In my experience, ultimatums are about control, even when they're presented as a choice. Boundaries, on the other hand, allow us to make choices -even when there's a clear preference either way. Take my situation as an example; I was given no real choice about surrendering, but ultimatums were handed out almost daily. I was even coerced into 'giving up' at one point, but I just laughed it off. I wasn't ready to hand over the reins just yet. If you really we want someone to stop a particular behavior, like drinking excessively for example, you can still do so while allowing them to make a genuine choice. It's called setting boundaries. It makes a world of difference for those who do suffer.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 26th of November 2012 03:39:27 AM
One topic that came up in today's meeting for me was about what different folks did when given ultimatums about their alcoholism. It was pretty comical to all of us since everyone in the room was/is in recovery but in reality, it's sad and kind of scary.
This came about from a story in the Come to Believe book where a person was facing having to either try AA or go to a mental hospital/hospice type environment for permanent commitment. His response was "I might try AA but only if they don't shove God down my throat."
In any case, another person shared how their probation officer told them they had a choice between treatment or going to prison. The person stated their response at the time was "Can I have time to think about it?" Um.... How much of a thinking disease is this that we would knowingly choose death, the loony bin, divorce, lockup....over recovery. Wow.
All I know is that, before I was ready to surrender fully to the program of AA, I would have walked that line just teetering on jail, insanity, death.... I did that all the time and really thought I had it under control. How wrong was I? We are the only group of people to be so close to disaster and yet still flirting with it so willfully.
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Great topic! I was given many ultimatums over the years.. I chose drinking over jobs, friendships, boyfriends (including one of ten years). I simply 'chose' my obsession with booze over anything else.. I spent time in both rehab and psych hospitals. Didn't matter.. All I could think about was when I could be left alone with my bottle.. Ahh, hindsight is 20/20 right? My sponser likes to say that alcoholism ( and addiction) is the only chronic and fatal illness that the sufferer actively encourages, when the cure is so simple- not easy, but simple. This definetly put a new spin on alcoholism for me. Though while in the midst of active alcoholism this would've made no sense to me.
No ultimatums for me, but I've given them and guess what? Alcohol always won. I'm powerless over alcohol whether it be my consumption or someone I love.
I was given a choice at my intervention of losing my husband of 18 yrs at the time, my 11 and 12 yr old kids, my homes, everything but my car, or going to AA and getting some treatment. I had to put some serious thought into it, and the only reason I went to AA was because I knew no one would take me in, I had burned all those bridges. I remember thinking that I could probably beg my parents to give me a chance to live with them, so I could keep drinking. I look back now, and see how completely insane I was. I was one grumpy, uncooperative person those first few months of AA, I felt like they were stealing something from me (my bottle), when in reality what I got was a life second to none.
-- Edited by chris on Monday 26th of November 2012 08:38:53 AM
Fear of what life without alcohol would be like always trumped the shame of what it was turning me into. That and the delusion that I was doing better than people thought. I just needed a bit of time and some luck to run my way, and I'd show them that I was back in the game.
Ultimatums were just piss and wind to me. I was willing to trade everything for the next drink - until that day when I realised I had traded almost everything and now I didn't want to trade anything. Beaten into that state of reasonableness, they call it.
No one gave me an ultimatum as far as I remember, but I can remember being in the laughing academy trying to get them to certify me as a lunatic because to me that was infinitely preferable to being an alcoholic. I reasoned that if people knew and understood that I was nuts, they would cut me some slack around my drinking.
Yes, I can relate. Jails, Institutions & Death or Happy, Joyous and Free. Can be a tough one for an active Alcoholic in the grips of the mental obession and physical compulsion.
The point of surrender for me came when there were no choices left. My wife asked me to leave, away from the home and kids. Job hanging on by treads and living with my mother. One more night of controlled drinking- I can do this: blacked out at 9:00 pm and woke up at 9:00 am in Jail. Made a stop at the hospital prior to jail. Already had been in 3 detoxs and one Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program. What does it take to convince someone they have a diesase?
For me, I needed every last drop and shit storm to come to that point of surrender. To put up the white flag and say o.k. I'm defeated.
If I don't think about that period sometimes, I'm at risk to repeat it. I need to keep it green (as they say) and meetings do that for me much of the time.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
No ultimatums...just lost everything and every one. Sobriety for me =d a new life, some restoration, and a lot of hope for what's left of my future, dependent, of course, on continued sobriety, a day at a time.
Great thread. Took me back to a time when I was sitting in a pub, alone, holding a beer and saying to myself "I can handle anything as long as I have this."
Extending that, my thinking when drinking meant that I could handle any ultimatum, as long as I could drink.
Well put, Steve. I clearly remember thinking as I was precariously close to losing both my jobs and my apartment- being 5 months behind in rent and dead broke, and increasingly physically ill... "none of this b.s. matters as long as I have THIS".. With 'this' being The drink in my hand. I considered my health, income, a place to live, friends, family, FOOD 'b.s.'... I can't even imagine my head being there again. Frightening.
