As my first holiday season sober is upon us, I'm trying to not fall into the usual default pity party. That's my typical 'go to'.. I avoid my family and have the perfect excuse to sit in a bar all day. I'm grateful that will not be the case this year:) I'm not spending today with family- I just know I'm not ready, it's not worth the risk for me. I am, however, spending it with my sponser- another person in my life now that I'm grateful for. I spent last night working my night job in a bar on one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. I've noticed that my tolerance of being around drunk people is waning. Although I'm grateful to be sober, I couldn't help but feel left out, lonesome. Then I thought through the drink, and came to the same conclusion that I always do when I do this.. I simply cannot drink like these people I'm serving drinks to. As I walked by the couple blocks of bars on my way home, I passed happy friends and family enjoying themselves.. There's a small bridge on my walk home. As I cross it I see a man alone, obviously drunk from 20 yards away.. He's staggering all over the place..stops to light a smoke ( takes him way too long)- he's wasted. We are the only two on the bridge so I can clearly see that he's struggling to appear not as drunk as he is. Now, my first thought was disgust. Then I realized I'm looking at myself not too long ago. Like exactly me- I'd stop to light a smoke in an effort to regain my balance them use every effort to walk a straight line ( haha never worked- I'd be walking into walls). I felt such compassion for this man probably 20 or so years my senior. We are the same, really. As we passed I said a "hey" and he mumbled a "hey" in reply (lol that's what we call being really friendly in Boston). And I prayed for him to get home safely.. Though I wonder if he hit a few more bars on his way- well, that's what I would've done. I dunno, I'm rambling but I'm grateful that I'm sober today.
It IS amazing how much more clearly we see things when sober ... the man you described was me a few years back ... I too, was withdrawn into myself, lonely and miserable even though family was present ... it's truly amazing how much we can isolate ourselves from society whether we're among friends and family or not when we're deep in the bottle ...
Your description of that man is one that reminds me of me, sitting on the 'sidelines' of life, just watching it go by without any desire to participate in it ... truly a sad picture ... and just as true, a reminder to me for all the things I have to be 'thankful' for today, thanks to God and AA ...
Thank you for helping me to renew my desire to stay sober today ... for that, I am grateful ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Colleen, Happy Thanksgiving. I spent my first sober Thanksgiving 1000 miles from my family and with my new AA family and sponsor also. It's all good. I admire the program you are working.
When I see people at bars out laughing and having fun...I remember (like you) that I can't drink like them. BUT, I also remember that I don't know their whole story. Some of them might be just holding it together and forcing a smile while they sip their drink with friends just waiting to get home so they can really pound the liqour. I smiled and laughed sometimes in bars when I was really hurting. Alcohol gave me a few fake smiles now and then.
My point is that I'm just glad for my journey. The person you think is all happy and "normal" could have more problems than you would ever want to think about.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
That's awesome news Colleen. Not only did you put a positive spin on what can be a difficult time of year, but you did it with sincere eloquence I might add. For that I say thank you. It's exactly what I needed to hear.
The holiday seasons were always a bit rough, but luckily I had places to go just like you. I always considered booze to be part of the holiday traditions just like turkey was to thanksgiving, but not today. It's the farthest thing from my mind and now you know why.
The images you just described reminded me of days long ago, with the cigarette and all. That was until I found A.A. Now the picture is much brighter thanks to all of you. A.A. replaced the booze with some lofty ideals and my sober connections personalize the message like only they can. It's the glue that binds my life together, especially during the holiday season. Thanks again for reminding me of that.
Happy thanksgiving
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 24th of November 2012 03:30:51 PM
Aloha Col and Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for the post...wonderful and I got to walk down memory lane with you also. I had those feelings you had behind the bar...watching the old behavior and not participating and not wanting to ever do it again. I had those feelings also which were described by the elders I met when I first got into recovery as being "sick and tired of being sick and tired". When I had those feelings I was done and I changed rooms from the bar to the face to face recovery rooms and while I had soooo much difficulty trying to understand what was being said I stayed until I learned the walk and the talk. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know. Thank God for the fellowship and patient old timers who waited patiently for my humility to arrive.
I love your expression of humility for the man who is still drinking. What a miracle to witness for this alcoholic...I just didn't have any empathy or compassion in me until I arrived at the doors of recovery.
Thanks for the memories and congradulations on your sober time and sober walk. I am in support as I was also supported. Don't worry about how long it takes you. We only get to do this one day at a time and we understand what progression is versus perfection. One we do and the other is beyond our reach so we let go and let God. Mahalo and have a great day. (((((hugs))))))
Thanks to all for sharing. Like PC said, we never know anyone's full story. The fun times drinking with family and friends was not the reality in my final days of drinking.
My wife and I went to a friend in AA's house, for Thanksgiving. It was a great time. I didn't wake up sick and hung over and I could really enjoy the food and event.
Grateful to be sober!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
