around the group and I felt my sobriety was threatened.
Going out with someone not in AA wouldn't have worked either. They wouldn't have understood me and I would have pretty quickly felt empty around them.
What I needed was God's love. I had to go through the program of recovery as outlined in the Big Book where the directions are on how to recover. I found God there. When I can love myself enough I'll choose right. Until then I refuse to settle for any false security.