Went to a good women's meeting tonight, but because I was new there and it was all women I think it really triggered my insecurity. After the meeting I started getting anxious for work tomorrow as well as obsessing over my ex (it's been a year already). I thought about what I will do with the next 15 minutes because I told the sitter I'd be home at 8.30 and I still had time. The craving quickly came, but this time it was different. I thought about how I want to get drunk enough to vomit and get really sick and hungover because that's what I deserve. This whole line of thinking really shocked the heck out of me. I am safely home now and about to go be with my little one. Do others of you think about stuff like this too?
Love, Chaya
Hello Chaya. In early recovery we ARE sick. This disease is a mental, spiritual, and physical one. Best thing to do is "Don't drink and don't think". All of these crazy thoughts will come and go, and get fewer and farther between as we put more time between us and drinking. You want to regain your sanity? Don't drink, it's that simple. Hang in there it gets better
There were a few times during early sobriety that I was angry or disgusted with myself and I thought "Well I can't drink, but I feel like hurting myself in some way." That was a disturbing thought. It only happened a few times. It helped to make clear that one function of my drinking was definitely to punish myself.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Ya know Chaya, I too, in early recovery felt 'undeserving' ... it was almost like I wanted to be sick ... what is that? ... Did I want 'pity' from friends and family? ... Dean's right ... it's a classic case of being mentally, physically, and spiritually sick ... and when I just didn't drink and went to meetings regularly, those thoughts slowly got further and further apart ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Can't add a lot to what was said. What you are going through is often part of the recovery process. We are used to being sick and need to get comfortable with being well.
You did the right thing by not drinking and sharing about it. Hang in there, you have come so far. Love your honesty!
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I thought about this topic last night, with you in mind of course. My wife and I were talking about life and how short it is. I think it's both short and long in some ways, now that I've gotten off the merry go round so to speak. I see things so much clearer today, not to mention how much alcohol muddied my thoughts. I don't think you can see things as clearly in early sobriety; that's why time is so important. I try to give time, time and recovery that much more. It's a prelude to something better, guaranteed.
Anyway, I think that yes, while life is short, the time I spent drinking was long. I regret spending day after day making up excuses, and choosing to live my life the same exact way, yet desperately wanting a different life for myself. I regret spending my time doing nothing, while whining about my future. I wonder if others thought the same way?
At the time I thought that the change should be something simple, like not stopping by the bar after work, not pouring that glass of wine, or not stopping by the liquor store on the way home. But, now I do.
I didn't realize how uninvolved I'd become; that change was so much more than just putting down a drink; so much more than mere consciousness. I didn't realize how self-centered I was. I didn't realize that quitting drinking would involve a complete transformation of myself. Not just day to day things, but also a complete mental overhaul. No way could I have gotten here while living the past life.
I am also seeing the short side of life, hearing about one who got drunk and was taken to the hospital, with the possibility of dying. Another who did die after getting drunk at a bar then passed out. My coworker and friend who let himself go down that dark road never to return.
I hope others think about this and perhaps do something, instead of the same thing day after day hoping for something to change. It not only starts with us but ends with us also, so remember that as we proceed. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 28th of November 2012 05:00:48 AM
